I'm not sure if this is the actual source of our problems and the reason our relationship has been so rocky. After over thinking the situation and wondering the source I think I pinned it down to the fact that he is the youngest of 4 kids(three boys, one oldest sister).
Most of the frustrations I have been bringing up are also "traits of a younger sibling" (of course not every younger sibling fall into this but I'm talking in general), he follows me around EVERYWHERE and rarely gives me space, its hard for him to take the initiative with ANYTHING unless I mention it, he only eats out UNLESS I make food(which is funny because he fancy's himself as a cook because he use to work in a kitchen), and if he does cook for once he will bring it up all damn month and won't do anything else. He has his sibling on a pedestal and can do no wrong(expect for his oldest sister) and he is so careless it amazes me. Half of the conversations we have I HAVE to ask him to repeat what I said because there is a huge possibility that he is NOT paying attention or worse he will agree with whatever I'm saying just to agree even though he has no idea what I'm talking about. I think that might have to do with confidence issues because his always so focused on how other view him. He is so worried about how he presents and if people think he's "manly" enough that he ends up giving all his focus to that and forgetting about the moment. and last but not least he is constantly comparing himself to me. If I accidently fall, he will tell me a story of how he once fell so much worse than me, and how it was so much funnier. I kind of even stopped telling him certain things because I'm done listening to made up stories that are "so much funnier." If I'm working graveyards, he wants to work graveyards. If I get a second job, he wants a second job. And I wouldn't mind IF HE COULD KEEP UP WITH THE OTHER THINGS. But he can't and he end up getting burned out so fast and forgets to do everything he's supposed to be doing. He'll start driving SOO badly, I'm talking about running red lights and shit. And all for what? To look "better" than me?
It's like he is in constant competition with me and simultaneously wants me to be his mother. He wants to be babied and constantly talks about how he "misses me" if I get a little to busy and will treat me differently, all because "I just don't feel like you love me anymore". ALL BECAUSE I WANT SPACE TO DO MY OWN THINGS. I feel like I can't have hobbies of my own, friends of my own, a job of my own, without him making it about himself. I am trying so hard to understand him, to get my work schedule to match his so he won't feel alone, I tried giving him advice but he just thinks I'm "talking down on him" and I think it's all connected to how he was raised. how he was the youngest and maybe I have the wrong approach?
Have you dated a person that is the younger sibling? how did you manage for it to work out without treating them like a child. How can I get him to pick up his own weight? how can I get him to remember what I say?
And incase i get asked: I'm the middle child of my family.
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No, I do not think birth order matters. On how to get him to remember what you say or basically getting him to listen to you … you’re not suppose. If they remember things you told them then it will show with their actions that they are interested. If they aren’t listening to you then why even be with them?
The issue here is not whether birth order matters, it’s simply *do you want to date someone with this personality and this relationship to his family*?
Birth order absolutely ***does*** matter and anyone saying otherwise lives in a perfect world or is a singleton.
It matters in exactly the same way as your race or sex matters: Your environment will treat you differently. Your family will raise you differently, other people will view you differently, and so on.
So it will amplify some personality traits and attenuate others.
The eldest child is usually (not always) expected to help take care of their younger siblings. The youngest child usually (not always) has the least amount of chores assigned because their elder siblings are already doing them. So unless the parents make an exact plan on what chores which child does, this will fossilize into much fewer responsibilities on the youngest child. Couple it with the extra coddling that the youngest children usually receive in a family, and consequences are natural.
And I’m saying this as a youngest child.
Saying your environment doesn’t affect you is completely untenable. People claiming birth order didn’t affect *them* don’t realize that their parents made numerous *conscious choices* to prevent birth order from affecting their children in a stereotypical fashion.
In other words, it very much affects them, only in ways that are not stereotypical.
The plural of *an anecdote* is not *data*, just as the singular of *stereotypes* is not *an individual.*
**In case of your boyfriend, however, he is the stereotypical youngest child.**
His family has no problem accepting his negative personality traits because he was loved unconditionally and had been allowed to go carefree.
This is affecting his personality negatively and he had no correctional guidance from his environment, and yes, it will continue.
While his family didn’t have a problem with his personality, **you don’t have to accept this.** You are absolutely allowed to expect and enforce a positive change in him. You are allowed to set boundaries that he is not allowed to cross. You are allowed to break up with him if he fails to meet your expectaions.
• It is not “changing who he is” and “making him a boring person”. It won’t make you “fall out of love with him because he changed”.
• It is not coercion or manipulation if you clearly set out the terms and communicate what is and what isn’t comfortable to you as you got to know him.
• It is not moving goalposts when you realize that, as he improves, more negative personality traits are uncovered that need working on.
What this is, is helping him on the way to become the best version of himself.
It takes patience. An old adage is that removing a negative trait takes twice as long as it took to instill it. I don’t have that much of a negative view, but I’ll grant that it is very difficult to get rid of them because they’re very comfortable, they soothe your conscience when you are selfish and feed your ego very well. When you get too comfortable in them, getting rid of them seems like ripping out an integral part of yourself.
You can help him become the best version of himself.
But you don’t have to. You’re under no obligation to him or anyone to do it. But staying with him will require a lot of effort from you one way or another. Either you will put in the work to help him improve and it gets better from that work, or you clench your teeth and soldier through.
But he won’t get better on his own. He has to get a push from the outside. It can be you, it can be a colleague, a friend, a boss, a teacher, anything. He might get a sudden inspiration to improve, but counting on that is a very long shot.
But you don’t have to stay with him.
This isn’t about birth order. It is about who he is as a person. He sounds exhausting to live with.