My partner & I have been together for two years. I’ve have a small 10lb dog who’s 4 years old. I got this dog from a previous partner who wanted a dog but never took care of him. Thus, I took the dog in that breakup. Fast forward, I meet an incredible man – my partner is everything I’ve been looking for, seemingly. However, one issue – he’s never been a pet parent. We brush this over, get to know each other & eventually, fall in love. After a year and 1/2, we move in together. I obviously bring the dog with me. My dog has a number of health issues but he’s being medically managed. He does his business outside, he’s friendly but he is SCARED of my partner. The dog unwillingly goes to him for a treat & will never choose to sleep next to him or cuddle with him. Obviously, my partner is upset because he cannot connect with the dog & feels like he doesn’t even like the dog. Therefore, when something happens – ex. the dog popped on his carpet by accident, he gets ANGRY and we just end up fighting. It’s gotten so bad that I’m considering letting my dog live with my parents (who he’s been living with with me the last few years) but I don’t want to. I love my dog so much, but my partner does not. How can I overcome this? What are the appropriate steps? Do I REALLY have to choose between my boyfriend or my dog?
TLDR; my partner (32M) does not like my dog but I (31F) love him and want to live with him.
31 comments
Keep the dog, rehome the boyfriend.
Hello? Are you willing to leave your dog for a man who clearly is not making any effort for something important to you? If I were in love with you and you left your dog, that would make me fall out of love with you. It’s not only about the relationship; what kind of morals do you have? Sorry if this is hard, but it enrages me. Dogs are family!
Edit: I also have a dog, and when I date someone who doesn’t like dogs or is not willing to cohabitate with a pet, I don’t even pursue that anymore. He’s not that perfect if he gets that angry over poop on the floor.
I would bet money he hits or kicks that dog when you’re not around. There’s a reason why he’s so scared of your partner. It’s not hard to win a dog over when you live with them.
Personal anecdote as a huge animal lover –
I tried to make a relationship work for 2+ years with a guy who did not like my cat and she didn’t like him. It didn’t work out- for a huge variety of reasons but obviously the cat thing didn’t help.
Over a year later, I met my current partner of 2 years. He has never had a cat, has a minor cat allergy, and is nervous around cats. He has spent the past 2 years medically working on his cat allergy and also displaying a huge amount of love, patience, and energy on my cat to win her trust and love. They are now the best of friends and we all live together. He did this despite not really liking cats or having a history with cats, because he really loves me and saw how important my cat is to me.
All that to say, if you are a huge animal lover this may be a compatibility issue. I would take a hard look at your relationship, and try to notice if you see any other compatibility issues before you get rid of your dog. If the dog is truly the ONLY issue and he is the perfect love of your life outside of the dog issue, then maybe re-home the dog. Your dog doesn’t deserve to be stressed and afraid. But I would also seriously consider re-homing the boyfriend & finding someone who is willing to be patient and loving towards the creature you care about.
Yes, you really do have to choose between your BF and your dog.
It’s not fair to either BF or your dog to try to force them together in the same household, when BF obviously dislikes your pet and gets angry when it does something wrong. Dogs can sense human emotions, which is why your pup is scared of your BF and won’t cuddle up to him. A housebroken pet doesn’t poop on the floor unless it is seriously stressed out.
If your parents are OK with keeping the dog and being its primary caregivers, that may be the only solution that lets you continue to live with your BF. It will still be your dog, it will still recognize you instantly and be overjoyed whenever you come for a visit – but as long as the rest of its “pack” is in the household, it won’t get lonely when you’re not around. And your parents will likely be happy with the arrangement, because you are likely to visit them more often to love up your pet LOL.
I am not a pet person either. I never grew up with them, so I’m not comfortable with them. That doesn’t mean I would kick a dog. I think that some dogs are very cute. I just don’t want one. If this man is great, I would take the dog to my parents’ home. A good man is very hard to find. You may never find another.
I would never ever choose a partner over my pet. The love I have for him and he seems to have for me goes way beyond any link I’ve ever had with a human. And I could never live with myself if I betrayed the trust he grants me.
I’d never give up part of my family for someone who isn’t my family yet. My cat loved me first. I loved my cat first. If I want someone to be a part of my life, but that person cannot get along with someone who’s completely reliant on me, it means that person cannot be a part of my life, sad as that may be.
But you are allowed to feel differently about your own pet.
Dogs read human body language extremely well.
Prior trauma can also cause them to distrust people.
You’re going to have to make the choice, but someone who gets angry with an animal that’s scared of them? That’s a decent sized red flag to most pet parents.
Anything to not be single huh
Yeah, you do. Someone can be great but that doesn’t mean they’re great for you if youre not compatible. You have a responsibility to the pet, he either accepts you have a prior responsibility or he doesn’t but that should have no bearing on your responsibilities.
It’s also weird for a dog to be scared of someone with no reason, if said dog doesnt usually show fear reactivity with others.
Dogs acting out of character around someone is a red flag. He hasnt managed to bond after all this time? The dog doesnt want to accept treats from him? It sounds like your dog usually would with others, so that’s odd. It doesnt necessarily mean your partner is abusing your dog, but unfortunately there have been too many stories where that sadly was the case that pet parents should be vigilant about it.
Also – I would guarantee that once your rose tinted love glasses fade, there will be other “off” signs about your partner that will reveal themselves to you, thaf youre probably excusing as “not a big deal” right now.
A person is just a person, there are others capable of loving you the way this person does, who tick the boxes he does. He isnt the only specimen in this world who would be a fit partner for you. Don’t let the “what if i never find anyone else like him” thoughts tell you otherwise.
I love and own a little dog but I am slightly scared by big dogs. I’m also single and dating… if I see a man owns a big dog, I immediately cross him off my list because I know it won’t work out. I wouldn’t want to fall in love with a man whose dog I’m afraid of and uncomfortable around… and I’m sure a man wouldn’t want a girlfriend that’s afraid of his dog. I would never make someone choose between their dog and me – as that’s just not reasonable.
All that to say, if he truly doesn’t like dogs why did y’all get together in the first place? If he wasn’t willing to make a valid effort for you, he shouldn’t have entered into the relationship. On the flip side, you should not even consider giving up your pet for this person. The fact that your dog is afraid of him also makes me seriously question what happens behind closed doors.
Your dog is afraid of him for a reason. Listen to your dog. My childhood dog never growled at anything or anyone. He growled at my dad’s 3rd wife. She ended up being horrifically abusive to dad and I. Listen. To. Your. Dog.
Does your dog dislike/fear new people in general (or maybe men in gene for ex) or your partner in particular? And if the latter, was the dog always afraid of him, even before you lived together/where he’d only interact with the dog while you were present? Or is the fear new?
He should be asking how to overcome this. He’s not doing that, so yes you do have to choose.
Choose the dog. The dog is living authentically and having communication and a relationship with you. The human…has shown you who he is. He will be like this forever. He will be like this about big choices, relationships you have with other people, etc. He will tacitly put you in the position of giving up what’s important to you.
The dog will also be who the dog is forever.
The dog is better. Choose the dog.
Does this guy make real efforts to engage with your dog in ways that can build a positive relationship? Playtime, walks, treats, whatever it is? Or does he sort of view your dog like a sentient piece of furniture that he has no “use” for?
You’ve got to have your priorities straight. The obvious answer is to rehome him.
Your partner. Not the dog, obviously.
I wouldn’t be with a person who doesn’t like cats. Luckily my current partner came with a sweet old cat we can love together. It’s just an compatibility thing.
As someone with pets who I consider family, if I was in a relationship with someone who did not like them, it would be a serious compatibility issue and a deal breaker for me. Me and my pets are a package, and if the partner does not accept them, then the relationship would need to be reevaluated.
I used to care for a family member in a nursing home. There really wasn’t enough staff to pay attention to everyone. I went every day after work and would be sure to bring holiday supplies for celebrating with the family I could encourage to show up.
I met other families who had members that were also residents there. It was not uncommon to witness family members scold the residents with dementia usually saying something, out of frustration, like: “I just told you!”
I felt just awful for the residents whose families talked to them this way. They were frustrated. I get it. I got frustrated too. Combine that with all the other things like incontinence, losing stuff, can’t dress themselves, and the smells.
End of life care is hard. Raising children is hard.
This is my fear about a relationship with someone who hasn’t the patience for a pet, especially one that was not their idea.
I hope I actually got my point across. I kinda rambled.
The simple answer is yes. You’re going to have to choose between your boyfriend or the dog.
Tiny little dog does not understand/like large angry man body language. Pretty common…
It’s one thing to be frustrated with shit on a carpet. That’s normal. But if he gets like, angry at a dog for being a dog, like, or blame your or the dog for the dog not connecting to him emotionally the way he would like it effortlessly to happen, I don’t think that says heartwarming things about his overall levels effort and empathy.
Babies are not very intuitive either, will he shout when they poop on things
>There’s not one man I bring around him that he warms up too
>My dog is an anxious dog to begin with, I think it started with my ex. He doesn’t like men at all.
You don’t have a boyfriend problem. You have a dog problem. This issue with continue to be a problem with all men because your dog has some trauma that makes it uncomfortable around men, plus health issues and pooping on the carpet.
Good luck finding a saint willing to deal with this for the next 10 years or how ever long your dog may live. Not to mention, a man in your dog’s life is stressful for your dog that you love so much. Do your dog a favor and let him live where it is comfortable. With you alone or with your parents.
Have you tried having your partner play games with the dog to help with the bonding? I have a dog that’s scared and nervous with strangers and having them play with her is a HUGE game changer! Maybe them building a better relationship with each other could help.
I’ve lived with pets who didn’t care for me, but I never became resentful over it. And I certainly never got angry at a medically fragile animal who had accidents or in some way ruined my things.
I’d see those as red flags towards your bf’s personality, personally. I don’t expect my partners to be best friends with my pets but as long as my pet isn’t actively antagonizing them (biting, growling, etc) I would expect them to be chill about stuff happening with pet ownership.
If you had a child and your partner didn’t want kids, would you move in with them with your kid? If you see your dog as a part of the family, this is nearly the same thing. I would move back out.
Are you ok with never having a pet in the future either? Bc your bf isn’t a dog person and won’t become one.
Brushing over it when you started dating was stupid.
As an animal lover, I met my boyfriend after he had his dog for 7 years when we met. This dog (Ralph!) is my boyfriends baby, he ADORES him, and as such so do I. I look after Ralph mainly in the day as I work from home, but he is really my boyfriends dog and happiest with him and visa versa. If I hadn’t accepted Ralph as my own, we would not be a couple. On the other hand, my dad hates pets and always has (many red flags lol), and hasn’t ever been kind to them. I cannot imagine being mean to a dog, especially when they have health issues, for having an accident in the house.
Love me, love my dog.
I had a gorgeous rottweiler who thought everyone was her friend. Except my brother in law. She was terrified of him, whimpered and cowered when he came near. We could never understand it, he was a great guy, adored animals, was loved by everyone who met him, me included. Her reaction baffled us.
Long story short, he ended up cheating on my sister multiple times, and hid it really really well. He was NOT a good person, despite everyone thinking he was. It feels like only Lizzy saw him for what he was, and a lot makes sense now.
Your situation is different, but my situation taught me I should have listened to my dog.
This is reddit. We are going to tell you to chose the dog.
it’s him or the dog, it’s pretty clear