Hi everyone,
I left my job to move to another country with my (now) fiancé, who was my boyfriend at the time. During that move, I decided to do a software engineering bootcamp.
It’s been about a year since I’ve had a job, and I’m honestly so tired of being jobless. I gave software engineering a try, but I realized it’s not for me. On top of that, I have a lot of limiting beliefs:
• I don’t have a bachelor’s degree in computer science
• I’m a foreigner
• Tech is in a down cycle right now
All of this made it really hard for me, and eventually, I gave up on pursuing it.
So, we moved back to my home country and now I’m looking for work again. The good news is I am getting interviews, but the bad news is that I feel like I’m emotionally draining my fiancé.
He’s been really supportive — he built a whole spreadsheet with me to track applications, outreach, and coffee chats. He believes networking is the most important thing right now, but I really struggle with coffee chats. I don’t enjoy them, and because of that, I haven’t prioritized them. This frustrates him a lot, and we end up in big arguments. He feels like I’m not trying hard enough when I don’t follow the process the way he suggests.
From my side, I am trying — but when he breaks down my process, it makes me feel like I’m constantly falling short. Mentally, I’m not okay. I don’t feel like the same person he fell in love with, and I know this whole situation is tiring for him too.
Another big issue is that he has told me he doesn’t feel comfortable going into marriage with me right now because he feels I’m not consistent and he just feels like I’m not reliable and what if we have kids and i can’t pull my own weight like do research for schools etc . he’s brought up a prenup multiple times. I don’t mind signing it, but it really hurts me that things have gotten to this stage in our relationship because of my career struggles and the way I do things spills over
Money isn’t a huge issue since he’s financially stable, but I also don’t want to just sit around doing nothing.
I guess my main question is: How do I navigate this dynamic without damaging our relationship? How do I balance his accountability system with my own way of doing things, when I feel so mentally drained? And how do I process the fact that my career struggles are now affecting our marriage discussions?
⸻
TL;DR: Quit my job, moved abroad with fiancé, tried a software engineering bootcamp but gave up. Now back home, job hunting again, and fiancé wants me to network heavily (coffee chats, spreadsheets, etc.) while I feel drained and resistant. He’s also said he doesn’t feel comfortable marrying me right now because of my job search consistency and has brought up a prenup multiple times. I don’t mind signing, but it hurts me that it’s come to this. How do I handle this dynamic without hurting our relationship?
6 comments
He’s a fool
A guy can and should be able to provide whilst their other half is finding their way
Pathetic excuse
i feel like the job search thing is kind of a cover for his feelings about controlling you. if it’s not a financial struggle and you are trying your best, then his role is to sit back and support you, not dictate how you should be doing everything. also, if he doesn’t want to marry you because you’re currently unemployed, then what happens if after you get a job and you’re married, you become unemployed again? or become too ill to work? is he gonna divorce you? holding marriage over your head because you’re not doing what HE thinks you should be doing is gross as hell.
I mean, there are definitely multiple approaches of getting jobs, so it’s concerning that your finance has a “my way or highway” attitude. On the other hand, nothing about job searching is supposed to be pleasant. Nobody enjoys updating LinkedIn or doing random coffee chats. So it’s also weird for you to be deprioritising networking because you don’t like them.
It might be good to have a (maybe facilitated) discussion on what having a job means to each of you. Sometimes people could tie a lot of self-worth into being employed or having a long-term career/having job security, and it seems like you and your fiancé are clashing right now because of these unspoken values.
jobs are currently one of the top reasons for relationship stress. Not only do people need to make money to survive and thrive, but out character and self worth are tied in with employment.
Does your fiance understand how bad it is out there right now, or how he should back off on the networking side of the job strategy if it is not your strong suit?
Consider for the immediate future that you instead get a simple job like working at a grocery store or something to get back on the employment track. That way you can have an income while not being saddled with too much responsibility while you look for work that better fits your CV.
You should have gotten any job 4 months after job searching and been contributing to household expenses. FedEx, warehouse, dishwasher, anything. Why have you been unemployed for a year?
This is such a tough topic. I just went through this for a year in the other position – I have a decent job and my boyfriend lost his and he moved in because he had nowhere to go.
We had really similar arguments and for me personally it came down to effort. When he was unemployed, he applied around. He got a grocery store job and after that stopped applying. He was always really stressed and wanting a change, but when asked about job apps, he said he was “working on it” and didn’t “have enough time.”
We have a shared document where we track jobs he’s applying to. For 8 months this year, there were two, and both were through people we personally know. Any time I’d send him a job, he’d have reasons why he wasn’t qualified or couldn’t apply.
It wore me down so much – he’d get home from work and putz around two hours before bed, would wake up after 9am, get up around 10. (Goes to work at 1:15pm.) He stopped helping with housework because there wasn’t enough time.
So I was paying bills, doing housework, cooking for the week, shopping so he’d have snacks and food, all the while he’s saying he doesn’t have the time for job applications.
Our issue was an expectation of effort mismatch, and it sounds like yours is too: I expected certain actions (which amounted to a certain type of effort in my mind) and he wasn’t fulfilling that. For me it wasn’t about the outcome – I know the market is awful – it’s about the effort. Your partner is expecting you to put out a certain type of effort and, because you’re not comfortable with it, you’re not meeting his expectations.
I’d call this to light and evaluate other aspects of your day to day life and job efforts. It needs to be discussed before it’s fight-level and before there’s growing resentment on both sides.