I am 33 and I dated a man who is 36 for nearly three years after meeting through online dating. After pulling away for months after I feel I tried to make things work, I broke up with him last winter over a text message and subsequently blocked him and deleted his friends and family and him off of social media, then unblocked and texted some about why I was leaving him, but I ended up going back to him this spring. Now I don’t know if we’re actually in a relationship now or if I should walk away again.
When we first started dating, things were really slow and confusing. He had only had one six month relationship prior to me while I’ve had several long term relationships. He wasn’t seeing me every weekend, usually every other weekend, because he said he had farming responsibilities, family events, or was busy with friends. After five or six months, I was dying to know if he was actually my boyfriend because I felt like I was in limbo. He did bring me around his family once when I came to his house (he lives in his dad’s basement) and I met his friends once, but our relationship only seemed to move forward when I took the initiative. I really want a man who pursues me, but with him it felt like he wanted me to pursue him. Whenever I brought it up, he’d say, “I wasn’t sure what you wanted,” but my thought was: then just ask. It drove me nuts because I felt like he had zero initiative and I was dragging the relationship forward. He did tell me he loved me first, but not until nine months in. Overall, it felt like the relationship kept stalling unless I forced it along, and that made me feel really insecure and unwanted.
Beyond that, there were other issues. He lives one hour away on his family’s farm, staying in an unfinished basement on a futon from college. He started with $125k in private student loans from college (now down to $50k) after partying hard, getting arrested, getting a DUI, and dropping out. He’s totaled his car five times from reckless driving and fixed it up again. His friends are heavy drinkers, weed smokers, and sometimes do drugs. I’ve seen them fight violently with their partners. I never felt very safe around them and hear wild stories and he sometimes still drives after drinking, even after his prior DUI and spending a day in jail and losing his license for a year and getting probation, which he bragged about violating by moving his friend. Once he scared me badly by driving my car recklessly at night, passing cars in no-passing zones and lingering in the oncoming lane.
He also has a temper. Sometimes when losing games or talking about politics, he gets visibly angry and it scares me. Once, after I made a playful comment, he told me, “you don’t wanna make me mad,” and then started shaking and slamming farm equipment around while I was there alone at night.
When we discussed moving in together a year ago, I finally brought up contributions and he couldn’t give me a straight answer about money, saying, “a few hundred idk I’ll have to check” and never bring it up again. I was supposed to leave my city for him, but I postponed, started pulling away, and eventually broke up over text. I blocked him because I was scared of his reaction, maybe I was crazy idk.
Two months later, my mom pressured me to apologize and said he was gold to me (she’s very toxic), so I reached out again. We’ve been dating casually since spring. He said he didn’t know if we could get back together and that it would “take time and consistency to rebuild trust.” At first we just met halfway for dinner and hugged goodbye. Now it’s been five months, he stays the night some weekends, but we don’t say “I love you,” he doesn’t see me every weekend, sometimes only every other weekend, and he doesn’t call me even though I told him before that I need a phone call if I don’t see him once a week, but he just wants to text every evening. He just sends short evening texts like “how was your day,” and “goodnight have a great day tomorrow.” I feel lonely, unfulfilled, and depressed.
Recently he got really angry about traffic in my city, swearing and saying he hated it while I was trying to park us at the zoo. It reminded me of his temper, and I ended up just taking us home since it was crowded. He doesn’t compliment me anymore or say he misses me. I feel like I can’t date anyone else because technically we’re “seeing each other,” but I don’t feel like I’m in a real relationship or know what to call him.
He has held his union job for two years now, though he considered quitting last year. He also finally bought a decent used car (his prior one was a rust bomb). But I don’t know if he quit smoking weed, which could get him fired. He’s anti-cop and goes on rants about politics, while I’m more moderate and even thinking about returning to church.
Part of me is scared to break up with him again. I know he’d say I should have talked to him and that he would have tried to change, but I’ve asked for phone calls before and he acted irritated and said he was boring and didn’t have much to say.
So I’m torn. Am I being paranoid and making red flags out of nothing, or am I right that this isn’t going anywhere? Should I break it off cleanly, or try to have another talk first?
TL;DR: I (33F) dated a guy (36M) with a reckless past, bad temper, financial instability, and substance issues. I broke up, then went back. From the beginning the relationship was slow and confusing, and he’s still not showing initiative. We don’t say “I love you,” barely see each other, and I feel unsafe and unfulfilled. Am I in a relationship or just stuck? Should I stay, talk it out, or leave for good?