I’ve been dating my partner for 2 years. My partner suffers from ADHD. It’s currently undiagnosed due to the fact that getting a diagnosis (and so medication) takes years. You can go private and get the medication but it’s expensive and she can’t afford it. My partner is truly a wonderful person. She’s extremely kind and giving and we get on well. I also think she complements me well, what I lack, she excels in, and vice versa. Dating someone new is always a learning experience and I have learnt that there are some characteristics I didn’t know before I started dating my current partner that are extremely important to me. I have what I would describe as a high level of discipline and drive. My partners ADHD presents as the antithesis of these traits. Now, I don’t really need a partner to match my level per se but there’s a minimum level that I want my partner to have and at times I really question her drive and motivation to better herself. There are times where I’ll get more done in a day than she will get done in a week and it can be frustrating.
We didn’t live in the same city when we first started dating (she was finishing up her studies). We had met on a dating app and she had her city set to mine. I told her I didn’t want to make it serious unless she came back to the city we originally met in because I didn’t want to do long distance (this part becomes relevant). She said that she’d most likely end up moving back, and she did. She was living with a family member for a about a year or so but she was told in March she’d have to move out end of August because family member wanted to rent the room out. 6 months notice isn’t the worst, but it also wasn’t ideal. The job market isn’t the greatest here, but 6 months to find a job, save up some money to get rent I don’t think is impossible. If this was me (and this is what I suggested she do) was to apply for jobs constantly, in anything. Retail, customer service, work at a hospital – just get a job so you can move out and pay rent etc. Because moving back home in my eyes would be the worst. If you did get a job in the city while living at home, you’d have to commute until you found a place, and depending on where the job is located that commute would be expensive and take 2h+ ONE way. While applying for these survival jobs, I said she should also apply for jobs in her desired fields which is in the arts. I didn’t want it to seem like I was telling her to abandon her dreams, but focus on survival for now.
She didn’t really take my advice. I asked her around the start of August how many jobs she had applied too and her reply was “less than 10”. I kind of lost it then and told her none of this made sense to me. I’m constantly working hard to better both our lives, why isn’t she doing the same etc. She then told me how her mental health wasn’t great and that she felt that anytime she got a rejection email it would make her feel worse. I then felt bad and told her maybe going home for a bit would be better for her. I can understand why she didn’t apply for many jobs if her mental health wasn’t great, but I’m also not happy or feeling satisfied in this relationship. I look at my friends and I feel jealous. One of my friends is going to propose to his girlfriend next year, some are already married. They’re settling down, moving in with each other, putting down roots etc. I want these things, and I know my partner does as well but I feel like I’m actively trying to get there and she’s isn’t.
I’ve told her in the past how I’ve felt and the conversation always kind of goes the same. She talks about her mental health and the situation she’s in and how she’s trying to do better and the things she’s doing to improve her mental health. Honestly right now they feel like that 2am pep talk you give yourself about how you’re gonna wake up super early, eat healthy, and go to the gym. But then you wake up at 2pm, order an XL McDonalds meal and watch Netflix all day. Right now, we don’t really argue about it anymore because in my head, I think I’ve said everything I can, as nicely as I can. I feel stuck. I think about the future would look like with her, and if she sorts everything out I know I’d be really happy, but if she didn’t I know I’d be sad. I was at a wedding a couple months ago and I saw some guys I knew from school. One was an accountant, doing well for himself. The other was a guy you’d describe as a class clown. He wasn’t an idiot at all, just cared more about having fun and making people laugh. I was speaking to him about his life and he was talking about how he never really applied himself and his decision paralysis and inability to make important choices got him in a position where he’s kind of doing nothing with his life. I could spot many similarities with him and my partner and it just made me think. This post is quite negative because as I write this, I’m a little upset. I really like her and the thought of breaking up upsets me, but then I think about how difficult everything will be if she doesn’t change, or if she even can change? Is it the ADHD or is this just who she is? Am I just being a terrible person, have I not supported her in the right way? These are the questions I ask myself and I don’t know anymore. I know she wants to change, but I’m unsure how to help?
TL;DR My partners ADHD conflicts heavily with my own personality and she hasn't done much to get it under control and not sure how to continue