I 30F am not very experienced. I didn’t become active until I was 27. I’ve had 4 partners including my current boyfriend who’s 35.
He recently has been asking to expand our sex life. I’m all for it but gave 3 specific things I do not like. Mutiple fingers, slapping my butt and doggy position.
He was groveled about the first two and said ok but keeps bringing up doggy position. I’ve told him repeatedly the position makes me uncomfortable and is painful. He insists it won’t be with him and when we are in bed attempts to switch to this position every time.
Last night I got angry when he did this and cut the night short. He asked again why I won’t try with him. He kept repeating my answer wasn’t good enough so I stated “if it wasn’t any different with the other 3 why would it be different now. It’s uncomfortable and painful so I do not want to try again”
Did I handle this wrong? He’s now pouting saying I hurt his feelings by not at least trying and yelling at him over something that would make him happy.
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Post title: Did I handle it wrong
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I 30F am not very experienced. I didn’t become active until I was 27. I’ve had 4 partners including my current boyfriend who’s 35.
He recently has been asking to expand our sex life. I’m all for it but gave 3 specific things I do not like. Mutiple fingers, slapping my butt and doggy position.
He was groveled about the first two and said ok but keeps bringing up doggy position. I’ve told him repeatedly the position makes me uncomfortable and is painful. He insists it won’t be with him and when we are in bed attempts to switch to this position every time.
Last night I got angry when he did this and cut the night short. He asked again why I won’t try with him. He kept repeating my answer wasn’t good enough so I stated “if it wasn’t any different with the other 3 why would it be different now. It’s uncomfortable and painful so I do not want to try again”
Did I handle this wrong? He’s now pouting saying I hurt his feelings by not at least trying and yelling at him over something that would make him happy.
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i would just never do that position ever again. i hate petty men and will always be worse lmao
> Did I handle this wrong? He’s now pouting saying I hurt his feelings by not at least trying and yelling at him over something that would make him happy.
Not at all. You told him your boundaries and he refused to respect them. He is completely out-of-line. I would be angry in your situation, and I think any reasonable person would be.
The fact that he is trying to spin this around and make this your problem is a *huge red flag*. It is manipulative, it is pressuring, it is disrespectful. It’s also ridiculous. You only told him three things that were hard “no’s” and sex is super open-ended, there are many different positions, different possible activities and things to try. And instead of creatively trying suggesting things from the nearly endless set of things you didn’t say “no” to, he picks from the three things you said no to? The more you think about it rationally, the more awful it is. Not only is this guy overstepping your boundaries, it’s like he’s gone out of his way to do so. And he is showing a complete lack of imagination, creativity, and open-mindedness.
If I were you I would drop this guy immediately, and consider it a bullet dodged.
You can and will find a partner who will respect your boundaries. And if you ever do try something that you were initially not comfortable with, it can be with someone who respects your boundaries and does not pressure you. Seriously. Any partner worth being with will accept these boundaries without questioning them.
Do you happen to have endometriosis? Cause truthfully im hella confused about the “multiple fingers” thing. Just a singular finger seems insanely boring. As for doggy. My guess is your cervix is lower than the average woman which could be why it hurts. If your current partner is smaller than the others doggy will more than likely be ok. It is a very vulnerable position but it can feel good when done right. Worst case scenario if you are open to trying doggy have him hold perfectly still and you can rock yourself back and forth that way you control how deep he goes.
That being said if he’s not respecting your boundaries he never will and that’s a dangerous place to be. I don’t like being Ontop because I’m overweight and experience a great deal of pain in my knees as well as most men aren’t big enough for me to be ontop comfortably without it slipping out 30 times in 5 minutes LOL. My boyfriend really wants me to be ontop BUT he has NEVER pushed me to get ontop
your body, your choice
Your bf is a self centred asshole.
Your body, not his. YOU decide what happens to it, also be should be responding to your desires and comfort.
You got angry because he doesn’t respect your boundaries. He doesn’t need to understand where you are coming from but he can still be empathetic and patient. If he actually cares about you and not just sex he will be patient and potentially find ways for you guys to do more in a way that makes you both happy and comfortable. As of right now he’s giving huge red flags.
No it sounds like he only cares about himself.
I don’t think you handled it wrong– you have enough experience with that position to know it is painful and, more than that, you know you do not like it.
Even the BEST of the BEST position, if done under conditions of a person just not giving a crap about what you are SAYING from your lived experience, is going to suck all the more.
What the heck does he mean by “your answer isn’t good enough.” A simple “No” should be good enough, in all cases.
I wouldn’t compare him to the others, I’d just say, “I have given that as much of a go as I wish to, and, no, I don’t like it. It hurts.”
Not going to lie kind of sounds like it might be time to move on to guy number 5. This guy seems uncaring of your feelings and this behavior tends to escalate and happen in other parts of the relationship. You did nothing wrong and I do not do doggy is a good enough answer; there is no need for further explanation.
You handled it exactly right. I would include telling him that if he ever brings it up again, or tries it again, you will break up immediately. Because it’s proof that he doesn’t respect your boundaries. And will badger you literally forever until he gets his way. Which is actual rape.
He doesn’t care about enthusiastic consent. He just wants what HE wants.
Tell him you will do doggy if he lets you do one if his hard nods to him. Or if you know what they are, throw them in his face and pout about it and keep pushing it. Then, when he snapps at you, then maybe he will understand. I know that’s very very childish but a 35 year old getting upset and pouting and saying you hurt my feelings because you won’t let me cross a hard limit for you is even more childish and manipulative.
I personally think you’re better off leaving and walking away, clean break and finding someone who will respect your body and all your limits.
Heyyy have you heard of those oh nuts? It’s like a donut that you put on their cock so they can’t go too deep. Maybe that would help? Just a suggestion, you shouldn’t do anything you really don’t want to do …
The only thing missing is you breaking up for him for not respecting your boundaries. He is pouting? At his big age? Nah let him go
He doesn’t respect your boundaries. He manipulates you into doing things you’ve said no to. He doesn’t respect your responses to questions and pressures you to change her mind. He says your answer isn’t good enough, even though “no” is a full sentence and you don’t need a reason to not consent to something.
Girl, this guy is trash. You didn’t handle it wrong. He’s just the wrong guy. Next bin day, chuck the trash out.
he only wants to do it cos youre telling him no
You’re allowed to have boundaries with anyone you like. He should just take what you have to say seriously cause it seems like he was being AWFULLY pushy.
I’m aromantic so take this with grain of salt.
It’s disrespectful from him to keep asking something you have already answered.
If his feelings are hurt then they’re hurt. However that’s no on you. You didn’t inject those feelings to him. He set himself for this by thinking you would change your mind. That’s childish of him in my opinion.
You have keep being logic and way more patient than I would have been after telling “no” to something. It is very reasonable and needed to demand him finally respecting you.
It might be different with him. Different anatomies work differently together. However him being that pushy is not good promise of him being careful. Also I would be too petty to let him “win” after him being disrespectful.
edit. It’s many times good idea to switch the roles. Imagine he would have said “no” to your favorite position. Would you have behaved as him?
The response to him is “Wait, so me being uncomfortable and in pain is what will make you HAPPY? You don’t care that it hurts me? You clearly don’t care about making ME happy.”
You should call it off. Pestering for specifically stated out-of-bounds sex acts is tedious at best. He’s just trying to figure out what combination of pouting, whining, guilt tripping, and manipulation will finally wear you down so you give in. And then he’ll push past another boundary and another and next thing you know, you don’t even know yourself anymore.
Anyone who will not take no for an answer does not have your best interests in mind. This is not what love looks like.
Drop that Zero and get you a Hero!!!!
I think some people want what they cannot have. If they really like something, and they’re not getting it, it’s like an itch that gets itchier. Or, if OP gives in and scratches the proverbial itch, the want for (example) doggy will subside. Once the dog catches the car- what does it do?
What I’m trying to say is that these may be things he cannot live without, and I have no judgement towards him or yourself for not wanting it. Both sides have to be open and honest about needs. And if they don’t align, and it’s an issue, sometimes they never will align and it’s ok to seek someone else whom is more compatible with what is, and is not, on the menu. I’ve experienced this first hand with a girl who had no sex drive and everything was a chore. I made sure on the next one where her needs I was fine with doing, and vice versa. And there things off the menu I was completely fine with.
>Did I handle this wrong?
No.
I’m a few years older than your BF. I like doggy a lot, it’s possibly my favorite position of all time (though not that sex isn’t good in other positions – far from). But when I tried it with my fiancé, she said she didn’t like it. Our parts are mismatched in that position, my length is such that certain positions has me hitting her cervix, and doggy is one of those. That was some 10 years ago, I think, and I’ve never brought it up since.
Slight digression: The other day, she off-handedly mentioned how certain positions are impractical or not desireable, and brought up doggy as one of those that she wishes we could be doing. So now we’re looking into OhNut or similar. That’s a fun bonus. I appreciate that she said something, even if it’s been years. I just want to be really clear that after she said she doesn’t want to, I left it alone – this wasn’t me playing the long game, when she said she doesn’t want to do it I fully accepted that we wouldn’t be doing doggy anymore.
>I hurt his feelings by not at least trying and yelling at him over something that would make him happy.
Uh… well, that’s certainly one position he could be taking.
But here’s another:
Sexual satisfaction is, mechanically, usually more accessible for men than for women. By virtue of statistics alone, let alone chivalry or whatever other factors you want to bring into this, it stands to reason that a gentleman will prioritize the woman’s happiness – because *his* happiness is either already all but guaranteed, or is soon to follow anyway by the sheer fact of now being in bed with a grateful and satisfied woman.
You didn’t handle it wrong, he did. He should have taken your No as meaning you weren’t interested, and to drop the subject. Whether it might feel different with him or not, it’s your choice to try it or not, not his.
I would have be willing to give him a pass as “young and dumb,” but 35 is way past that stage. He’s being a whiny baby, and maybe getting his feelings hurt will get him to back off.
BTW, he pressures you, but it’s HIS feelings that get hurt? Please. He should be apologizing to you for being a dick and let it go. If he won’t, ask him to let you peg him. When he says no, tell him it’ll feel good with you and he should let you try it. When he starts to get pissy, remind him that’s how he was treating you, and ask him how he feels about it now.
Oh he’s a baby he needs to grow the f up
Ok… so, I agree with everyone’s else’s comments of “your body, your choice,” but… can you elaborate on why doggy is “uncomfortable and painful?” I ask for two reasons. 1- because I’m super curious since that’s something I’ve never heard from a woman before, and 2- I would expect your boyfriend maybe also has never heard of doggy being uncomfortable and painful and maybe just can’t wrap his head around the concept without a deeper explanation. Which, by the way, you do not owe him, but you may want to try if you haven’t and you value the relationship
First, your boundaries are your boundaries and he needs to respect them.
Second, your boundaries have consequences and you need to accept that. Sex with you sounds *very* restrictive and frankly boring. I would not stay with you, most men will feel the same.
He’s frustrated and acting out. He shouldn’t act out. But he’s right to be frustrated.
ugh why do i keep seeing this sentiment from men, like doggy is the end all be all position? i’m so so so grateful for my bf that he understands why i can’t do that position (not just pain but trauma) and would never try to persuade me into it. PLEASE. i promise there are better guys out here!!
I’m sorry that Doggy isn’t comfortable for you. My ex was never about it until I introduced her and then she went wild and now she probably gives it to her new guy that way!
seems to me he only cares about himself. no is no. very odd for him to keep pushing it & insisting “it won’t be uncomfortable & painful with him” is desperate & dumb.
If it’s something you want to do, but you are just scared of the pain. I would recommend trying it really slowly and making your partner not go all the way in. I went through this where it was so painful and it took a while(months) but eventually it started to not hurt as much and was really enjoyable. But your partner has to listen to you when it hurts, and not go super far in. Something you can only do with someone who cares about your pleasure too. It took months and it still hurts if he accidentally goes too deep but he just adjusted for me and knows how to not go too deep in this position. But if it’s something you don’t even wanna try that’s understandable too. But wanted to give you a new perspective that it does get better if you try.
Wow, set him free, who wants a life with such a prude.
Nah you didn’t handle that wrong at all. He sounds like a bit of an ass
I need sex . I’m 41 virgin.
I need any style lol