He doesn't make any time for us to hang out in person to catch up and I haven't seen him in person for over a year. I was going through a tough time about a year ago and called him out for not being there for me and he got all defensive and used his normal excuse "I HAVE A FAMILY".
However he invites me over when him, his 2 kids or wife are having a birthday party or when he needs help moving/lifting something heavy. I was buying him and his kids presents for their birthdays but stopped when he didn't buy me anything for mine or visit me.
We still chat 1-2x a week and he updates me on everything going on in his life and it feels like he kind of ignores what I got going on. He will ask me how I'm doing but it's more to be polite and he doesn't ever really engage with me about my life. He just kind of says "Nice!" And brings the conversation back to being about him.
He has also told me stories of flipping out on other people and using the "I HAVE A FAMILY!" Excuse for being rude to others. It's almost like he feels entitled at this point. In my opinion he is approaching life in a defensive mode because of his family.
I got my own problems going on and I choose to not answer his calls more often. He doesn't seem to keep up with to many friends but he's always going out to support his wife at her social events or stays home with the kids while his wife catches up with her friends.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of friend before? Before he started his family he was a good friend and was there for me when I needed him. Now he acts like the universe revolves around him and he doesn't take other people into consideration.
I don't think bringing this up to him would be of any help, he seems to be on edge all the time and ready to talk shit back to anyone that gets in the way of his family.
37 comments
Yeah he’s in the shit. Grab a six pack a pizza and go chill
Wjth him and tbe kiddo and let mom take an evening.
You will change their lives.
You both sound exhausting.
He sounds like a bit of a dick or overwhelmed father/provider, and you sound too needy and not understanding of how having kids changes people’s priorities and availability.
I have a friend like you
I had kids and i was in the shit and he brought this conversation that you are talking about up
I told him….im sorry for not being there but the place im in is where i want to be
He understood and we kind of stopped talking
He started a family and called me one day…..he was like damn i totally understand why you did what you did
Our friendship never got back on track consistently but i appreciated him for that call
Other friends who i still have good friendships with dove into take mentoring rolls with my kids
Dude
Balancing your career, your wife, your house, and multiple young kids is so mind boggingly busy that you can’t even comprehend it
I’ve been you before. Now that I have an even busier job in order to support my family and 2 kids under 2, I understand.
If you aren’t in that situation you will never understand
Your friend still cares. But he literally just has no time or energy left
Had my first kid recently. It’s been so much more work than I thought. I have less time and energy for everything else, even my job. Your friend may be partially taking this same frustration out on you or others, and that’s not ok. You might ask him how often is a reasonable frequency to talk or visit.
You might also tell him you miss hanging out and want to meet him halfway. I also think if he vents to you or asks for favors that you should probably draw a line in the sand and let him know it’s draining you.
I’ve told most of my friends to lower their expectations until my kid is much older. It’s a damn whirlwind of work and at the end of the day, I just have nothing left to give, even if I’m trying my best. My wife and I are both on edge a lot right now. I don’t take it out on other people, but I sure am lonely as fuck.
Bit of a role reversal from what you were asking, though.
I think you are both going through changes and just doing what you can. Unfortunately I’ve noticed sometimes people you were good friends with can have shifting priorities. Had a friend focus on his “business” and only invited me to events he was organizing, since I have my own stuff going on wasn’t able to make it. He might have been offended because when I’d asking him to hang out I’d never hear back from. I don’t agree with the guy who said you are needy I genuinely think it’s a hard pill to swallow. Just gotta focus on your own things and eventually reconnect. Personally if I’m not learning/upskilling I feel kind of empty
Do you have a wife and little kids?
It seems most guys here have gotten defensive, I have never seen this response before, usually it is a lot more mature.
How about giving this guy useful advice than getting triggered.
Family people are like this. It’s why people stop hanging out them. I have a few that put in the effort but most drift away as their daily priority becomes keeping people alive.
I think a lot of people are missing your point, and it’s not that he’s “too busy” because he has a family, but seems to lack any self awareness of not reciprocating as a friend.
Just because he has a family doesn’t mean he can’t care about your life during conversations and ask questions. I have had similar friends in my life, I literally heard “Nice” in my friend’s voice as I was reading, he does the exact same thing.
I think sometimes people use each other as an outlet for their wanting to talk to others and be heard. Next time you talk to him and he starts up about his busy life, just say “Hey man I got to go do XYZ,” he’ll learn like a Pavlovian response after a few times and hopefully start to be a little more thoughtful in actually communicating.
Give home some grace and send him some good memes
Nothing to be done. It’s how some guys handle the stress. My dad calls it “going underwater”. He’ll be underwater for the next 20 years, unfortunately.
I’ve lost guy friends for the exact same reason.
I went through similar feelings but made it a point, as I typically do, to never verbalize it to them. That will get you ostracized in my opinion. I was buying birthday gifts and attending the initial parties. The friend calls me once in a blue moon and usually describes fun outings they’ve had with our mutual friends. Although I personally can’t arrange an outing with him because “they literally have no time with the baby”.
I don’t mention my displeasure/fomo and can easily shift conversation to his kid (score!). So yeah I’m very low on the priority list, I cherish the old times, and I will not invest my energy into that friendship anymore
No one prepares you for this major relational shift. There are friends pre-parenting and friends while parenting and friends post-parenting.
This guy is now a dad first, husband second. Your old relationship us now a distant third. There may be zero bandwidth or time outside of family and career and extended bro time is a thing of the past.
Either you become a parent yourself, you become an “uncle” and help with raising the kids or you find new people or things to occupy your time with, such as work or hobbies.
There really isn’t any another option for the next 18-26 years.
While we all have our own ‘problems’ or life things going on, it is laughable if you are comparing the life of a bachelor / person with no family and kids to someone with a family with kids.
Coming from a person someone with just a partner, we’ve lost loads of adventure time with friends and family that now have kids.
Kind of just how it goes.
Family takes priority when you create one. It’s the right thing to do. Some guys can carve out time with their buds, but it’s limited and often conditional. Mostly, you just wanna be a good Dad and husband.
Really good friends will find a way to endure. Some friendships will fade away forever. Decide how important your friendship is. If you’re in it for the long run, all you can do is support him. In time, he might be able to escape from the fold more often. Though it could be years, or not at all.
Someday, if you’re ever in his shoes, you’ll get it. Until then, be the friend you want him to be. Good friends are hard to find.
I’m 52. A couple of my best mates got married and started families. They become their priority and you take a back seat. I still got to hang out a bit, but the dynamic changes when couples have small kids. Other families with small kids come together and people without kids get put on the sidelines.
One of my friends drifted apart. My old best mate from school and I started hanging out once his kids were mid teenagers and could take care of themselves, Now they are off at college and things between my old mate and I are a lot like back in the old days.
I agree with your mate. I have no kids but I have friends with young kids and their life completely changes. As someone with no kids it was clear their life just got alot harder and they had alot less time. Now instead of me getting defensive and angry I had empathy and understood they are my friends I don’t need to add more stress to their lives by complaining they couldn’t see me as often I had open communication with them saying you don’t need to feel bad or make time when your exhausted whenever you have time I’ll adjust and make it work.
We saw opportunities to to adjust how we catch up so now we play games together once or twice a week online where we chat and catch up and then
Having a new family obviously causes so much stress anxiety and change to identity. So I guess instead of being defensive maybe be a bit more understanding and don’t add to the stress and anxiety??
Oh when people have young families you kind of gotta write them off from the main roster of friends.
Nothing personal but they wont be coming to the pub until midnight on a wednesday anymore.
Just keep in contact and see them here and there and when the kids are older, they may come back out like the old days
This belongs on r/amitheasshole
When me and my friends started having kids things changed a bit. What made it a bit better is it happened around the same time. Right about 29-35. By the time we reached about 33, we kind of figured things out a bit and started hanging out again more often, our wives did too.
Those first couple of years with your first kids are different. It takes a lot out of you, but in time you learn how to balance family, work, friendships and personal time a little bit better.
Hopefully your buddy will be able to do the same, the whole “I got a family!” Thing does sound pretty fucking obnoxious though. Good luck!
I have two kids, older now. Not once did I behave like that guy, even when they were babies
My friends who have had kids get understandably super busy and I don’t see them as much. You have to be the flexible one. My friends with newborns will have random times that come up last minute as free and I’m usually able to drop what i’m doing to grab lunch or something. Just gotta understand it’s family first.
If you don’t feel like he’s reciprocating stop hanging out with him. You sound needy as hell though
Idk, my friend developed a nasty crack addiction and wonders why I haven’t visited, but forgets that on Father’s Day two years ago when he disappeared and didn’t go home and I got shot at, during a drive by in north east DC where he decided to move to, for said crack addiction.
Or maybe it was the OD I had to help him during in which he claimed I did nothing for him.
But yeah, I have a family and I don’t really want to die. I couldn’t bring it up with him, but I did have to establish boundaries after they returned from rehab. Still, I’ll get the occasional 10-3am text asking me to hang out because we used to go out drinking and that typically tells me he relapsed and I would need to avoid him for a bit.
I’ve tried the slow goodbye, I’ve tried the deliberate, I’ve gotten to a good place with boundaries with them, idk consider that?
I’m always curious what the gameplan for men like this is when the kids leave the nest and especially if the marriage goes south. “I’m 55 and have nobody to talk to except for when my kids visit from college” buddy you created this situation for yourself when you cut off every friend you had for 20 years.
He is taking other people into consideration, his wife and kids.
Sounds like he’s being an involved husband and father.
Can’t fault him for that.
This kind of stuff happens as people start families. Priorities shift.
It’s now more important for him to be a good father and husband than a good friend.
There comes a point in most peoples’ lives that they have to prioritize friends or family. Family usually wins. Sorry for your loss bro.
Kids, marriage, and careers change relationship dynamics. I had a great friend who I just can’t relate to anymore because he didn’t have kids and went a separate career path.
Lots of these replies are BS reasoning. I don’t expect people to have time for me but friends don’t even ask how my life is going while I’m hanging with them and their kids. People have just become more self centered these days.
You sound like my gf I had when I was 19. Dude has a family and is burnt out, sounds like you’re single and have less commitments. His life has changed and so has your friendship because of this, it’s common.
Family comes first, obviously, and devaluation of friendships is okay.
I generally don’t like to hang out with couples or families for this reason, and in your thirties as a single guy, it means the social circle will be a lot smaller.
I mean… What do you expect?
His family is the number one priority in life. And they should be. He doesn’t have much time for friends, but it sounds like he’s at least making a little bit an effort
People grow apart. It’s not a big deal
You talk once a week, this is a ton. Like a metric shit load for someone with a demanding career, a wife, children, and a workout schedule.
If you want to hang out more, go to the gym together, this lets you both get your workout in and hang out.
But he is likely bust from 6 am to 10 pm every day, so make concrete plans and get together for something healthy to do.
I was born in a poor family and after 8 years of working hard I had to admit that I can’t afford children. So the choose was really simple. 😀
It’s possible that he has very little free time, or that he’s just exhausted.
It’s weird, we’re in this place where brotherhood is no longer deemed worthy of prioritizing and yet men are widely complaining about a loneliness epidemic.
I guess people in the situation feel justified discarding every relationship besides the one with their family. As if there is no options between putting your family first and hanging out with your friends nonstop. Oh well.
One day they’ll wake up after the kids leave and realize no one is left. I find it increasingly difficult to sympathize.
I’m a parent –
He sounds a a bit like a typical selfish parent, so many parents act entitled it really sh*ts me.
They loose manners and do act very entitled like their kids need special care and treatment if you can’t make time for your friends then you’re the problem that said chatting once or twice a week is still good too.