TL;DR: Married 20+ years, now empty nesters. I crave affection and emotional closeness, but my wife says she has nothing more to give. She prefers TV and distance, while I feel rejected, unwanted, and like a guest in my own marriage. Not sure if I can accept this or if it means the end.
I’m in my 50s, married to my wife for over 20 years. We recently became empty nesters as our two kids moved out. I thought this would be the start of a new chapter for us, where we could rediscover each other. Instead, I feel lonelier than ever.
Last night, for example, I followed her to bed and asked if I could come in just for a hug. She said no, that she was too tired and about to turn off the light. She apologized right away, but the damage was done. I lay awake, crying quietly, remembering all the other times I’ve been rejected when I reached for closeness. It’s not about the hug itself—it’s about the pattern. Every time, I end up feeling unwanted and unlovable.
I’ve tried to tell her how important affection is to me, but she says she doesn’t have the energy. She works hard, she wants to relax in front of the TV in the evenings, and she often tells me I should “find a new hobby” or that I’m just going through “empty nest syndrome.” I don’t believe it’s only that. For me, it feels like an identity crisis—I’ve given so much of myself over the years, especially for our kids, and now I desperately want to reconnect with my wife.
The problem is that she doesn’t seem to share the same need. She’s never been very physically affectionate, and she admits she doesn’t really like hugging. When I ask her to do more things together, she suggests watching more TV (her go-to way to relax), or knitting while the TV is on. When I suggested we try a weekly date night, she said maybe, but then pointed out that it’s too expensive and impractical.
When it comes to intimacy, I’ve always been very giving. I put effort into making her feel good, and she tells me she appreciates that. But I can’t remember the last time I felt truly desired or swept away myself. It’s almost always on her terms, and I’m left with a feeling of emptiness afterward.
I’m tired of feeling like a guest in her life. I want to feel like a partner again. She tells me that she has nothing more to give emotionally, that this is simply who she is, and that I need to either accept it or move on. But I don’t know if I can accept it.
I still love her deeply. I miss falling asleep next to her, waking up next to her, feeling like we’re a team. Right now, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, waiting for her mood to shift, never sure if I’ll be met with closeness or rejection.
Has anyone else been through this? Is it possible to rebuild connection when one partner admits they don’t want or can’t give more? Or do I have to face that maybe this is the end of what I’ve been holding onto?