I (33-F) have been with my fiance for almost 11 years. Engaged for 3 years. I told my fiance (34-M) that I was pregnant with our first child before he went to work. This child would be the first for the both of us. He said he was happy and said we’d talk more about it when he got home. 13 hours later he walks in from work, on the phone with a friend, and tells me he’s going to take a shower and head to watch a football game. Of course I’m confused because I was excited to discuss the baby. When I express that I was confused about him leaving the house again, he he flipped out on me. He asked “what’s the issue with him going to watch a football game and talking to me afterwards”. But it gets worse. He calls me a disrespectful b!tch, says he should “punch me in my sh!t”, he doesn’t care about me he only cares about what’s in my stomach, he continues to scream at me for 2 hours. Then he packed all of his things in a suitcase and left. A few hours later he expresses how sorry he is. He said he had a bad day at work and took it out on me. I’m so hurt and confused. I lowkey want to terminate the pregnancy because if he can walk out on me now, surely he will when the baby gets here. I absolutely refuse to bring a child into a volatile situation and I also don’t want to be left as a single mother. I’ve always wanted a husband and family, hence why I made it to 33 without any children. We’ve been together for a long time and he keeps saying he’s going to get it together. I think it’s naive to have a baby and hope for the best. Idk what to do. Please any advice is appreciated. And please judgement from the “pro life” people. TIA.
46 comments
You have all the information you need
Dont let what you want cloud you from what is.
It won’t get better, you’re better off making your decision and leaving him before it escalates any further. I’m sorry that you’re in this position
So sorry sweetie
This is not a safe situation to bring a child into. I think you’re smart to terminate. Please reach out to your trusted loved ones for support during this difficult time, I hear termination can be difficult and I know for certain your breakup will be. Please make sure you’re physically safe because anyone who threatens to assault you is *absolutely* the kind of person who will follow through on the threat. I’m so sorry.
What your fiancé did yelling at you, making threats, then leaving is not okay. That’s abusive behavior, not just having a bad day. You’re right to pause and think seriously about bringing a child into this environment. Your safety and the baby’s well-being come first.
Take time to consider your options, lean on trusted friends or family, and maybe speak with a counselor or support service. You don’t have to make a decision immediately, but don’t ignore these red flags.
He has shown you who he is. Take him at his actions not his apology. If you don’t want to be a single mom or have a legal entanglement with this man, I think abortion is a valid option. I am 100% pro choice, especially in cases like this. He threatened to hit you, WHILE YOU ARE CARRYING HIS BABY. There is no excuse. Behavior like that often escalated to physical abuse.
Protect yourself. Leave fast. Make the decision to terminate AFTER you are safe.
You want a lifetime of more of this?
For what it’s worth, I’d do the same thing.
Be quiet on all your next steps until you move out so you don’t get hurt.
Seriously, call the abuse hotline – great checklists, and great ideas on how to move safely
It’s wild, you think you know a person. But it seems like a change in circumstances like this can reveal so much. Do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Hell no! He thinks he has you trapped now so the true him has finally come out. I would not keep the baby but that’s me. Either way believe him when he shows you who he is. This is only going to get worse.
A bad day at work? No, sweet girl. There is no coming back from that.
I don’t know why, but my first thought was he’s cheating. Happily committed men don’t get upset about a pregnancy
I’m so sorry OP, but terminating might be for the best. If this is how he’s behaving now, it will only escalate
I had a partner that was everything I ever wanted, until I got pregnant. Then he became an abusive monster
Sometimes you have to break your own heart to let go of a bad dream.
First off, together for 11 years and engaged for 3?!?! That sounds like he doesn’t really want to follow through all the way with that commitment. So now it’s getting too real for him and he doesn’t really want that. Secondly, it doesn’t matter how bad of a day he has had that is absolutely unacceptable for him to suggest in any way to punch or harm you that sounds like he will 100% turn abusive down the line and resent you for “trapping” him. I would say your best bet is probably to terminate and cut ties as sad as that is. But ultimately this is your decision. This is your life. You have to live with whatever choice you make and if you have the baby then the baby also has to live with your choice if it makes it to the point of life.
Yup it will not get better! My ex always took his work frustration out on me. I took it for many many years due to my kids. That was a mistake. I should have never given him my good years or any children! That is unacceptable.
So many 🚩. I def wouldn’t feel safe after this.
IF you decide to terminate, leave and do not tell him. I’m afraid of what he might do esp after his threats of punching you…if you tell him anything at all, tell him you miscarried. Then block his butt and move on.
There are worse things than being a single parent. At 33, you might need to consider the fact test it will take time to find a suitable partner and the closer you are to 40, the more complex first time pregnancy can be.
I’m certainly not advising you to stay in a bad situation. But if you were happy about the pregnancy, you can still make it work.
I don’t know what to do about you being pregnant, but staying with this AH would be out of the question.
I think you already answered your own question. Your gut is already telling you.
If he can speak to you like this after a bad day at work, I can imagine how he would speak to you after a bad day with a newborn. Toddlers push buttons. Have a baby with someone who is a positive role model on their child on how to speak to people – especially their partner.
So sorry you are in this situation.
He’s shown you his true colors. You know what you need to do. You are way too young to tie yourself up with the wrong person for the rest of your life.
There is never a more vulnerable time in your life than when you are pregnant. For him to act like this is a huge red flag. Whether you decide to keep it or not, you’re better off without him. He’s too volatile. His reaction was completely uncalled for.
Don’t bring a child into a world with him as it’s father
How out of character is this? You’ve been with him 11 years. Has he ever behaved like this before?
Do you have friends or family you can stay with? You are not safe.
11 years together, both in your mid-30’s with a longer engagement, clearly chances of pregnancy high, surprised it took this long. What the heck was he expecting?! A mature loving man would have been fine being late to work with this news, or at the very least sent an encouraging txt while at work or came home with flowers or dinner ready to talk. He had time to think about his reaction and chose “bye going to a friends house”. WILD! You most definitely did not deserve that response from him and he is much too old to be acting that way. Your feelings and fears are 100% valid and if you choose to leave him (& I think we all vote you should) let his actions and those arbitrary words be the closure you need, I can only assume this isn’t the first heartbreaking response you’ve received from him in 11yrs. That’s not the type of partner you want under the same roof making a family. I can’t give any advice on the baby, I lean more pro-life….but I can certainly tell that you would be a loving mother as you’re already thinking ahead for baby. I’m sorry that you’re with someone you held out hope for and he has let you down…that boy isn’t ready and it’s not your job to wait for him, you’ve awaited long enough.
Good luck mama!
I am pro-choice, and the choice is yours and no one else’s.
Please don’t make a rash decision in a heated moment based on this asshole. Decide what is it that YOU want. He has shown his true colors, he will not support you and your child.
Regardless of your decision, you won’t be the first or the last to take the route you choose.
He threatened to punch you. No one’s worst day should include physical violence.
I’d be camping outside the clinic waiting for it to open. Then I’d leave his ass expeditiously. He showed you who he is.
I think a huge red flag is where he said he should “punch you” & also that he does not care about you only what’s in your stomach. Those are things that are not said just because of a bad day, no matter how much he apologizes. He has told you how he really feels. You are right to question if this is an environment/ relationship to bring a child into.
A word of caution, though. If you decide to terminate, do not tell him that is what you decided. It is terrible to do that, but if what you posted is true he is showing that he would be extremely volatile.
Situations like this are why I’m pro-choice. I’m sorry this is happening, but it’s better that it should happen now than after you’re legally bound to this man. Hugs to you 💕
Umm he’s abusive.. Im bot going to tell you what to do about the baby but for your safety and the baby’s, i would get the f out.
I’d leave immediately. You’ve been together for 11 years and still not married. He’s not going to commit and tbh with this new behavior he was never going to marry you. He’s just been using you as a place holder which men often do until they find the woman they really want to marry. This may also be the reason why he’s upset about you being pregnant because you will be tied together for life. He wasn’t planning on that.
You’ve been with him for 11 years. It will never get better. He sounds absolutely horrible.
Can I say this thread is kind of healing for me. My mother was horrible and gave horrible advice. I ended up having a child with a horrible person. I don’t wish that on anyone. I wish I had women/people like on this thread being loving, supportive and real.
As a husband, I would never ever talk to my wife like this. When I found out we were pregnant I was ecstatic, speechless, joyful! Then numb for 2 days when I realized all the stuff we had to prep for. However, I never lost the hopeful outlook for a new little human in our lives. However she miscarried at week 6. His reaction is far from normal. He really doesn’t love you, or is harboring resentment for something that happened between you 2
Abuse escalates when they think you are trapped.
wtf
Number one cause of death among pregnant women is intimate partner violence
The mask slipped and showed you he’s an ugly person. Termination would keep you from any permanent tires. If it would help keep you safe, tell him you miscarried. Make an escape plan and work it.
I agree with everyone, leave. You need to be safe and clear your mind before making a choice. I’ve had to make that choice before, it’s hard and will be harder without a partner, but you need to do what’s fair to you and any possible child. If you choose to terminate, DO NOT TELL HIM. All he has to know is you are no longer pregnant. He’s already making threats, don’t give him a reason to actually follow through, seriously, please protect yourself above all else. Best of wishes, and all the good energy for whatever path you choose to take 🖤
Eight years of dating, three years engaged, now this ? GTFO.
I’ve been married for 12 years yesterday and I can tell you I was in your shoes, I made the stupid decision to stay and it gets worse. He will spend many days drinking and ignoring you and tell you how women are damaged goods after having babies. If he did this to you when you announced such a blessing news, he’ll continue to do it, this is him getting his feet wet. Now that you are pregnant, he thinks you have no way out and that he is now free to behave how he wants. My husband was a sweetheart and so kind before I got pregnant and he switched on me like yours did on you. Don’t be stupid, it doesn’t get better. I am slowly getting my ducks in a row and leaving him. He was diagnosed with cancer 1 year ago and I found out when I was 4 months pregnant and I did not leave him because it would be wrong, I did not want to leave him in such a bad place so I decided to stick it out to be the support he never was for me, and believe it or not, he continued and was more verbally abusive and his anger got worse but he is having his last radiation therapy tomorrow and once he gets a job, I am out. I work full time and care for him and manage our bills and my two kids. I’ve felt suffocated like someone heavy is sitting on my chest, I have family that lives far away and because of the circumstances, I’ve lost touch with my friends. I can’t wait to live and care for my family without him in it. DON’T BE ME! He will beg you and tell you how he is so sorry and that he had a bad day but the truth is this continues and it will never stop. It is manipulation that lasts 12 years. Find someone deserving of you and yes, I would terminate that pregnancy. Screw him.
Theres no way this is the first time this man has treated you this way. You know this is t a safe situation. If you’ve been ignoring that, you can’t afford to do so any longer.
Regardless of what you choose to do with the pregnancy, this man is not someone you will ever be safe around. He is volatile, threatening to punch you, saying he doesn’t care about you after 11 years together and 3 years engaged, and he does this within the same day of finding out you are pregnant with his child.
Leave him. Don’t let the years you’ve sunk into this relationship hold you still. He showed you a side of himself that’s real and terrifying. A good man won’t treat you like this after a “bad day at work.” No excuse can make right what he’s done.