Hi, not sure if I want perspective or advice, but here’s the context. Sorry for the rambling and also to get just more info I might post this in a different subreddit as well.
Last year I messaged someone here on Reddit asking if she’d like to chat and get to know each other. We hit it off and talked mostly online due to distance. We shared socials and spent a lot of evenings gaming and talking, it felt good.
At some point while checking her profile I saw she wrote she doesn’t plan to have children. I’m unsure about kids myself (I mean having my own, but leaning towards a yes but depends on a lot of different things), but that detail changed something in me. To be honest, I wasn’t in a great place at that time in my life, and I don’t think I fully committed to the connection. Still, we kept talking for a while, then the conversation quietly died at the beginning of the year. Neither of us closed it or officially ended anything. During this whole period I was only talking to her, no one else.
Recently, after my life settled a bit, I messaged her and asked if she’d be open to start over. I knew there was a slim chance she might have someone already, but I tried anyway. She replied that she’s in a relationship now, which I respect.
Logically I understand why I let things die back then. I wasn’t 100 percent into her, and the no-kids thing seemed important. I also know that appearances aren’t everything, but if the initial attraction isn’t there it can be hard to fully commit, even if the person has many great qualities. It probably would be unfair to settle just because there was no one else, and I don’t consider myself much of a catch. But I can’t be sure what would have happened if we met in person. Maybe I’d have warmed to her appearance, maybe we could have discussed kids, maybe not.
Still, why does this sting so much, almost like a heartbreak? We weren’t official, but I feel gutted. I told my therapist at the time that maybe it’s better this way, that it would have been hypocritical to judge her by looks or to settle and the child thing too. Maybe I’m just rationalizing to feel less guilty. Or maybe the fact that I rarely have success on usual dating platforms and had more luck connecting on Reddit makes this loss worse, because of the scarcity.
Part of me thinks I deserve it, that I messed up and this is punishment. Part of me worries I’ll never find someone like her again. I feel guilty, selfish, and confused.
Or that the universe gave me a "chance" as a take it or leave and I blew it.
Has anyone been through something similar? How do you stop the sting when logic knows it’s probably for the best? Any perspective or advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.
TLDR: I connected with someone on Reddit last year, but I didn’t fully commit. Months later I reached out and she’s now in a relationship. Logically I know I had doubts and that attraction matters, but emotionally it feels like a heartbreak. Looking for perspective.