My partner and I are both late 30s (38F, 39M) and have been together for 5 years. I have a high powered (high paying, long hours) job and, until about a year ago, he was working from home full time. He had a lot of flexibility in his job, which was honestly great because I don’t, and he could help with things like vet visits for the pets, grocery shopping, etc. He lost his job right around the time I got pregnant after years of trying. Initially he was going to work on some classes/certificates, do some house projects (we have plenty), and defer looking for another job. As the pregnancy progressed, it sounded more and more like he may want to be a stay at home parent. I did express some concern that it may be hard to get back into a job if he had long gaps in his resume and to potentially look for something even on a very part time basis. His current plan is to go into consulting but is not actually going to start looking until I go back to work next month. This has been a little bit of a yellow flag, but I can afford to be the sole breadwinner if we tighten our belts a little. Here’s where the conflict arises….
I have been on maternity leave for five months now and, while initially I wasn’t doing a ton around the house given the birth, I now do almost 100% of the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. in addition to paying for everything. Today, for example, I went for a run, did four loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, and nursery, and sterilized all the bottles, washed the front windows, and did some light gardening. He slept in (okay, maybe was up late with the baby) and has played video games…for four hours. I’ve tried to talk to him about this: for example, “if you want to be a stay at home parent you’ll need to take all of this off my plate,” “I’m having anxiety about what happens when I go back to work,” “you need to help more,” etc… Nothing seems to have sunk in. He once said “I’m depressed and this is the only thing that makes me feel better,” but when I asked him about that statement in the moment and in follow up days later, he’s denied it. Postpartum depression is a real thing and I would want him to own up to it if he thought that was what was happening. Since then, the reason he says he is playing so much is usually “I’m tired” (undoubtedly true, but not sure what he feels is holding him back from napping). When I think about it, he was playing a lot of video games in the lead up to the baby too (but then it was “one last hurrah, since I won’t have time for this later”). Am I just realizing that he’s been like this the whole time? Is there something else going on here? He’s my best friend, but I want a partner who is industrious, who has goals and helps…and right now, he thinks he’s “helping” by putting the baby in the swing next to him while he games and I’m becoming more and more disillusioned that we were ever on the same page.
Around dinner time he asked me why I looked like I was going to cry and asked what he could do…guys, it was all I could do not to just shake him. We have literally had this conversation every day for weeks.
I do have to mention one major way he helps and that is by really making sure I’m getting as much sleep as possible. I’ve always been the type to need a solid 7-8 hrs to feel like a real human and he stays up with the baby and/or handles middle of the night issues. My night is still interrupted by feedings, but he does all the diapering and settling back down so I can rest. He’s also an excellent father—he loves our baby and it’s apparent in every interaction.
I guess I’m asking for advice on a few different fronts: (1) how have couples with reverse typical gender roles divvied up tasks in a way that felt fair? (I want him to have his downtime, but he also has to get things done), (2) are there red flags here for postpartum depression that I’m missing?, (3) any advice on how to successfully navigate this conversation without feeling like a nag?, (4) this may all be about insecurities regarding his job loss (to my knowledge, he hasn’t looked for a job at all but he did get a lot of pride/kudos in his prior role)—how best can I show my support while also giving him a necessary kick in the pants?
TL; DR, I (38F) and my parter (39M), together 5 years, just had a baby. He was working full time until a year ago but I have always been the breadwinner and, since I’ve been on maternity leave, I’ve become increasingly concerned that he spends the majority of his day playing video games, leaving me to do all of the housework. I’m concerned about going back to work, but having trouble getting him to tell me what’s going on. Seeking advice for how to help him but also give him a necessary kick in the pants.