I am 40 now. But this happened few months ago at 39. He was 36.

He is very nice. Looking for marriage. Nice looking. Good paying job. I earn well as I'm in tech marketing but he earns even better as he is in tech engineering.

But he seems introverted and socially not very fun. I'm a bit introverted and nerdy myself and I've dated plenty of engineers but he seems a lot more introverted or something.

  1. We went to a show with my friends. When my friends would ask a question, he would respond. But he would not keep conservations going.
    When the concert ended, he and I beat the crowds and stepped out of the hall together. My friends were few mins behind. He just took off vs waiting and saying bye to them. It was weird. I could tell be didn't want to do small talk. I asked him later about it and he said that he didn't know it was a social norm to wait, small talk, say bye before you take off home.

  2. Another incident- He is not very open to going bowling or mini golf or stuff like that. He says he has bad hand eye coordination. But then I told him we are going bowling only as a social thing. He was willing to go eventually so we got dinner 1-1 and decided to join my friends bowling. but then the bowling alley was closed. My friends called saying they left to home but to come over and we can all hang out at home. He didn't want to join and said you go ahead to your friend's and insisted on this.

  3. One time we went hiking and there were stairs to a beach and he didn't want to take them saying they looked very scary. So we just stayed on the easy hiking path.

  4. He enjoys being at home with me playing chess, or board games, building stuff, watching TV. Or coding by himself. He enjoys going to the movies. This is all fun but I also crave a more of a social life or more fun things to do together.

  5. He does not have friends. He has people from movie meet up groups he goes to movies with and stuff. But no friends for us to hang out with.

  6. I invited him to go to a museum and he said he isn't into art or history museums so we went to this museum which catered to his engineering taste. I enjoy these things too but I also want to do other things.

  7. He enjoys doing things at home vs exploring the city. His natural state is to be at home which is fine but to a point where even on a Saturday evening he wants to build things at home with me like complex stuff, cardboard projects to make boomerangs etc.

So I'm worried if his kindness and financial stability is enough. But the lack of adventure and social stuff will be very limiting.

But I'm also 40 and I'm like maybe time to do social stuff and fun stuff by myself. And suck it up with him.


22 comments

  3. Idk I’m only 25 so I don’t have enough experience as you, but I believe that if you can’t enjoy things together it will go stale, and you should never settle , still got alot of time left and plenty of guys will still be after you I’m sure

  4. Age doesn’t matter your only gonna waste your time if your not fully committed and when people settle it usually ends badly

  5. Does he have ADHD or possibly on the Autism spectrum? I think I’m either or both and your list sounds like me. Or maybe socially awkward. He probably desires connections but struggles maintaining or dealing with people thinking he’s weird. It’s hard man.

  6. Sounds like he has issues both socialising and trying new things. I think everything You mentioned are either easily fixable or that You can come to an agreement to. But also seems like he needs help and understanding with all of these things.

    Being a partner doesnt mean You have to force the other everything YOU wanna do, it means understanding and support in order for them to Open up and try new things.

  7. If you dont want to date him then dont.

    He just sounds like an introvert whonlikes his own things.

    You 2 might not be right for eachother.
    Dont be with him just for his money that trashy, and it wont solve the issue that you dont have the same personality or are interresed in the same things.

  9. Don’t settle just cause you’re 40. But also you don’t need to drag him with you to hang out with your friends. He clearly is a huge introvert and doesn’t want to socialize. You can come home to him after you hang out with your friends

  10. Ugh never settle, I get not having the same hobbies whatever but I don’t wanna teach an adult social norms

  11. So basically, the median software engineer. Look, if you are not compatible, you are not compatible, there’s no way around it.

  12. You dislike his hobbies and interests and only wants him for his “kindness and financial stability”.
    1. He’s not gonna change, he doesn’t like to do what you do, nothing wrong with that, it’s just different. Personally, I agree with you, that seems boring, but he’s clearly happy with it and doesn’t Want to change;
    2. If you’re only with someone because they’re kind and financially stable, you should absolutely break up, he deserves better than that.

  13. if you’re already planning to live largely separate social lives before you’re even married, that suggests a deeper compatibility issue worth examining carefully 🙂

  14. I’m a severe introvert myself. I’ve trained myself to be more social in situations, but I can only go so far without being totally drained, or zoning out when I’ve had too much socializing. I think the best thing that has come out of that conditioning is no longer ending stressful phone calls in a cold sweat. I’ve had situations where people have had to cancel get togethers and feel so apologetic, but I tell them “it’s not a problem, these things happen”, and I feel relieved that I’m not obligated to be in a social situation. The crazy thing is that years ago, i dated a woman who I thought was an extrovert, but really she would have enjoyed quiet nights at home. We still talk, but both of us are happier single.

  15. Keep looking, this guy ain’t it.

    My ex and I had almost nothing in common in terms of hobbies and it makes for a very lonely journey. You have a partner, but only on their terms. After awhile you start to grow resentful because you’re not building memories together and for me that’s super important, a way to bond. You have to decide if him being only partially integrated in your life is enough.

  16. He’s set in his ways. This is a man that only does what he wants, and you are welcome to accompany him in that, or not

    Now, I myself have my own boundaries. And I’m just not going to date a man that wants to do a ton of things I have no interest in. I also won’t date a man that doesn’t enjoy what I like, at least to some extent. I’m looking for an activity partner, in addition to other things of course.

    Some people don’t mind not sharing hobbies or activities with their SO. But I need that.

    So, do you want to date someone who only does movies and board games, or not?

    Personally, I love the things he likes, and I hate bowling and mini golf and things like that. But, I wouldn’t date someone who wanted to do those things with me….

  17. Well….2 things

    1) He seems to be an good yet introverted guy…..he wont change much…if you push him…it will hurt him in long run, break his heart once and go on wild adventure…on hopping boats maybe
    2) Stay with him….life can be still be marry with him…..yes take your own time and spend time with you extrovert group and later with him…50/50 like that

  18. Talk to him about it. Maybe he wants to change. Doesn’t sound like you’re socially compatible. You will probably break up eventually, then what?

  19. Tbh it sounds like you just don’t like him, in which case I say you should break up with him. It’s not fair to him for you to ‘suck it up’ and be unhappy in your relationship. Let him go and he’ll have a chance to find someone that actually likes him. Like from your list, my takeaway is ‘damn this guy sounds awesome 😍’ and he deserves that, not someone who puts up with him.

  20. Thanks everyone. I feel like it is clear. He is nice but that is not going to be enough in the long run. You have all helped me see through this.

    I’m just staying on cause of fear that I’m 40. And wishful thinking that things will just change.

    I’ll need to be okay with my decision. I’ve a feeling he feels we aren’t as compatible as well.

  21. Ok, so AuDHD diagnosed M41 here. A few points:

    – Asperger’s is not a “mild form of autism”. There is no such thing as “a mild form of autism” – it’s like Yoda, you either are or you are not, there is no mild. People with autism have a variety of different needs, all different, hence why it’s an “autistic spectrum disorder”.

    – Some of the behaviours you listed certainly twitched my spidey-sense for ASD/ADHD.

    – But I would urge you to refrain from painting those behaviours as a “problem” (I’m not accusing you of doing so, just saying it’s easily done). It’s more beneficial to see it as a difference of preference or as an area he finds more challenging. Lack of empathy often gets thrown at autistic people, but what that actually means is not “we don’t have feelings” (we actually feel some emotions more vividly than neurotypicals), it’s “we don’t have the thing built in that neurotypicals do where we can automatically see it from another’s perspective”.

    – My advice would be two-fold: if you don’t want to date a neurodivergent, don’t. A lot of people don’t, a lot of people pay it lip service, but when it comes to it, they don’t. That’s fine; your preferences are your preferences, just as his are with activities. Neurodivergent men are the most chronically single group there is – people are missing out on having great people in their lives as a result, but it is what it is.

    – If you do want to continue the relationship, then the way through it is about communication. Clear, direct, kind. There will be far more online, especially with neurodivergent content creators, than I can write here, but it will be about working out what’s truly important to you and what isn’t. Some things like danger aversion won’t change I’d say, but I think there would be hope in socialising with your friends if it’s framed as “this is why it’s important to me, this is the expectation, this is how I feel when the expectation isn’t met.”

    Best of luck, whatever you choose to do :-).

    *Also, fyi Hans Asperger was a Nazi, and wrong in his diagnoses on many levels, so it’s not really a name used in polite society these days…*

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