Does the end justify the means in cases like this? I felt like something was going on so I snooped. I know I crossed a line, but I can’t take it back now. And I found something. Not quite the smoking gun I anticipated, but I found things that upset me. He says I am making a bigger deal out of it than necessary and shouldn’t have been going through his phone regardless. To clarify, I found him discussing our disagreements with his friends. The way he told it was pretty one sided. He had additional passwords on some of his apps and idk why He has notifications set to not show previews like he’s hiding them. The main thing I found was convos with his ex. They weren’t inappropriate or anything and they were a long time ago from the beginning of our relationship, and not since then. I just feel like he hid that from me. He says I am the one that broke trust by violating his privacy, which is important to him. I say the content I found is what broke trust. But now, it’s a source of contention between us every time we have a disagreement it gets brought up and I find myself thinking everything he’s doing is shady, especially on his phone. And now he’s changed his passwords and keeps his phone on silent, because I have since gone through it again behind his back. If I found something once, doesn’t that kind of give me the right to make sure there’s nothing else?
TL;DR I found questionable things when I snooped through his phone, so I feel justified. He said it’s a violation of privacy.
I can’t stop snooping, he’s keeping his phone more away.
13 comments
Yes, he now knows you do not trust him. That is very hard to recover from.
Of course a lot probably happened to get to this point, but without couples Counseling i don’t see the relationship recover from it.
Sounds like you didn’t really find anything. You essentially went through his diary (internal thoughts) with his friends. He’s allowed to vent about you, even if it’s not truthful to people he confides in.
The ex-gf talk is definitely weird, but you said yourself was not inappropriate, and unless break off all friendships with your exes was a discussion in your relationship, it doesn’t sound like he did anything bad there either.
What you did was objectively wrong.
>He has notifications set to not show previews like he’s hiding them.
I simply do this not to hide anything, but to just not be bothered with endless notifications.
Break up. Or seek couples counseling.
If he’s untrustworthy you deserve better. If he did nothing wrong, he deserves some privacy.
If you are married, have joint finances, can’t separate, share children and are concerned genuinely about a gambling addiction or infidelity or something that could destroy your life, I think there is reason to snoop. Hell, my husband and I share all our pws because when you do life together it’s easier to call home and say “hey babe, log in to XYZ for me and do x, will you?”
I will also say, any snooping done should be disclosed, so your partner is aware it happened. And then you talk about marriage counseling or ways to rebuild trust because a snoopy relationship is unsustainable.
If you are dating and there is this level of insecurity and this little trust, just break up. It won’t get better.
Also, I assume my husband talks to his friend about our relationship. His friend is very much like my husband, a good man with good values, so I’m glad he has someone to talk to. Sometimes you need an outside perspective on things. I honestly think it’s part of a healthy relationship. I’m not talking about trash talking, but I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked my best friend “Hey, X happened, am I crazy?” And shes told me “yeah, that’s a you issue.” And then I go tell my husband and apologize.
**I say the content I found is what broke trust.**
Imo, you have this backwards. You snooped *because* you don’t trust him. Also, I don’t think what you did is wrong. It’s human nature to snoop thru phones when a person thinks something is off. However, you’re still snooping and this is pointless, because all of this is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. You don’t trust him and you won’t fix this by scrolling thru his phone.
Trust is an integral component of all longer term relationships and without it you won’t last. You need to figure out if you want to work on this, meaning couples counseling. If you don’t want to try that, or he refuses, there’s not much left to save here.
You said if you found something once- does that justify it. Does he have a history of cheating or inappropriate stuff or is it just this one time of what you said? Are you insecure or have a habit of checking his location and being paranoid?
This is when you break up. Your love story doesn’t include going through his phone because you can’t trust him. You want somebody you can trust!
There’s never a justification for snooping. If you tell them you don’t trust them and they don’t voluntarily let you look, you’re justified in leaving. A partner should want you to feel safe in a relationship. Stop trying to snoop and just leave him.
You don’t trust your partner. So why are you with them?
You don’t trust him you don’t say why. It could be him but this sounds way more like you problem. You didn’t actually find anything. Three year old appropriate conversations with an ex and conversations with his friends where he talks about disagreements with you. That’s nothing. Of course he changed his password that’s a serious breach of trust. You’re lucky all he did was change his password and not totally nope out of the whole relationship because that’s what I would have done. I would suggest you seek some counseling though even if it’s for the next relationship because I’m guessing these trust issues are a pattern.
He’s going to break up with you.
To answer your question, no it wasn’t justified. No matter how many flimsy reasons you fling at it after the fact.
I don’t like those annoying pop-up notifications either. 🤷🏻♂️ You barely found anything on his phone. It’s normal to talk about your relationship with a friend, and of course it’s going to be his side. Seriously, what are you even upset about? He has more right than you to feel upset. His girlfriend doesn’t trust him.
I’m a little unclear on what you found. If I understand correctly, you found him discussing arguments you’ve had. He told the story in such a way as to get validation that he was right. That’s not great, but it’s not uncommon. Do you discuss disagreements you’ve had with him with your friends, either through test or in person? Do you think he would say you’ve accurately portrayed his side? People who try to be fair about the situation are often looking for advice, people who give a biased view are usually just looking for validation.
As far as the ex goes, you found conversations with his ex. Those conversations weren’t inappropriate and ended before you got together, if I understand correctly. What is the problem here? I’m not clear on that either. At the very least, you did learn he’s not still texting his ex, right?
I’m not looking to give you a hard time, I just want to better understand the issue before offering any advice.