I (27M) have been dating my girlfriend (24F) for about 6 months. She’s a student with a lot more free time than me, since I work full-time. Most of the time she’s not really busy with anything, not even studying.
Things are going well overall, but the main issue is that she doesn’t give me space or allow me any “me time.” According to her, being in a relationship means I should give her all of my free time.
I’m introverted, and phone/video calls drain me. Still, I’ve been going above and beyond—talking to her for hours every day. But whenever I tell her “let’s talk later, I want to watch a movie” or “I just need some time to myself,” she gets offended and accuses me of not loving her.
The only times she’s okay with me not being available are when I’m working, cooking, or doing chores.
I really like her and I know she loves me, but I can’t tolerate constant calls or spending hours on the phone every day.
I don’t know if I’m the asshole here, or if it’s reasonable for me to want some time to myself for hobbies or just relaxing.
Any advice would be appreciated.
24 comments
Sounds a little obsessive or at least a little bit too enthusiastic. You should be able to have leisure time that does not include her.
have a serious conversation about needing some alone time to recharge. It’s not about her or your relationship, its about what you need to thrive.
>she gets offended and accuses me of not loving her.
time for some uses of I feel statements. Tell her how these accusations make you feel.
I’m a lot younger than you so I don’t exactly know how you should take this advice but I was in a long distance relationship similar to your situation and I realized after I got out of it that constantly giving my free time was draining me so much I barely even knew what I liked to do myself. My biggest suggestion is to explain to her why “me time” is important to you and in a relationship in general and it’s really up to her how she takes that. I get you love her but if you’re breaking yourself down making her happy that isn’t healthy and if she can’t understand you, you may want to end it.
NTA. I’m like you. After a long work day, I need some quiet time to recharge my battery. I had a boyfriend who simply couldn’t and wouldn’t understand this. Consequently, he assumed I was giving my attention to another man. He simply could NOT fathom my not wanting to be at his beck and call every waking hour.
Your girlfriend sounds like a lot. Sit her down and explain that a healthy relationship has INTERdependence, not dependence. Boundaries are important. If she still pouts, you might need to cut her loose.
I think you’re being perfectly reasonable. It’s not fair for her to accuse you of not loving her for not wanting to spend all of your free time with her. In fact, it’s pretty manipulative. Tell her how you feel & hopefully she’ll listen? & If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get some insight as to why she feels this way. Not that some couples aren’t naturally clingier than others, especially when you’re young & it’s a new thing, but if she’s always going to be like this, it could be a compatibility issue. If setting a boundary ends a relationship, it needed to end anyway.
You should talk to her about it and if she’s unwilling to give you the free time you need, it sounds like you’re not compatible long term. I say this as an extroverted introvert who also needs time to myself to refill my social battery, both for my own happiness and mental clarity as well as for my ability to give others the attention they need, want, and deserve..
You’re not an asshole for wanting time for yourself at all & the only way to keep the relationship from becoming a source of resentment, is to create some boundaries & vocalize your needs for space. I would suffocate in a relationship like that.
Try couples therapy. You may think it’s over the top but you might both learn something about relationships and communication and boundaries.
Fuck no.
Nope, it’s normal to want alone time! Set boundaries with her and just say that when you come home from work or whatever that you want time to yourself to relax in peace, it’s not a lot to ask for!
I’m an extrovert who likes to spend a lot of time with my people BUT I need my alone time as well! That’s totally normal. You just need to talk to her about it, it’s healthy to have a little bit of space in your relationship. If she isn’t okay with it, that’s something she has to work through on her own…
You’re fine. She’s like the problem. Her wanting you to spend all your free time with her is controlling and her accusing you of not loving her whenever you want to end a conversation with her to do something else is gas lighting. If she won’t give you the time that you need for yourself, it may be better to leave her.
NTA, but you may not be compatible long term. You aren’t doing anyone any favors by “going above and beyond” to take phone calls/texts etc, because it isn’t sustainable (and thats ok!!). You need to bring your authentic self to the table and see if ya’ll are able to be compatible. If not it’s better to move on now.
You deserve to be with someone that you don’t get burned out showing up for- and she deserves someone that’s able to meet her needs without so much extra effort required.
No that’s not normal
If she doesn’t understand, you’re not compatible. I so get the feeling when your social battery is almost empty you’re tired after a long day etc. If she cannot understand, then there’s only one option
wanting me time isn’t selfish, it’s normal. if she takes it as rejection every time you ask for space, that’s her insecurity talking, not proof you don’t love her. set clear boundaries now or you’ll burn out fast
Often people who have voids in their life try to fill those gaps with something else, in this case that is you. It’s an overcompensation.
That being said, relationships are all about communication. Perhaps sit her down and spell it out. Explain to her that between working, cooking and doing chores you feel overwhelmed without any breaks. Discuss it with her and ask for her input on how you can create better balance. Perhaps a schedule for times it is okay for her to call or spend time with you so that you know you have blocks of time for other activities or rest. If you involve her in helping you find the solution she won’t feel like you are pushing her away and rather showing her that you care enough to get her input into a problem you are facing. It might not solve things but it would be a good first step.
Sit and try to understand each other’s POV.
Lot of people these days have anxious style of attachment cuz people have betrayed them. She might wanna be with you all the time cuz maybe she has fear of you lying to her, or giving someone else more attention or anything.
People who are ignored as kids grow to be such person.
On the other hand. I understand you as well. So maybe sit together and try and explain both POV. It might help. Keep giving her constant reassurance that you would leave her even if you are not talking to her might help in her case.
She needs therapy – likely anxious attachment.
I (f28) wouldn’t be able to tolerate that. It would be a dealbreaker for me.
I totally understand this. I’m like you I need my alone and quiet time. I was dating a guy that didn’t understand that. The second I would get off work he would call me and he’ll stay on the phone for hours and sometimes barely even say anything. I had to tell him I needed my me time and then he backed off a little bit. It sounds to me like your gf is too immature.
Can your girlfriend not get a hobby or two? Like when people get into relationships they need to remember everyone needs their own time.
Typically, this is a sign of someone who has yet to discover that there’s life outside of a relationship. While it’s not always the case, MOST of the time, it’s insecurity and/or attachment issues at work.
Sit her down and explain to her (in a loving way, of course) that when you ask for space, it’s not because you dislike being around her but rather to recharge your batteries. You want to be able to give her your full and undivided attention and not be a withered husk lol.
Then, ask her what would work for her. Work together to build a healthy communication style that doesn’t drain you and doesn’t overindulge her.
You’re not a jerk for wanting space. Space is healthy as long as it is balanced out with spending time together.
On the flip side….when the anxiously attached person switches to avoidant mode….you might start to miss her 😕 it’ll be very hard to reel her back in because she’ll be very guarded about fully opening her heart with you again. A lot of times us anxious people just need reassurance that you care….it could be something as simple as an extra I love you. Her wanting to be on the phone for hours definitely sounds draining, so maybe another more serious talk needs to happen.
Just be careful pushing her away or pulling back too far because once the anxious goes cold…you probably won’t like that either. She’ll go cold if she feels ignored.
I live with my partner and we still give each other space .. space is healthy .. he comes home after a long day at work and we spend like 15 minutes talking about our day and then he goes and chills out for half an hour before dinner .. if I need space from him I let him know I want some time alone and we talk about what that means ..
she sounds like she has some issues with being abandoned and doesn’t understand healthy boundaries in a relationship