I recently had a crush on a regular customer at my work. We have a little thing between us. But It’s been weeks and I’ve come to realize he’s not going for it with me for whatever reason, at least for now. And it did bum me out. I grew listless about it and now am mopey and bored. I feel rejected and low, even though I know it’s not totally like that. Other people ask me out/compliment me but I don’t really like any of them like that.
But more than anything this showed me I really do want a good solid relationship again with someone I genuinely admire and am attracted to and respect. I just don’t come across men like that too often so I just don’t feel motivated to do anything about my singlehood like date off apps and all that. Plus I’ve been mostly hiding and isolating.
I do experience bouts of extreme vulnerability and crushing loneliness, but those periods make me want to protect myself even more so I don’t attract predators or randos out of desperation. I just want to be got and seen and all the things ugh.
I feel like I don’t understand what reality is accessible to me. I want to be in a relationship but don’t have control over that, OR I want to be in that sweet spot of singlehood… but I’m not. Figuring this stuff out over 30 is really uncomfortable. I feel like I have nothing together at all sometimes and like I’ll never get it together enough to be loved well by someone I actually want. I feel so behind and almost paralyzed by traumatic life events and blah blah. I know these are demonic thoughts lol, they’re just eating into me lately. Love is my driving force and trying to live without it seems pointless. Sounds intense but you know it’s true…
So yeah, I don’t want to date around and will probably die alone and it feels bad and idk what to live for.