Let me start by saying that in our friend group of almost a decade, we always do a group gift for whoever’s birthday it is, like big presents, event tickets, or trips. But last year on my birthday, I got absolutely nothing, and that was the second time this happened. The year before, I was temporarily living in a different city (3 hours away), so I tried not to mind it too much, even though they still organized gifts for other people who were also unavailable and even planned trips for them to visit us as gifts. There have also been other times they were inconsiderate, like lying to me about group trips just to invite someone’s girlfriend instead. That was a long time ago and I’ve forgiven them.
Last year, I kept thinking maybe they were late or needed more time to plan something. For months after, at every gathering, I stressed with excitement, expecting a surprise that never came. The cycle of getting my hopes up and being let down was crushing.
This hurt even more because I’m the type of person who puts a lot into my friends. I’ve spent days and weeks making handmade gifts, knitted scarves and gloves, jewelry, wood projects, and some bigger ones took over 100 hours of work and planning. I always made sure everyone in the group got something personal from me. Many of these skills were learned solely for the gift and not because I wanted anything in return, but because I wanted them to know they mattered a lot to me. When I asked if they appreciated the gifts, they said they did, so it’s not like they hated them.
The only reason I can think of is that I don’t contribute all the time to the group gifts (money-wise), since I am not as financially stable and I’m already giving my own gift that requires materials (a lot of times more than they contribute themselves). But honestly, I always thought something made with time and passion was worth more than 10-20 dollars into a group pool. And whenever I can afford it, I still contribute to both, while always, and i mean always making sure they recieve a gift from me.
Because of all this, I’ve started pulling back. This wasn’t the first time I’ve been left out, but in the past, I would still drop everything for them because I loved them so much. Now I don’t. Sometimes I even make excuses not to go. Recently, after my birthday this year, they planned a surprise birthday for another friend, and I skipped it on purpose, not because I don’t care about him, but because I didn’t want my resentment to ruin his day. I still prepared a gift for him and can’t wait to give it to him.
This year’s birthday came and went, and again, for the third time, I only got “happy birthday” messages. To be fair, I didn’t give them much time to plan, so this rant isn’t really about this year. I might still get something out of pity for the previous years. My fear is that if I keep holding onto hope, I’ll just keep growing more resentful toward them.
So here’s where I’m at, I’ve already started distancing myself, focusing more on different friendships and meeting new people, and on the few friends in the group I feel closer to. At this point, even if they did get me something, I don’t think I’d accept it. All my life I’ve very rarely received gifts, so it would feel too late and out of pity or obligation. I don’t think this would end the friendship completely, but I’ve realized I can’t get the closeness I want from them, and I need to make peace with that.
Some questions for you all:
– Am I wrong for acting this way? Should I keep putting in the effort and hope things improve, or should I accept that maybe I need to invest differently in this friendship?
– I know I’m being petty here. Tell me honestly and brutally, am I in the wrong for holding onto this, or should I just stop caring about their inconsideration and keep giving what I can without expecting anything back?
– Should I wait a couple of months to see if they change this year, or should I be upfront next time we hang out that I don’t want or expect anything for my birthday? The last thing I want is pity.
– Is it normal to not expect the same effort in friendships, even after so many years? Or should I just match their level of effort, contribute the equivalent amount to group gifts, stop spending so much time on them, and focus more on people who could one day reciprocate?
At the end of the day, I guess no amount of time makes someone care about you the way you care about them.
TLDR: My friends never get me birthday gifts, even though we do them for everyone else. Am I wrong for distancing myself from them?
P.s. English is not my first language so i had to translate some parts to make them more readable.