Hi all,

I’m in a tough spot and need some perspective.

Context:
I (M, recently unemployed) live with my girlfriend (F, ~120k salary). She’s financially stable and could easily afford to prioritize safety/comfort over small savings, but she’s very fixated on saving every dollar. For example, she insists on public transport or Uber Pool even though it sometimes feels unsafe, while I’d prefer she just use regular Uber. She even wants me to help her buy a car (though she once crashed mine while parking).

The incident:
We were folding clothes and talking about her commute. She was ranting about saving money and mentioned seeing someone with a torn ear on the bus, which scared me. I suggested she stop using public transport altogether, but she resisted. I got annoyed, and in the middle of folding, I tossed a piece of clothing in her direction (not intending to hurt her). It accidentally hit her forehead and eye.

I didn’t realize right away and kept folding, but she suddenly got furious and started physically hitting me. I reacted by pushing her and hitting her on the back, telling her to stop. She then escalated—shouting, throwing things, trying to hurt me more. Eventually, she curled up in bed crying and accusing me of “physically abusing” her.

I tried to explain calmly that it wasn’t intentional, apologized, and pointed out that she deliberately tried to hurt me in return. She dismissed this, called me manipulative, and even said that if I can hit her with clothes now, maybe one day I’ll stab her with a knife.

This isn’t the first time:

  • Once she forced a hug when I didn’t want to, and I pushed her away. Because of how her head was leaning, my hand brushed near her neck. She immediately screamed that I was choking her and “abusing” her.
  • Another time, after a fight, I went out for a drive. She left at 10 PM and went to her office without telling me, only calling at 5 AM to say she’d been there all night.

Whenever I try to reason with her, she either shuts down completely (silent, zombie-like), cries, or escalates into shouting. The only time she backs down is when I mention telling my parents about her behavior.

My problem:
I’m already under huge stress—I lost my job a month ago, and now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells at home. I like her, she’s smart, has integrity, but these incidents feel manipulative and childish. I don’t understand how disagreements keep turning into her accusing me of abuse when I genuinely don’t intend to hurt her.

Am I missing something here? Is this just incompatibility? Or is this toxic/manipulative behavior?


5 comments

  1. Yeah, when relationships get strained the bandwidth you have gets significantly smaller. This might be just how it is, but what I’ll say is it takes two to tango and you both seem like you were horrible in this situation. Thats life.

    Crying over folded clothes is wild, but the severity of the argument matters. Her hitting you isn’t right either, but you were unresponsive. All these things just spiral and are bad.

  3. Doesn’t sound enjoyable for either of you. Aside from sharing a place, what’s keeping you in the relationship? It seems like the resentment and unresolved issues are piling up on both sides.

  4. You guys are physically abusing one another. You need to move apart before it escalates into something you don’t want. It sounds to me that foundationally you don’t see eye to eye, and just from reading your writing about her, you sound controlling.

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