This is probably going to end up sounding like rambling but I need to get some stuff off my chest and I can't afford a therapist lol. Any advice, encouragement, or insight is appreciated.
I'm 26M and just really started trying to date this year. I of course feel behind on experiences and such because of this but I had to deal with some side effects of childhood trauma before I felt ready to get out there and try. Once I did start dating, it came to me a lot easier than I expected, but I quickly realized there were a lot of things I wasn't aware of that it seemed like everyone else was already in the know about. I went in with the assumption that most people, after having a good first date and agreeing to a second, wanted to make an effort to get to know me and see where it went. After being ghosted a few times I got a feel for the modern dating climate.
I've been on about 10 dates this year with 5 different people (all through dating apps), 4 of which were with one person over the course of a month. This is mainly what I want to talk about. Obviously being the longest duration makes it stick more, but I can't stop thinking about her and how she showed me what I could start looking for in a person. It seemed perfect at the beginning. She kept asking to see me, showed affection, wanted to prolong dates, had so much in common, and treated me with respect both in person and through text communication (I used to let it slide when people would take a whole day or more to respond). She was also by far the most attractive person I've dated. I know I got ahead of myself, but I started picturing a future together and was planning to ask her to be my girlfriend when suddenly she got cold. Slower replies and not an ounce of affection shown in them, rarely to never texting first, etc. She agreed to what would be our last date but I wasn't looking forward to it because I knew what was coming. Nothing happened in person and she seemed normal the entire time, but when I texted her the next day she broke things off. That crushed me for a week or 2 but I got over it.
The thing, now, is that I don't feel like I'll ever find a connection like that again, and I think this experience is slightly inhibiting me from opening my mind to new people. I'm taking a break right now, which I think is the right call given my mindset, but I do want to eventually (soon) get back out there since I am approaching 27 in a couple months. I've become a bit cynical because it seems like no one wants to make an effort if they find one or two things about you that don't match their ideal preference. I could be wrong about that, but it especially stings when there's no closure (particularly ghosting). I can only guess what it was that made this girl break things off with me because all she said was that she couldn't feel the "chemistry," which I don't think is the real reason at all. She mentioned something about me being "nonchalant," which by definition I'm not by any means but I'm very laid back and find myself listening/reacting more than I talk ((sometimes)).
I'm working on becoming more active as I've always been a pretty big guy and never in great shape (currently 6'4 and 3XL but I put effort into grooming/dress), reading more, going outside more, applying for better jobs, and trying to spend more time with friends/talking about their hobbies. Appearance aside, most of my life and hobbies revolve around music and being Christian; never been into watching sports but I enjoy playing basketball when given the opportunity and attending games for just about any sport in person.
I know life isn't a race and I've had to keep telling myself that, but it's hard not to compare myself to all my friends who have relationships and are getting married while I have never even had one. Is there anything else I could be doing to better myself while I take a break from dating? Anything that has really worked for you guys in the past? I can answer any other questions as well as there are obviously factors I didn't cover here. If you read this far you're a trooper, I appreciate it lol