Great family situation. No complaints there. But sex only comes once/month. We've had more discussions than I can count, I've been patient, we went to couples therapy… And nothing changed, it's going on 2 years from when I 1st told her we need help. We are opposite to most male-female situations. I enjoy sex frequently and it takes me 30-45 min before I'm ready to finish. She's usually done very very quickly, and is ok without sex for long durations of time. I'm struggling because I don't want to "mess up the family" but I can't help but think divorce is the solution any more.
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A family law attorney friend once told me that the reason divorces are so expensive is because they are worth it.
No kids? Bounce. (Edit: You can be kind about it, no need to be an a-hole if the only problem was her lack of sex drive – just say that you aren’t happy and want you both to find happiness and that you should separate amicably)
I stayed in a sexless marriage for about 10 years too long, but had kids so in a way it was worth it. But if I hadn’t had kids??? Nope.
Life is too short to be unhappy. Pursue happiness.
Yes, it was worth it. I have sex much more often now and it is with the person who is my everything. But then I didn’t have a kid with my first wife as I figured that if marriage and living with each other didn’t change anything, having a kid certainly wouldn’t.
Has it always been this way or is it just in the last few years?
If it’s recent has she talked with a doctor about it? Could be something medical that makes it uncomfortable or less pleasurable and she doesn’t want to talk about it with you.
My friend (F) just went through the same thing with her husband. His solution was to have an affair with her best friend and blame her for everything while getting caught for everything he said about her like he doesn’t like her body, wishes she lost weight etc all while saying he’s too attractive to her (the wife). Just contradicting remarks from a coward that was too comfortable abandoning his pregnant wife and 1 year old to go fuck her best friend but still have the audacity to say he’s too attractive cares about her and his kids.
Don’t be that guy. If you want to end the marriage, just be straightforward and hope it doesn’t get messy.
Don’t really think there’s enough here to give advice about if you should get divorced or not – has it always been this way? Does she enjoy sex? Have you looked at other areas of the relationship that could be effecting her mood for it? Could she be asexual or suffering depression etc?
Also 2 years from having a baby might seem like a lot, but keep in mind that it takes about that long just for a woman’s body to fully return to normal, plus all the stress of a newborn, sleep deprivation, being touched out etc.
I’m not sure what came up in therapy so it’s hard to say.
And I say all of this with love as someone who is 2.5 years without sex full stop, let alone once a month. I’m still here because I love my wife and family and sex is not important enough for me to give up on that (and yes I’m a very high libido person)- not saying that everyone needs to feel the same way.
My friend divorced his wife because of their sexless marriage.
After three years of fruitless dating on his part, he’s discovered that she just didn’t want to sleep with him.
Yep, totally worth it. My ex was the type that would use sex as a tool in marriage. Divorced her ( many reasons beyond the sex thing) and remarried, never been happier.
We do have kids together and not going to lie, it has been a process for them. Counseling and time, they’re doing pretty good now.
Co-parenting kind of sucks ass if you are not on the same page, but I make it work.
Discuss this with her you can come with a middle ground.
Or if you can afford it go together to a sex therapist
That isn’t why we got divorced, but it was certainly a driver in the spiral of our marriage, and it absolutely did a number on my self confidence. Finding somebody that desires you again is amazing.
This isn’t an issue for me, but I love my wife immensely. If our sex life died, I can’t imagine that love would fade. I’d deal with it for her because she’s an amazing partner and a sound ally through life. Having that person that truly understands you and has supported me at my absolute lowest would be an absolute challenge to give up just because we’re banging it out less. Maybe it’s just me, but there’s more to this than that. We also do not have kids, or any desire to have them.
I was in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. We finally divorced. We had three daughters but only one at home. I was single for about three years then began to yearn for Intimacy – both physical and emotional. I met my current wife and we’ve been incredibly happy for over 20 years. And, even though I’m 75 and she’s 71, the Sex is great.
Why doesn’t your wife want to have sex with you?
God I would’ve *killed* for 1/mo. I was down to 1/yr, and yes, the divorce was worth it.
Find someone who’s attracted to you and wants you as much as you want them. Life is *so much better* on the other side.
If the dynamic is otherwise really happy, then it might be worth the discussion of opening up the marriage, but of course that’s it’s own can of worms.
Long version?
Well, the complicated part is we had two kids, at the time we split in 2023, my youngest was 8 and oldest almost 11. The split was mostly amicable, neither of us wanted a nasty divorce, as neither of us had really wronged the other in anyway. We just weren’t compatible sexually, intellectually, or even recreationally. We made a good team for raising kids, and we picked each other based on almost exclusively that desire to have kids.
Fast forward to today, I have a wonderful girlfriend with whom I actually get to share my life with. We have mostly the same hobbies going to Comic Cons and Renaissance Faires, have profound intellectual conversations, have extremely similar healthy diet and exercise regiments, play the exact same video games, and very importantly have sex drives so similar that it’s kinda eerie. As for my kids, my ex and I exchange them every week. Granted, I make significantly more money than my ex, so I pay her child support, but otherwise my mental health has improved, my physical health has improved, and after settling all the debts and selling my house *(split 50/50)* my financials are better than ever *(never in my life expected to have a credit score above 800)*.
Short Version?
Divorce while you still actually care about each other and haven’t become resentful, bitter, hateful, nor done anything to damage the trust of the relationship with each other. Divorces are only as ugly as the relationship already was.
Maybe it takes too long for her? 30-45 minutes sounds like quite a long time
I signed up for monogamy not abstinence
You re not alone:
r/DeadBedrooms and r/DeadBedroomsMD may be of some help.
Yes, it is 100 pct worth it.
Divorced at 40 with two kids. She continually belittled my sex drive, efforts to get and stay healthy.
Took a couple years and dated around. Found out that what I wanted was actually in demand.
Found someone who also thought that compatible sex drives and desires was a top priority. We are married, I have custody of the kids. Life is a lot better now.
This is a really basic question, but how do you initiate with your wife? I feel like that’s a big aspect of these types of deficiencies.
If you told her, say tonight, “hey I’m really turned on and want you tonight,” would she straight up reject you? Or are you just kind of waiting for things to happen organically and they aren’t?
I feel like if I give my wife a heads up that that’s what I’m thinking, she has time to mentally process and get in the headspace for sex. Could not be your situation at all.
I’m a woman who divorced because of a sexless marriage. There is a very particular type of slap in the face that came with my husband locking himself in MY home office to watch p*** while I was alone. And yes it has completely been worth it to me.
I’m single and you have sex far more frequently than I do, so make of that what you will.
INFO: are you asking for peen in vag intercourse for 30-45 min durations? If so, there’s a good chance that just cannot work for her physically with the frequency you want. My wife and I take quite a long time together so our full sex sessions are less frequent, but our intimacy is daily because it’s easy for us both to do physically.
Sometimes couples get hung up on sex looking like one particular thing (PIV until guy comes) and counting only the one type of sex as a valid sexy time. There are a million and one sex acts and variations. This is often why sex therapists will tell a couple to take PIV off the table completely while they rebuild their intimate life. There are many reasons for this, too complex to summarize in a reddit comment.
So if you don’t want to otherwise leave your wife, start learning about the other 99 thousand things and talk about them with her.
if she has no interest in discussing or practicing daily intimacy (not PIV but just daily sexual connection) then there is a bigger set of issues you both need to be brave enough to drag into the sunlight. That very well might be what’s needed, and if y’all are willing to keep talking and trying different things you will eventually work things out.
where things break down is if one person does not want to engage in the process at all. this might be the guy saying well if ai can’t have PIV in the frequency i want I’m nit interested, or it might be the partner saying just leave me alone. Not much to be done but divorce in that case.
Careful of confirmation bias OP. You’re not going to hear from lonely dudes that blew up their family life and still aren’t getting any, or the drunken hookup app sex is less fulfilling than being a good dad to their kids.