My partner (39m) and I (32f) have been together for 11 years. We’ve have the same fight for years now. I need more help around the house, he needs more sex and for me to be more affectionate. He states he cannot step up with helping more until I am making him feel wanted/loved. He also states that “we have different ideas of what maintaining a home means”. For him, doing laundry means doing it every 2 months and possibly have to buy new underwear instead of doing a load of laundry. His idea of taking out the trash is taking the bag out of the bin and leaving it in the corner of the kitchen until 2-3 bags pile up and then taking it outside. I completely understand that we all have different standard of cleanliness and I do not expect him to meet me at my level, but, I do expect him to be able to fully take the trash out.
In regard to the sex, he says that “you used to be way more affectionate and we had sex all the time” therefore he knows I CAN meet that need.. I’m just not in the fucking mood. I, on the other hand, have never known him to be able to maintain a home, so my need being met is up in the air, but I do think he is capable of stepping the fuck up. I’d also like to add that he uses sex as a coping mechanism. If he’s anxious, sex. Stressed, sex. Sad, sex. If we have sex at night, in the morning he either wants to have sex again or he will masturbate. I have zero issues with him masturbating, it’s more for context to express that I feel like the sex will never be enough.
I’m not sure what I’m asking for here.. maybe just general thoughts on this? Has anyone been in this situation and been able to work through it?
I’ll add a few things for context: I was very young when we started dating, and had very bad relationship skills. I ignored all my needs, put him above everything, and we had sex all the time even if I did not want it because I was anxious, scared to say no and prioritized him. I know that these behaviors set me up for this situation. Also, we have a 1 year old so I don’t want to leave until I feel like I have fully done everything I can. I’m almost there but not quite yet…
TL;DR partner does not step up at home to help despite multiple conversations and also uses sex is his coping mechanism so he needs it constantly. How to navigate this?