Dating a bisexual girl who is very ‘expressive’ with her friends. Where is the line drawn?

48 comments

1. My rule is, if you can do those things so can I.

2. Eh, being comfortable being temporarily naked in front of your friends is a pretty standard part of a lot of female friendships, sexuality notwithstanding.

   Taking baths together? Yeah, no. I too am a bisexual woman with predominantly bisexual friends and we joke, but bathing together is a literal relationship-level activity.

3. I dunno man it’s up to you really

4. She is perfect for someone. That someone is apparently not you.

5. You draw the line what you find acceptable in the relationship and break it off if she is doing things that you don’t find acceptable.

   Don’t try to control her.

   I wouldn’t date a someone like that.

6. It’s as “Okay” as you feel it is. If you are uncomfortable with it, I’d bring it up.

7. She’s basically cheating on you openly, unless she’s happy with you being naked and taking baths with your girl friends. There is no difference.

8. Looks like that’s the package you’ve signed up for, so it’s over to you to decide where your boundary is and leave if you don’t like what you see.

   She’s not going to change her ways for you, nor should she. If this were new behaviour then sure, you’d have a case – but the bathing, pillow fights and likely scissoring is gonna continue with or without you in the picture.

9. leave, his isnt for you

10. Everyone is different with different levels of acceptance. If you’re chill about this sort of thing that’s cool. Otherwise, it wasn’t meant to be. Go find greener pastures. 

11. This is one of those, “Enjoy the ride” situations. Date her as long as you want to. Let her do what she wants and move on when you want to

12. it’s probably fine and dandy, just friends being friends and all that, but personally i bail out of shit like that. managing people with no boundaries is a pain in the ass cos they’re constantly crossing yours then thinking it’s your problem when you express the idea the behavior ain’t going anywhere good and it needs to stop. it’s no secret women are on the constant hunt for validation but some take it a bit far, and it just leaves you in a shitty position of both playing the adult to keep a lid on things and the child cos you feel like a fucking idiot for running around saying shit like ‘i know you’re bi and all but can you stop pretending kissing girls at the bar isn’t cheating, it in fact makes it worse’.

    lot of work and a lot of headache, no denying they’re fun for a bit but by fuck it gets exhausting having ‘put the toilet seat down it’s disrespectful’ and ‘we’re just fooling around, mind your business. it’s not disrespect you just got a bug up your ass’ in the same conversation.

13. How long have y’all been dating? If not long, she’ll probably choose her friends over you. So you need to figure out what you’re comfortable with. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this if we were serious and exclusive. If we weren’t, I’d just large it to the game and enjoy what I can until we go our separate ways.

    NGL I’d see about a threesome or whatever freaky thing I’ve always wanted to try but keep it casual.

14. I’d draw the line at the same place I would if her friends were guys. Her and I wouldn’t be compatible.

15. I’m bisexual too. I had a talk with my boyfriend recently and we discussed about boundaries as I want to respect him in any possible way. I also ask him reassurance sometimes.

    I have made some bisexual friends and sometimes we joke about sex and stuff, like fuck me!! And so on.

    It’s a joke, I would never do that and I think I wouldn’t even be capable myself of doing it even if I was 100% sure of not being caught as I love him deeply.

    Anyway, I asked him if that made him uncomfortable and he said no and that he’s perfectly okay with it.

    These are our boundaries.

    You should discuss this with your gf too, if she doesn’t understand it then you have to consider leaving her.

16. Cheating is cheating no matter the gender. If you wouldn’t be okay with her doing it with a guy you know the line then.

17. No way bro this is a double standard unless you are allowed to do it. Bisexual means these are potential partners. But even if they aren’t if they are hooking up and your relationship isn’t open then it goes against likely what is ok

18. My ex did this and used the same excuse. Later I found out she was doing it with dudes too, more specifically my best friend. I’d say read the room and bail.

19. As a bisexual man that would be out of my boundaries for me. Maybe i’m too possessive or jealous but i probably wouldn’t help but wonder if there was something more than simple friendship between them. I definitely wouldn’t do that with my friend, regardless of their gender or sexuality, if i was in a relationship.

20. Wherever you want to draw the line. Then she can decide

21. Breh she’s cheating on you. Think of any normal relationship, then think if the woman went and had naked baths with another dude and said shes just really comfortable with her friends. Its the same thing lol

22. Just ask where she would draw the line if you were doing that, and see if it’s the same line you have.

23. You should be able to trust her to respect boundaries around physical intimacy. (Note I did not say sexual intimacy or nudity.)

    You should trust each other to set boundaries that respect the differences in personality and experience you both have.

    I don’t think your boundaries (or hers) are unreasonable but they may be incompatible with dating her. Not everyone is wired the same.

24. “Do girly things like have baths together and be naked in front of each other.”

    Bruh. 

25. It’s up to you two to decide together. I don’t think it’s very common for female friends to bath together. Seems like a red flag to me. Kind of like male friends “going hunting” and “aren’t gay” but just like making out or whatever.

    Basically, when you talk about it with her she will have to decide if it’s a behavior she’s willing to pass up on and if not, you will have to decide if you can handle her doing it and trust her from then on. Only move forward if you both are trully comfortable. No holding it over each other later. If you’re gonna do that you might as well end it now.

26. If you think you’re not okay with it, you prob arent okay with it. Best to figure out where you draw the line and what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. Assume she is not going to change. Are you okay with that?

27. She’s not your wife, she’s just a girl you’re dating. I would caution against any notion of what you think she should or shouldn’t be doing. This is who she is. Either work towards a threesome or find a different girlfriend, but don’t try to tell her what to do. If you do it’s just gonna backfire on you. Speaking from experience.

28. We cant tell you that its ok. Only you can tell yourself that. But it nedds to be coming from introspection not pressure to conform to a relationship you think needs others approval. If yours and her preception of what a healthy normal relationship dont mesh you both need to talk about it and not brush off the others arguments for or against youe actions. And if at the end of the discussion both of you cant decide what a healthy relationship is that supports the both of you and meets your individual needs. That relationship will only turn toxic leaving your alone and hurt when it eventually all falls apart.

29. Have baths together? Dude that’s basically cheating to me considering their sexuality lmao. Talking about where is the line drawn…

30. I’m assuming that the thing you can’t wrap your head around is being naked with somebody for an extended period of time and not having sex with them. And that’s a fine way to move through the world. But not everybody does.

    Here are some additional comments:

    1. If you’re uncomfortable with this, talk to your girlfriend about it. If you become comfortable with it, cool! If you don’t, it’s probably best if you ended the relationship.
    2. Being nude around friends is perfectly fine, but it’s more of a general cultural thing. I have many friends who have seen me nude and I have spent a lot of time with them when they/we are all nude. I ALSO have friends from parts of the world that are barely comfortable being naked alone in the shower, or even with their spouse. With a group of people is unimaginable to them. I don’t get naked around them. It’s possible that you’re from more of a group 2 situation, and in that case, it would be strange for you to hang out nude with “one of your female friends.”
    3. The way you phrase your second paragraph feels like you’re spoiling for a fight. If you want to have a conversation around what the expectations are in your relationship, you’re gonna want to workshop that phrasing, boss.
    4. If you want to do a vibe check, find a “clothing optional” beach, non-sex club bathhouse, or hot spring in your area and invite your girlfriend and a blend of male/female friends to go. Now everybody can be nude in a neutral place and you can all hang out.
    5. People from different cultural backgrounds can still have a trusting and fulfilling relationship. For example, my wife grew up in a Dutch Reformist community in Northern Iowa. The concept of being nude with strangers for an extended period of time is literally beyond the scope of her understanding of the human experience. Or, at least it was when we met. I, on the other hand have been swimming and relaxing nude since I was a child. Clothing optional signs? I’m nude. Obviously, I read the room. But, y’know, clothes suck, my guy! (Except for when they’re great.) She expressed to me that it made her uncomfortable if I was nude with people and she wasn’t there. I wasn’t having nudes bath-parties on the regular at my personal residence, so that wasn’t an issue for me. She also usually went with me to places where I wanted to be nude, so no big deal. If you have that conversation and say you’re not comfortable with her being nude if you’re not around, how do you feel about addressing the response, “oh! I didn’t know you felt that way. Are you available next Thursday? We’re getting together around 7:30.”

31. If you’re having issues with this. She’s probably not for you.

32. Why don’t you try and do the same with your female friends and see how she reacts.

33. Just say “I feel uncomfortable with you bathing naked with people who you may be sexually aroused by or who may be sexually aroused by you”. If it’s meant to be, she’ll understand. If not, maybe you guys are not a good fit for each other.

34. >do girly things like have baths together and be completely naked infront of each other

    If this is genuine, then you should know that this makes it feel fake.

    If it’s fake, try being a bit more subtle next time you do creative writing, I guess?

35. The line is drawn at a point you’re comfortable with. You’re clearly not comfortable with what she’s doing, so there’s your answer.

36. Dating/marriage advice. You shouldn’t be with someone that you are trying to change. You change for them.

37. It sounds like you aren’t comfortable with it, which means this isn’t gonna work out. You either figure it out, fast, or you break it off. The only thing you can’t ask her to do is change her behaviour for you.

38. I write this with much respect OP; I’ve been in situations like this. It’s not your job to govern her lifestyle or for her to appease to your ideologies and vice versa. If you want to save yourself the mental burden of overthinking, which your posts suggests, then find someone else who suits your criteria/lifestyle, you’ll save yourself the stress.

39. Bro just save yourself the fucking trouble and bail. That headache is not worth it

40. Time to move on if it’s not something they cant find a middle ground on.

    We all have friends, I wouldn’t bath or shower with any one of my friends. If you wouldn’t do it with your adult sibling then why do it with friends.

41. What I hear is you feel like it’s cheating. I highly doubt they all get together for a bath and nakeytime without friendly benefits. I see your point. If she doesn’t agree, you’re at an impasse. You need to talk honesty, set some boundaries, or go your separate ways.

42. I had this run in with my wife when we first started dating. She would kiss the girls at the club she worked with and her excuse was, “its girls its a show for you.” I told her that since she had girlfriends in the past I had a problem with it. Finally just took a moment of jealousy from her that made her realize, okay, I love this man, I understand. Just have a discussion with her and be honest. Most women don’t understand, that men aren’t interested in watching their partners getting sexual with another girl.

43. The line is drawn wherever you want, son.

    The deal is it don’t mean she’s gonna stop doing shit. It means you have to be willing to walk away and move on with your life.

    And, if you ain’t gonna do that, sit down and be quiet.

44. It is okay for friends to be comfortable changing in the same room or if required but if they’re spending their entire time naked, it is weird. As a pansexual woman, I did not do anything with a woman that I wouldn’t with a man in my last relationship. “It’s not cheating if it’s a girl” is fun and games until you know that she’s actually, consciously cheating, not experimenting. I am definitely NOT implying that she is disloyal to you. She probably might just be hanging around with her friends like that but I have friends from the community and I wouldn’t. All friend groups are different. At the end of the day, you have to trust her, I guess. That’s how relationships are built. You can tell her that it bothers you. You can tell her that it is because you’re an ally and you feel uncomfortable by her being naked around women the same way that you’d do if she was naked around men. If I had a bisexual man, I’d tell him the same thing. Communicate how you feel and trust her with her answer. If you really cannot trust her, you might need to rethink things in the other direction.

45. I won’t mince words, OP. It’s the exact same as if you were platonically tipsy and nude with your tipsy and nude women friends. When you’re in a relationship, it can’t be naturally assumed this behavior is okay without talking about whether everyone’s cool with it, and if there aren’t two yeses, it’s a no.

46. If I was in your shoes I would have a good conversation with her about my boundaries and hers, trying to gauge where they’re at.

    Then express my concern and tell her that it’s crossing my boundaries to a level where it is concerning me and I’m uncomfortable with it.

    This can go multiple ways.

    She could for example try to understand your perspective and in the hopes of a better relationship, make you more comfortable. Which is good and shows she wants a future with you instead of bath time with the girls.

    She could get defensive and dismissive of your concerns and feelings, which tells you the opposite and is really unhealthy.

    She could also acknowledge that this is a step too far, and she would want to keep bath time because it means more to her than your comfort and peace of mind.

    Just remember that her feelings on this are also valid. You are asking her to compromise. Do with this info what you want.

    Ultimately I’d say look out for you. If her answer to your concerns is to be dismissive of your feelings, I would break it off to prevent a worse future heartbreak and a lot of stress.

    Your feelings matter. Just keep it gentle and non-accusatory.

47. What are you comfortable with? What other people think doesn’t matter.

    The fact she takes baths with her friends, that isn’t inherently wrong or cheating or anything. It’s the crossing of boundaries that pushes it into that realm. 

    You need to have a conversation with her about your boundaries (if this is one) And she will either be willing to make changes and compromise or she won’t. And depending on how that conversation goes will determine how compatible you are as a couple. 

48. The line is drawn where you start to get uncomfortable and talk to her. If she insist in letting you uncomfortable for not wanting to change, it means she values more how she acts than how this makes you feel about her, and it is a major redflag.

    I, i.e. would never date a woman that engages in such activities, even if she’s heterossexual