I really need an outside perspective on this because I’m starting to feel crazy.
So my boyfriend (26M) and I (25F) have been together for a while. Recently he told me something that really upset me: that if I don’t treat his close family the same way I treat my own family (my parents and siblings), then our relationship won’t work. He said it has to be completely natural and sincere, and that if I’m “making an effort,” then it doesn’t count because it’s not genuine.
The thing is, I am an introvert. I don’t instantly form deep connections, even with my extended relatives. Of course I’m polite, kind, helpful, and I’ve tried to be present with his family, I genuinely make an effort. But he says if it’s not spontaneous, it’s worthless. He even said this was a “huge deal breaker” and that he would consider breaking up with me because he can’t spend his life with someone who doesn’t put his family on the same pedestal as my own.
For context, my family are my top 1 people in my life. He’s basically asking me to put his family at the same level, which to me is unrealistic. Even if we get married one day, they will still be in-laws, not my own siblings/parents.
I do like his family, they’ve been nothing but nice, but it feels unfair to demand that I feel the same closeness. And honestly, there’s more complexity in his family dynamics (he has a sister with serious mental health issues, and I’m not even sure how I’d handle that role long-term).
So now I’m stuck. He sees my hesitation as proof I don’t really love him. I see his demand as unrealistic and kind of controlling.