To start off, I'm autistic. I didn't start working on my social skills until my twenties, and making friends is still difficult for me to this day. I had a few flirtations in college, but none came close to being a proper relationship. I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 26. The pandemic hit a few months after I started grad school, so I didn't even try to date for about two years. I've tried all the dating apps, but with no success.
I'm afraid that I've missed my chance to have normal romantic relationships, like I've devoted so much time and energy to teaching myself how to function, that I won't be able to make space for a wife or girlfriend.
I deal with emotional situations by making myself shut down, because if I don't, I'll start yelling. What if I get in an argument with my partner and scream at her just to make her leave me alone? My dad verbally amused my mom my entire childhood, and I don't want to put some poor girl through the same thing my mom went through.
Last year, I was so severely depressed that I checked myself into a psych ward. I've been on Prozac for nine months, but still have depressive episodes. I also have ADHD and anxiety, both of which are lifelong conditions, just like depression. I've heard so many stories of people who had to take care of partners or family members with disabilities, and it just looks like such a miserable way to live. The last thing I want is for the person I love to have to rearrange their entire life around me.
I would like to experience some intimacy. I would like to know how it feels to be loved by someone other than my parents or siblings, but not if it means being a burden on them.
1 comment
First off, kudos for all that work you’ve put into yourself. Also, it’s really great that you’re aware of the potential for history to repeat itself and are taking steps to prevent that. But recognizing that you may not be ready for a relationship just yet isn’t the same as having to resign yourself to never being ready.
Never yelling doesn’t prevent the possibility for emotional abuse. In fact, stony silence can be even harder on a vulnerable new mom or small child than a brief, loud, expression of frustration. The key is to speak with kindness and respect, regardless of your emotional state. Everyone says things they shouldn’t now and again. You aren’t automatically abusive just because you’re not perfect. It’s more of a range than a fine line. Give yourself grace, even while you stay on guard. If you haven’t already, look into anger management classes, or even therapy to help you find healthy and sustainable ways to deal with anger or frustration when it inevitably comes.
Instead of dating apps, which can be tough for everyone, look into local hiking groups or a cooking class. Bonding over a common interest provides conversation topics beyond small talk, which I often find painful, and offers repeated opportunities to casually interact and allow something genuine to build. Taking the pressure off of yourself will also make you seem more approachable. A man being intense (even if it’s just anxiety) can be intimidating.