So me and my boyfriend (18f and 18m) have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. We've started having sex before we hit the 1 year mark and honestly my first experience was horrible. I don't wanna get into it alot but anyway at the beginning of the relationship we were both virgins and started exploring our preferences. He was more open to both sides while I liked being dominant alot. So from time to time he would dominate me and be dominated by me. I thought I was a switch and so did he until around after we hit the 1 year mark. After exploring more I realised I loved being submissive and that being dominant wasn't something i wanted to continue doing but I still did so because I still kind of liked it and it made my boyfriend happy. He started wanting more things like wanting to be stepped on, wanting to have a leash around his neck and being led on all fours etc. At first I did it but now I have grown uncomfortable towards it and have communicated that with him to which we stopped doing things like that. He also realised he enjoyed being submissive "infinitely" more than dominating me and that has become a big problem in our relationship. He has always reassured me that he also wants to dominate me and enjoys it but craves the other thing much more. Due to that he has told me that he feels unsatisfied in our relationship. He asked me if I could work on my preferences and compromise with him which basically just means that I should find a way to get into it. Because I also feel now unsatisfied since I wanna be dominated by a man who is really into it and this energy isn't delivered, in combination with all the arguing, I have lost interest in intimacy and my sex drive has hit zero. I don't have much of an interest in solo intimacy nor intimacy with my boyfriend. I don't know what to do, is there no way I can change my preferences so I can be a good girlfriend for him? Also opening the relationship is out of question and we really don't want to end our relationship because of this.
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Post title: My boyfriend wants me to “work” on my preferences
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So me and my boyfriend (18f and 18m) have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. We’ve started having sex before we hit the 1 year mark and honestly my first experience was horrible. I don’t wanna get into it alot but anyway at the beginning of the relationship we were both virgins and started exploring our preferences. He was more open to both sides while I liked being dominant alot. So from time to time he would dominate me and be dominated by me. I thought I was a switch and so did he until around after we hit the 1 year mark. After exploring more I realised I loved being submissive and that being dominant wasn’t something i wanted to continue doing but I still did so because I still kind of liked it and it made my boyfriend happy. He started wanting more things like wanting to be stepped on, wanting to have a leash around his neck and being led on all fours etc. At first I did it but now I have grown uncomfortable towards it and have communicated that with him to which we stopped doing things like that. He also realised he enjoyed being submissive “infinitely” more than dominating me and that has become a big problem in our relationship. He has always reassured me that he also wants to dominate me and enjoys it but craves the other thing much more. Due to that he has told me that he feels unsatisfied in our relationship. He asked me if I could work on my preferences and compromise with him which basically just means that I should find a way to get into it. Because I also feel now unsatisfied since I wanna be dominated by a man who is really into it and this energy isn’t delivered, in combination with all the arguing, I have lost interest in intimacy and my sex drive has hit zero. I don’t have much of an interest in solo intimacy nor intimacy with my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do, is there no way I can change my preferences so I can be a good girlfriend for him? Also opening the relationship is out of question and we really don’t want to end our relationship because of this.
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Why can’t he be the one to “work on his preferences”?
Because it just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes people can compromise or take turns having sex be to their preference. But it sounds like you have both discovered you are subs. And neither one of you wants to take turns. You both just want to be subs.
At that point, you either break up, or open the relationship and sleep with other doms. As things are now, one of you will not have a good time sexually. That’s not sustainable long term.
You two are not sexually compatible and probably shouldn’t be together.
Curious question- you started having sex for the first time at 16 and you guys are now 18, did you jump very quickly into sex as something with submissive and dominant roles? Was there never any ‘vanilla’ sex? Can either of you enjoy sensual, slow sex or vanilla sex without any D/S dynamic? Do you view sex as something that requires a power dynamic to be enjoyed?
Just find it interesting at your young ages and brand-new to sex to go so quickly into dog-leashes and being stepped on. Any idea where the concept came from that you guys needed to define yourselves as switches or dominant or submissive?
Compromise is a thing and is a positive aspect of healthy relationships. You have no obligation to change yourself for his benefit any more than he does for you. Compromise is still well on the table *for both of you* but it is *not* compromise for him to choose his way *and* for you to choose his way.
Sexual compatibility is also a thing.
You’re learning who you are as a sexual person, as is your boyfriend. Neither of you are wrong for enjoying the things you enjoy. He is no less of a man for choosing to be submissive, and you are no more of a woman for also preferring to be submissive.
It’s possible, even likely from your description, that you’ve grown in incompatible directions, and without *mutual* compromise (and you should understand that compromise is, by definition, mutual), there may not be much of a way forward for you as a couple.
That’s *ok*. You’re 18. You grow, you learn, you get together, you break up, you move on, you learn some more.
You did explore your preference. You found what you likes/dislikes, so did he. You tried his kinks and you just aren’t that into it. You’re not sexually compatible and that’s okay. You’re both really young and this is part of life.
The type of kink he’s into is also more than vanilla, this isn’t just “I want you be on top of me” type of dominant.
Sadly there’s no perfect ending to this story. Either you will compromise yourself thin and be resentful, or he’ll feel continue to feel unsatisfied.
There is no way around being both of you being submissive with compromise. You switch (both of you) from time to time or you move on.
You guys just don’t sound sexually compatible. You’re only 18. Go explore the world.
I don’t understand wanting to be a part of the sub/Dom world so young. You should be exploring each other’s bodies. Figuring out how things work. With that in mind this makes me feel like this post is fake.
Do you guys ever have vanilla sex? I don’t think preferences are something you can work on but I feel like a different view of your sex lives might help you. Sex doesn’t have to be about domination and submission, for most people it probably isn’t. And while kinky sex is fine it doesn’t need to be the whole relationship and honestly at your young age it probably shouldn’t.
Maybe instead of arguing about who gets to be the submissive one you could focus on reconnecting as a couple? Sex should be about two people enjoying each others bodies. It’s about exploring each other and expressing your love I feel like it would help you two to make it about that more.
I know you’re 18 and probably hate hearing that but you two are awfully young to be stepping on each other I feel like sex has other things to offer that could help you find together again
It kind of sounds like this relationship has run its course– unless, of course, you guys are open to option 3, which would be just accepting having a relationship where sex isn’t playing much of a role at all, or NOBODY is being dominant nor submissive.
I don’t think you can change your preferences any more than he can.
Good Lord
This relationship feels over because this little boy blows. Where is all this happening? Do you live together? Aren’t you supposed to be hiding your sex from adults?
There are nice young boys who would be wonderful enough boyfriends but something knocked their sexual steering sideways and they have to ruin it. Like they got fixated on some porn they saw, usually it’s anal or choking or deep throating.
Or they are self closeted at the larval stage coming out as queer or trans and these growing pains cause them to be selfish.
You don’t have to participate in this.
It sounds like you’re both submissive in nature. So sounds like you both need a dominant partner in the mix somehow. Or find other partners.