To make a long story short, when I get home from work, my girlfriend (relationship of 2+ years) is happy to see me and usually tells me not to worry about cleaning or house chores so I can just relax and we have a nice evening together. Come the next morning, I will be at work and receive a text about how she feels anxious and stressed, I ask if there is anything I can do to help, and the response is usually “clean the fish tanks, clean the litter boxes, fold laundry, clean around the house, etc” I say yes of course and I am happy to help, just let me know what I can do at home in the moment. She responds, “I shouldn’t need to ask you to do these things.”
Now I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place. I have asked for her to directly ask me to help with chores in the moment multiple times, but its usually met with “I shouldn’t have to tell you what to do and I won’t be doing that.” Well, that leaves me in a pickle… because I am more than happy to help with chores and responsibilities around the house, but my only request is that she asks me directly in the moment to help with something or to do a chore. That doesn’t seem like an outrageous request, but maybe I am in the wrong here. I am open minded and will accept criticism so don’t hold back.
The unfortunate aspect of this whole situation is that her perspective of not wanting to “mother me” by asking to help with chores is the exact issue that is causing her to become angry and anxious. I am providing a solution by asking for direction and requesting her to directly ask me to help with chores or responsibilities in the moment. This request is too much for her to handle apparently, but it is what I am and have been asking for. Simple direction.
Assuming that your partner knows your internal expectations without verbally expressing them in the moment and then to get mad at them for not meeting those unsaid expectations seems extremely unfair and unhealthy to me… I feel lost and somewhat stuck here.
I care more about this woman and our relationship than anyone I have ever been with. She is someone i want to build a family with. I am consistently trying to grow and be a better partner and man for her and our relationship as a whole. Sadly, mornings like this leave me shaking is sadness and frustration because I am trying, but it seems like it is never enough.
Thank you in advance…
TL;DR
GF won't ask me to help with chores in the moment because she doesnt think it should be necessary, but getting direction from her her asking to me help with chores in the moment is exactly what i keep asking her for.