I am 20F. I have issues making friends. I used to complain about not making friends but came to realize the problem resides within me. I never opened up to others when they don't fit the ideal person in my head I can open up to. I never gave people a chance to speak with me.
In public, I would always be closed off and I would not look anyone in the eye. I would not share my interests with them.
However, I still have issues trying to find someone that will understand and tolerate me. I know not everyone will understand every side of you, but I'm trying to find people who can tolerate me. I just feel so lonely and I know it's my fault. I always have this fear, the fear of sharing parts of myself only to be shamed or not being taken seriously. Adding onto that, my own insecurities take over. This is why I am unable to form any in real life connection.
Also, in real life, I just have a harder time connecting to others because all they talk about are serious things. I mean I should be interested right? I'm an adult and I should relate to them. Yet, I don't seem to have the patience to care enough unless it's one on my interest or something that I can relate to that they're talking about. I idealize things too much and I am too picky with people.
I have made a guy friend before, which I connected with because of my interest, but he ends up developing feelings for me. I refused and we could've stayed friends but I got scared and ran away. I also have made a few in person connections, but it's more on the shallow side because I have a really hard time opening up.
How can I fix this?