What do I do.. Husband (34M) keeps taking solo trips while I (29F) parent 2 kids at home

34 comments

1. Yeah you need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel.

2. I think he’s smart enough that he already understands but will continue to take advantage of you for as long as you let him. I don’t think the problem is him understanding the implications. There is an empathy and priority issue. I’d be questioning why he wants to spend so much time away from his very young family.

3. You need to explain to him that you are in a partnership and he is a parent. He isn’t a single guy that can just do whatever he wants.

4. I am sorry but you are the childcare and not the wife. Add up how many weeks this year alone he has gone on trips without you. Where is the want to be with you and the kids. “He tidies up while you put the kids to bed.” Why does he not put the kids to bed? You seem more of a baby machine than a partner. He may work a lot but look in the mirror. So do you. I have always recognized how much my wife put in while raising our kids. He needs to reconfigure his life before you say enough is enough.

5. He knows and doesn’t care. I’m sorry.

6. You literally said that you know that he knows that it’s wrong, and yet you’re still trying to “make him understand.”

   He understands. He understands that you will bear all the physical, emotional, and mental weight of parenthood and raising a family, and all he has to do is go to work; something he would have needed to do whether he was married with kids or not. Not to mention you working as well while you shoulder the burden of being everything to everyone.

   He gets to have all the benefits, privileges, and bragging rights of being a father and a “family man,” while also not taking on any of the real parental and partnership responsibilities. Having a wife and kids is a status symbol for him.

   It’s unfortunate that it took two kids and nearly ten years to realize that this man wants a wife and kids, but he does not want to be a husband and a father.

   You’re in a sticky situation. He doesn’t sound interested in making any changes to the status quo. So you have to decide what your boundaries are in this relationship and stick to them, or be prepared to carry the weight of this family for the rest of your life.

7. I don’t think there’s much chance of him “understanding” in any real way, because he gets a lot of relaxation and pleasure out of not understanding. I mean, this arrangement is totally working for him. He gets to enjoy the kids when they’re fun, and otherwise totally leave them to you. I would highly recommend that you tell him that there’ll be no more kids coming out of you. And you probably need to start strategizing an exit plan, like what you’re going to do for money, what lawyers you might want to speak to, get bank statements, etc – because this arrangement isn’t sustainable.

8. He understands he just doesn’t care enough to change. If he wanted to step up, he would’ve done it the one weekend you had plans. The fact that he chose his hobby instead of parenting shows you where his priorities are.

   The issue isn’t about making him “understand”, it’s about whether you’re willing to keep carrying the full load while he opts out. You can’t convince someone into caring, he either does or he doesn’t.
   The real question is what you want to do with that reality.

9. You need to have a conversation. It is not okay that you are parenting alone. Your job is raising the kids while he works. The rest of the time everytjing should be 50/50. You’re just single parenting at this point and having more kids will just be you single parenting even more kids. He needs to accept that having kids and marriage means he can’t keep ditching you with them. Everyone works so it is not an excuse for him to get to keep leaving for trips multiple times a year without you and the kids.

   Edit: also when things are planned for you to do stuff alone, he needs to understand his hobbies get to take a back burner seeing as he puts himself and his wants to do stuff first every other time.

10. You married a selfish man expecting him to change when kids entered the picture. Now that you know he doesn’t intend to change, what are you going to do about it? Accept the current situation or make plans to leave.

11. Call his bluff. Schedule several of your own 2 week trips. Tell him the same way he told you. See how he reacts. You will quickly be able to spot additional red flags. Then you can decide if this inequality is something you want to work on in couples therapy or not. If not- consider safety planning for leaving. The Mend has amazing resources and webinars that help address this kind of behavior.

12. Both partners should have equal amounts of rest whether working in or out of the home.

13. “I am fuming, but do not want to tell him not to go. I feel like he should know. It’s exhausting to watch both kids and I am still working on the side.”

    Humans are not mind readers.

    You need to tell him and advocate for yourself.

    Otherwise your silence will lead to more resentment.

14. How does this dude still want more kids when he’s barely spending time with the 2 he has? I’d be peeved.

    You just have to talk to him OP, really that’s it 🤷🏾‍♀️

15. I’ll never under why men want more of something that they hardly interact with. Especially when that “thing” is a whole human they helped create. 

16. I’m sorry.

    Personally, I’d tell him “no” to more kids as being a single parent currently is too hard and unless he invests time and energy into in the effing family he has made and not only himself the future of being a unit is not sustainable. Sorry, but he is a shit dad and husband.

17. He knows. He doesn’t care.

18. TELL HIM. It’s not rocket science or discussing nuclear disarmament with a rogue state.

    “Hey, you’re gone practically all the time and even if you’re here, you’re not an active husband or active father. What the f*ck gives, man? We’ve got two kids. You’re a parent first, globetrotter second.”

    Don’t assume he knows. Even if he does know, as long as you’re not telling him, you’re giving him consent by keeping silent. “Well, you never told me it bothered you, OP.”

    Should he know better? Yes. Does he feel he has you on lockdown because of the kids? Also yes. Is that screwed up? Yes again.

    At best, he sees you and the kids as trophies. At worst, he really, really doesn’t want to be around you or the kids and he wants to be single, chasing every skirt his eyes see. I’m Reddit jaded, so my money is on the 2nd option.

    I hope you have access to the bank accounts and not just a “shut her up allowance”. I’d start saving for an emergency fund, contact a lawyer and quietly come up with an escape plan. If he wants to be single, he can be single while paying child support through the most painful orifice on his body.

19. He’s taking these trips to get away from you & the kids.

    I’m sorry about your situation.

    Therapy & conversation will not help. That money is better spent on a part time nanny that can give you a break.

20. He is being an asshole but “I don’t want to tell him I’m mad, he should just know” because “I can tell he knows it’s wrong” is not an attitude that is going to get you what you want.

    You need to communicate directly and ask directly for what you want.

    “I want more equitable domestic labor. That means we go on the same number of trips without each other and with the spouse at home taking care of the kids. That means when I have a trip planned, you don’t suddenly decide to go to a less-important hobby event instead. That means you take care of our kids solo as often as I do. I do not want to have more children until our domestic labor is equitable and you are putting in as much effort into raising OUR children as I am.”

    If his answer is “I don’t want to do that,” well, when you divorce him he’ll have to figure it out, and you’ll get regular designated time to yourself with shared custody.

21. You should discuss fairness with him. He is going away for 2 weeks without children so you too have the right to 15 days without children even if it is 2 days here and 3 days there. He leaves for 10 days with his mother and well he goes with your eldest. I understand that you don’t want more children, it’s already heavy. You should leave your husband alone for a week with the children so that he can realize the real burden. But you should manage this with therapy if you are afraid. It’s time for you to clearly set your boundaries before you become nothing but contempt for him. Courage to you!

22. You’ve got to be less of a door mat. 10 day trip with his mom is insane.

23. I think you need to start advocating more strongly for your needs.

    > I am fuming, but do not want to tell him not to go. I feel like he should know

    Sure, he should – but he clearly doesn’t, so you need to communicate with him to get what you want. Tell him not to go. He’s been on enough trips and you have a baby at home. You need him there.

    > I also feel like he deserves a break. He works from home and it can be a lot.

    *He has had a break.* 3 of them in fact since January. He does not need to go on a boys’ trip when he’s already traveled multiple times this year and has another trip planned afterwards. He is not a single man, he’s a father of two young kids. You are allowed to remind him of that. You also work from home, for the record. Being a SAHM is work.

    > I don’t think he has ever spent a whole day alone with the kids.

    This needs to change. He would likely understand better what you deal with day-to-day if he had experience caring for his own children for more than a few hours at a time.

    > His solution is for me to go on a trip alone

    Great!

    > but I don’t want to.

    Girl. I understand it’s hard when you’re breastfeeding and they’re little, but you need to give him an opportunity to solo parent for both your and his sake. Plan another weekend away and tell him very clearly that he needs to parent the kids for that entire weekend. That it’s not just about you getting a break, but you trusting him to be in charge of his kids in your absence and him having a better awareness of how much goes into that. And do not pick up the phone to answer parenting questions, he can figure it out.

    His behavior is disgraceful but if you want it to change, you need to start demanding changes instead of just passively hoping they will happen.

24. > How do I make him understand?

    He’s doing these things on purpose. He understands. He just doesn’t care.

    My advice is to start taking your own last minute solo trips and let him deal with it.

25. Sadly OP, the issue isn’t trying to get him to understand. He already knows. He just doesn’t care enough about you to ensure you are supported by him. And if you get pregnant again, well you’ll be even more stuck with him and his appalling behaviour.

    He doesn’t see you as a life partner. More someone to raise his children and cook for him.

    If you book some time away for yourself I can guarantee he’ll sabotage it in some way. Or he’ll get someone to look after your children because he doesn’t want the responsibility of doing that himself.

    You will likely get more time for yourself if you divorce him. One less person to skivvy for and every other weekend free or similar.

    With a man like this your options are limited. You either accept he won’t change and get on with it. Or give him an ultimatum that you will leave if he doesn’t start acting like a partner (including couples counselling) – and be prepared to leave him if he refuses. Make sure you have all the financial info you need before giving any such ultimatum so he can’t hide things from you.

26. That’s insane. I have a small child of similar age, and I’ve had extreme guilt over leaving my wife alone with him just for 2 nights for a work trip. I can’t imagine going on *multiple* 10+ day long trips. That’s insanity.

    Your husband is completely clueless at best.

27. Start looking for a job. When you found a good one in a range babysitter talk to a good attorney.

28. He understands, he just doesn’t care.

29. It’s in his interest to not understand so he will continue to do so. He clearly knows this isn’t fair but there are no consequences

30. He knows. He just doesn’t care. And you’re letting him do it.

    Tell him you will take the same amount of days he takes and he will have to watch the children by himself while you are gone. And go. You deserve breaks too.

    Also he’s not doing 50% of the parenting outside his working hours. Stop accepting this.

31. Call his mom. Tell her either they take the kids or they cancel.

32. This isn’t about you having equal free time from kids, it’s about him having the stressful experience of both kids without you. If it was about equal time away you’d do the solo trips and not worry about who watches the kids, or, you’d both go on these trips and arrange a baby sitter.

    You can’t do that yet as you’re breastfeeding. Your options to move freely are more limited. However, when he goes, if he keeps going, there needs to be a support plan so you’re not solo parenting and holding down the fort alone. He needs to pay for that support, that’s equality. He also needs to reduce his trips, just because he’s not breastfeeding doesn’t mean he gets to move freely with children that young either, it’s a team effort. Having more kids with someone who isn’t interested in balance or therapy though isn’t a great idea.

33. It’s so nice and neat for him! He gets to have the family he always wanted and he has you to do ALL the heavy lifting of family responsibilities & obligations. But then he also gets to be the fun single guy with hobbies and extensive vacations and a nice little wifey to hold the fort down!! Someone needs to explain to this man that all decisions when you’re married need to be made as a team & for the team… he’s not single anymore…

34. You said you don’t want to tell him not to go. You need to tell him how you feel and that he cant keep going on weeks-long trips away. He is making you a single parent. At this rate, you’d be better off divorcing him and getting child support and alimony (since he is mostly supporting you) and then you can hire a sitter. No more kids unless he stops the solo trips. Maybe one or two a year, and for 3 to 5 days max.you should go with him and he should be helping with the kids so it isnt exhausting. He isnt a parent right now, he is a paycheck. Thats not good enough.

    Put your foot down. You cant continue to live like this. He needs to come back to reality where he has two young children at home and a working wife that all need him physically there and contributing to the household. Money for trips would be better spent on a maid so you didn’t have as much to do, and maybe a meal delivery service.