When did you realise it was limerence and not love?
September 14, 2025
When did you realise it was limerence and not love?
21 comments
It clicked when I realized I was basically fan-girling a man who couldn’t even do the laundry by himself or load the dishwasher correctly
I dated a guy for a month when I was in my early 20s and he ghosted me. I didn’t reach out to him but I convinced myself this guy was the one that got away and thought about him intermittently for years to come. I had him on a pedestal in my mind as being the perfect guy which in retrospect was easy to do because we’d never actually had a real relationship! He messaged me 8 years later and again we dated for a month before he faded away. I was older and wiser and realized in the absence of actually knowing him, I’d put together a person who didn’t really exist. So, long story short- it took me 8 years to realize it!
When I leaned the word limerence and realized that it applied to what I was experiencing.
When I had full blown feelings for someone while they don’t even remember my name (usually someone with whom I had no history, interacted with them a little but didn’t know too well). When I pinned after them for AGES, while they lived their life. Thoughts of them would make me distressed and whatever information I found out about them would send me spiraling. But I still wouldn’t be able to put them behind me.
I feel like the key (for me) to cutting a limerent episode short is getting the chance to get to know them, and finding out they’re really not that great as I’ve made them out to be but I’ve rarely gotten to do that, so some of my episodes (and the pain!) have lasted for years.. 🥲
Six years later, when I first heard the word limerence.
When I realized my “crush” on them was putting me in a dark mental spot. I couldn’t think about anything but them, I felt rejected when they wanted to spend time elsewhere but on top of the world when they did, the stress was getting so bad that I lost a handful of pounds from being unable to stomach anything.
But then I spent more time with her, and really truly thought about dating her, and realized neither of us would be happy. She just wasn’t my type, and harmless annoyances and icks somehow managed to fix the pedestal I was putting her on.
I was basically in denial of who they actually were. Even when there were so many glaring facts about their shortcomings, when my friends and even strangers would point out their flaws, when they would do things that were super cringey and icky, I kept clinging the imaginary version of them that I had created in my head in the beginning. I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s the best way I can describe it.
When I noticed that I didn’t like him as much outside of our shared interest. We bonded over medieval history and fantasy literature but I only saw him in that context and for a while refused to acknowledge that he was a bigger person with more interests and personality than that. Glad I never acted on that crush. It would have been unfair to him.
I honestly don’t really believe in love, and I never really did. Saying ‘I love you’ has always been cringey to me. Which is weird because I am kinda obsessive.
When i listed who he was as a person and realised how much of him I had created in my own mind. I didn’t see the real him. I saw what he could become.
when it was too late
[removed]
When I realized I was fixating on the image of him I had in my head and not the real person he actually was.
[removed]
When I realized I loved the idea of them, not them.
WHEN I REALIZED I CAN’T FEEL THIS ADMIRATION WHEN HE WAS AROUND. ONLY WHEN HE IS OUT OF REACH.
When I realized that even though I had all the feelings, I didn’t actually like him as a person.
A crush is a lack of information and your brain will try to fill in details and create fantasies that don’t exist. You can run yourself ragged over someone’s attention or lack of attention, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter if nothing comes of it. It’s impact that matters, not intention or perceived intention.
In my opinion, there’s a lot of ways to show interest in a woman and make an impact. Small things add up. If someone offers me a baecation, I’m running in the opposite direction, too much, too soon. I don’t like the “if they wanted to, they would” rhetoric, but gestures and impact matter.
Such a person doesn’t love you, feel for you and isn’t interested in being your romantic interest if those gestures and impacts don’t come into existence. I think about that every time I see a couple, that someone made a clear bid for affection and the other person reciprocated and now they’re holding hands or arm in arm walking down the block. That’s how love begins.
Limerence is caused by the absence of that bid for affection from your limerent object and their gestures, the impact, everything that could’ve been. The hunger you feel from limerence is your desire being starved instead of fed. Love feeds. Limerence is proof of being starved.
When I noticed any notification was making me anxious, my body knew way before I figured it out. I’m trying to listen to it a lot better now.
Right now. Fuck. I think it’s time to evaluate my relationship… and take this to my therapist
When he owed me money he had no intention of paying back and I still wanted to be near him
21 comments
It clicked when I realized I was basically fan-girling a man who couldn’t even do the laundry by himself or load the dishwasher correctly
I dated a guy for a month when I was in my early 20s and he ghosted me. I didn’t reach out to him but I convinced myself this guy was the one that got away and thought about him intermittently for years to come. I had him on a pedestal in my mind as being the perfect guy which in retrospect was easy to do because we’d never actually had a real relationship! He messaged me 8 years later and again we dated for a month before he faded away. I was older and wiser and realized in the absence of actually knowing him, I’d put together a person who didn’t really exist. So, long story short- it took me 8 years to realize it!
When I leaned the word limerence and realized that it applied to what I was experiencing.
When I had full blown feelings for someone while they don’t even remember my name (usually someone with whom I had no history, interacted with them a little but didn’t know too well). When I pinned after them for AGES, while they lived their life. Thoughts of them would make me distressed and whatever information I found out about them would send me spiraling. But I still wouldn’t be able to put them behind me.
I feel like the key (for me) to cutting a limerent episode short is getting the chance to get to know them, and finding out they’re really not that great as I’ve made them out to be but I’ve rarely gotten to do that, so some of my episodes (and the pain!) have lasted for years.. 🥲
Six years later, when I first heard the word limerence.
When I realized my “crush” on them was putting me in a dark mental spot. I couldn’t think about anything but them, I felt rejected when they wanted to spend time elsewhere but on top of the world when they did, the stress was getting so bad that I lost a handful of pounds from being unable to stomach anything.
But then I spent more time with her, and really truly thought about dating her, and realized neither of us would be happy. She just wasn’t my type, and harmless annoyances and icks somehow managed to fix the pedestal I was putting her on.
I was basically in denial of who they actually were. Even when there were so many glaring facts about their shortcomings, when my friends and even strangers would point out their flaws, when they would do things that were super cringey and icky, I kept clinging the imaginary version of them that I had created in my head in the beginning. I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s the best way I can describe it.
When I noticed that I didn’t like him as much outside of our shared interest. We bonded over medieval history and fantasy literature but I only saw him in that context and for a while refused to acknowledge that he was a bigger person with more interests and personality than that. Glad I never acted on that crush. It would have been unfair to him.
I honestly don’t really believe in love, and I never really did. Saying ‘I love you’ has always been cringey to me. Which is weird because I am kinda obsessive.
When i listed who he was as a person and realised how much of him I had created in my own mind. I didn’t see the real him. I saw what he could become.
when it was too late
[removed]
When I realized I was fixating on the image of him I had in my head and not the real person he actually was.
[removed]
When I realized I loved the idea of them, not them.
WHEN I REALIZED I CAN’T FEEL THIS ADMIRATION WHEN HE WAS AROUND. ONLY WHEN HE IS OUT OF REACH.
When I realized that even though I had all the feelings, I didn’t actually like him as a person.
A crush is a lack of information and your brain will try to fill in details and create fantasies that don’t exist. You can run yourself ragged over someone’s attention or lack of attention, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter if nothing comes of it. It’s impact that matters, not intention or perceived intention.
In my opinion, there’s a lot of ways to show interest in a woman and make an impact. Small things add up. If someone offers me a baecation, I’m running in the opposite direction, too much, too soon. I don’t like the “if they wanted to, they would” rhetoric, but gestures and impact matter.
Such a person doesn’t love you, feel for you and isn’t interested in being your romantic interest if those gestures and impacts don’t come into existence. I think about that every time I see a couple, that someone made a clear bid for affection and the other person reciprocated and now they’re holding hands or arm in arm walking down the block. That’s how love begins.
Limerence is caused by the absence of that bid for affection from your limerent object and their gestures, the impact, everything that could’ve been. The hunger you feel from limerence is your desire being starved instead of fed. Love feeds. Limerence is proof of being starved.
When I noticed any notification was making me anxious, my body knew way before I figured it out. I’m trying to listen to it a lot better now.
Right now. Fuck. I think it’s time to evaluate my relationship… and take this to my therapist
When he owed me money he had no intention of paying back and I still wanted to be near him