No desire to deal with people!
I was left friendless and alone. When I thought getting out of a toxic relationship would be my saving grace, and everything would go back to normal, I couldn’t be more wrong.
My head has been swirling for months thinking about where I went wrong. Maybe I was the problem all along? “Stop” my subconsciousness yells! “Don’t go down that road, it won’t benefit your well being.
But here we are, yet again, in the midst of cancelled plans and no social life, just me my toddler and our dog.
Sitting overanalyzing what am I doing that drives people away? Whining about my failed relationship? I stopped talking about it all together! Um, is it because I overshare my problems? No more! “Everything is great!”
I need to be a good listener? Done! You want me to give you advice? Okay! I am trying I swear! Regardless, the issue is still ongoing.
The closest to me cannot be the furthest! The ones I though had my back, were nowhere to be found when I went through the hardest year of my life. I survived, I rose above, everything is fine. Yet, here I am a single fucking parent with no moral support whatsoever, housebound after work with no prospect of a social life. How sad, how depressing! Yes, pity me as do I!
I guess I’m becoming anti-social. The idea of talking to strangers or actually having to communicate with adults is making me so anxious! I am not cool, not fun, nor interesting. My life doesn’t have any updates – I have a kid and an unstable work life, nobody wants to hear that! I don’t wanna party even when I can! I just want to be left in my small bubble!
I guess losing contact when I needed it the most is the reason I became so closed up.
I finally reached the stage where I have no one around and I don’t even care. Sadness over being isolated and lonely grew into satisfaction when alone. I have no desire to entertain nor talk to anyone. I don’t know how to call this state of mind or even if anyone ever feels this way. I got used to being outcasted as weird. Whatever, this wonderless shitshow goes on!
Even if I fail at everything, I will be there for my kid! I will try my absolute hardest to give them the happy childhood they deserve! I can be silly with them, spend quality time with them, teach them and guide them. I am proud of myself for at least this one thing I’ve done with my life.