Original post for reference: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/mG3lDo6a1M
I (45m) came clean to wife (43f) of 20 years.
In the 9-10 days since my (45m) post I have done some soul searching. A big issue I had was turning the mirror on myself. I’ve done that.
While going through other posts of people in similar situations as myself. One poster was recommended a book. I took that recommendation and found the audio book. Listening to the book I have found a lot of myself in the descriptions of the men in the book. Constantly seeking approval from the world and trying to be a good person and doing right by other people. Long story short I’ve been a doormat because I hide behind shame and low self esteem.
I have begun to try and implement these changes. I have created a safe person circle around me for accountability; one person who tells me what I want to hear, one who tells me what I don’t want to hear, and a therapist to help me find the middle.
As a result, I have looked at myself and admitted to my circle an addiction I’ve carried around since I learned to drive (I am willing to reveal in DM’s). Admittedly, the first person I confessed to was my wife (43f). Secretly, I was hoping she would be furious.
Five days ago I decided to sit down with my wife. She was furious with me Sunday morning because I told her I wasn’t going back to church. Slamming a door as she left. When she got back I decided to engage thinking it was time to fight. The first thing I did was layout the issues my depression was causing. I told her about the book. I bought a copy for her to read, and for me to do some of the journal entries in. I confessed my addiction and I was shocked at her reaction. I had no intention of confessing but I did with a little prodding, and honestly I had hoped it would push her away. She was calm about it. Said it was surprising and I had hid it well for as long as I did (I’ve been addicted since I was 16).
As our conversation continued I said I wanted martial counseling. She agreed, but later backtracked saying she wanted to wait for me to make the changes I want. Secretly, I think that she hopes I don’t follow through and go back to my old ways of doing things. She said she was very happy with our life and only recently had not been around me because I was depressed. I told her if I implement some of the principles in this book our relationship will either get better or end. I don’t know if she heard that.
Fast forward to Tuesday. She finished the book. I asked her if she saw me in the descriptions of the examples. She said sure. She became hyper fixated on a chapter about sex. She asked me if I was unsatisfied in that area. I said yes. She seemed shocked. Side note for context: since January we have been intimate this year maybe seven times. The first time in 2025 being in March and the most recent being in early July.
I told her I thought our intimacy was stale, routine, predictable, and almost robotic. Frequency has always been an issue through our marriage. She told me she thought it was great. She had no complaints and figured some of my issues were due to age.
There was another incident where I shared with her something I am discussing with my therapist today. I asked her opinion. She blew me off saying I knew that, but became fixated on something I quoted that my mother used to say when I was young.
That is the update. Sorry for the length.
TL;DR: Spoke with wife. Trying to “fix” relationship. Admitted flaws and addiction. Still feel wife is clueless as to extent of issues