One example is that our kid will eat something (be it a sucker, fast food, whatever), and instead of getting up and walking to throw the trash away in a trash bag/ trash can, he instead chucks the trash to the corner of the room. His reasoning is he doesn't want bugs around him, and that he's lazy and it's my fault for not providing a trash can in the living room where the trash is building up instead.
I tell him he's not lazy, that he's making more work for himself, and is being gross. That instead of lazy, he's actually being disgusting and needs to walk the trash to the right place.
My wife perceives his personality much like her own (she's very sensitive), and says no one would want to be talked to like that, that I leave trash in places sometimes too. I agree, I do, but the difference is I try to limit it, I'm an adult in my own home, and he needs boundaries and a parent to call him out on his bad behaviors before they become bad habits for later in life. Plus, I get very annoyed and stressed when the house gets dirty.
I like talking my conflicts out, and wife doesn't at all. I ask how she'd bring it up instead, she replies that she didn't know exactly, but when she asks him to do something it never ends up being an argument like that. I say that I wasn't arguing, I was trying to explain things, and she says we are actually not listening to each other, and are fighting. Tells me, whatever, it's my relationship with him and it's between us.
Anyway, wife shuts down after this and I say that I need her help, and her advice and I hate how she shuts me out. She says she feels like no one wants here there, and feels like I think she's always mad.
She raises her voice at me, basically tells me to stop trying and I keep ramping things up trying to discuss things, and I say that I don't get why I'm even trying to be a parent, if it's just never enough and I can't get a straight answer on how to do better, because I honestly want to. I was raised in a more volatile household and I told her I don't have the tools to do better if I don't know.
I asked for family counseling, or at least couples, and she scoffs and says she doesn't think it will work, we just can't get along. She's going for personal help at a later date to figure out if she's neurodivergent.
TL;DR: My kid throws trash in the corner of the room instead of cleaning up, saying it’s my fault for not putting a trash can nearby. I called it gross and tried to explain why it’s a bad habit, but my wife thought I was being too harsh and compared it to when I leave messes too. We ended up arguing because I wanted her input and support, but she shut down and said I make her feel unwanted. I asked for counseling because I genuinely want to be a better parent, but she doesn't think it’ll help and is instead seeking personal help for herself.