Sorry for the long post

Body:
I’m feeling really drained and hurt right now, and I don’t know how to handle this anymore.

A while ago, my boyfriend did something that caused me health-related issues. The first time it happened, he acted completely aloof and defensive when I brought it up — almost like he didn’t want to acknowledge it or felt attacked. The next day, he apologized and promised to be more careful, and for a while, he actually was.

But then it happened again.

This time, when I got rightfully upset because it directly affects my health, he again acted aloof and defensive. I was hoping he would come over to my place, talk it through, and try to make things right — but instead, he just went to watch a movie we had planned together.

The movie (Demon Slayer) meant a lot to him; he’d been waiting to see it for ages. So I thought, maybe I should still go, even though I was hurt, because I knew how important it was to him. But at the theater, he barely spoke to me or made an effort to fix things.

I ended up leaving midway, making up an excuse. Later that night, I told him how hurt I was — that he didn’t even try to comfort me or come over to talk, and instead just went about his plans like nothing happened.

That’s when we got into a huge argument, and he started saying the same things he always says:

  • That he’s “subpar.”
  • That I “deserve better.”
  • That I should just leave him.

It feels like a loop:
He causes harm → I get hurt → he gets defensive → later he apologizes → promises to change → and then it happens again.

I’m so tired of this cycle. It’s not just the physical impact anymore — it’s also the emotional exhaustion of feeling like my pain isn’t taken seriously.

I don’t know how to break this pattern or if I even should. Has anyone been through something like this? Can someone who constantly repeats this behavior ever really change?

TL;DR: My boyfriend (26M) keeps doing something that causes me health issues. The first time, he got defensive, then apologized the next day and promised to change. He did for a while, but then it happened again. When I got upset, he stayed aloof and still went to a movie we’d planned instead of talking it out. Later, he said the same things he always does — that he’s “subpar” and I “deserve better.” I’m exhausted by this cycle of harm, apology, and repeat, and I don’t know what to do anymore.


12 comments

  1. I feel like we need a little more context, what is it he does that causes your health issues? Is it intentional, unintentional?

  2. Just leave him. It’s one thing to have some issue in a relationship, it’s another to completely disregard your partner’s health and try to manipulate them into never bringing the issue up. The whole “I’m horrible” thing is a manipulation tactic, meant to make you feel bad enough to stop acknowledging his faults, cause look how bad he feels when you do, except if he actually felt bad he would change.

  4. I can relate it more than several. I’m 30 and She’s 25-26.
    Almost felt like I’m reading my story.

  5. What you describe sounds like a coercive abuse cycle. You might find the website Out of the Fog and the Crappy Childhood Fairy website helpful.

  7. Well known abuse loop. What’s it going to take for you to leave this relationship and move on? The guy is clearly harming you and what is the reason you want to keep letting him abuse you? Leave town and start a new life where he can’t find you. The best is yet to come but not with him.

  10. Have you heard of non violent communication? It’s just a way of speaking to someone so they don’t get defensive.
    Have to understand that you have to take every little win that’s progress. Don’t expect perfection immediately.

    I’m not sure if this is abuse or narcissism. This is such little context to even tell that it is and people that are claiming that it’s either or out of their heads. I think just try observing the way you communicate with him and look up nonviolent communication so you guys can better work out a solution. This sounds like something you both can work on and move forward in the relationship. Remember “us” versus a “problem.” Not “you” versus “him.”

    Edit: also, he’s 26. His brain developed just last year. You are 30 years old, so he still needs some emotional growing to do. But that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible.

  12. I work in health care and don’t know of a treatment for a fungal infection that is chronic. Once identified the treatment should be effective and immediate in terms of improvement. You sound angry and scorned and seem to be looking for validation to leave even tho you clearly aren’t happy. One thing that stood out to me was that you said you knew how much this movie meant to him. You went anyway, and blew the experience up by leaving half way thru. That seems pretty petty considering you said yourself you knew how much it meant to him lol. Also, a yeast infection doesn’t necessarily mean he was the one responsible for you getting it. There’s way too much unknown or indirect to make a sense of this but you should seek a counselor

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