My mother-in-law (F-100) died today. We've been married 46 yrs.
I (M-70) got along well for the most part. She had a long and difficult life. While my wife (F-70) and I were engaged, she had an affair. My mother-in-law STRONGLY advocated for me. She influenced my wife to end the affair. I basically owe my marriage to her. This is an enduring memory. I don't know if I should bring this up to my wife when reminiscing about my mother-in-law. It was a painful and shameful time for her, and I don't know how she would react. My wife has acknowledged her mother's influence in the past. Is this a feeling I should just keep to myself? TL;DR Should I discuss a potentially painful memory?
27 comments
Some positive memories, painful to others, are best left in the brain, and not on the lips.
Maybe you can think of some related characteristics to laud when you’re with your wife. Honesty, integrity, supportive, etc.
Why expose that wound again after so many years? She’s likely in an emotionally fragile place already and I would be worried that she’d take it hard.
My wife and I haven’t been married as long as you, but I would say bring it up if you can do so respectfully to your MIL. The past shapes who you are today. As long as it isn’t a fight starter with the wife then she should be equally thankful to her mother for the life she has lived for the nearly half century you have been together.
I wouldn’t bring it up in front of others however.
This memory will probably be of little comfort to your wife. There’s no reason to start discussing an affair from 4 decades ago unless you’re trying to making your wife feel bad.
Either say a general ‘she was so supportive of our relationship’ or nothing.
Do not stir this up. Nobody benefits.
If you need someone to talk to about it, I would go with a trusted friend or professional. I think she would want you to keep moving forward and not cause bump in marriage if not needed and be happy, but if it’s still something that just hints at you a bit I’d get it off your chest somehow but in a different setting than with your partner.
“I owe her so much. I could have never had my marriage without her.”
If asked, “because my wife wouldn’t even be here, next to me without her.”
Your wife knows it more than you , no need to bring it up .
What are you trying to gain out of this ?
Oh yeah I remember honey
She died today…those are some big feelings.
My advice: There are two people in your marriage and your MIL isn’t one of them.
You’ve had 46 years of marriage. I don’t see any reason to bring up something that happened when you were engaged unless you’re still pissed at your wife and want to blow up/end your marriage. That may be the case for all we know…but using your MIL’s death to do that is scummy.
If you love your wife and want to stay in your marriage, and you’ve had 46 years with MIL…surely you have other ways you can remember/appreciate/eulogize MIL.
Are there existing issues in your marriage that make you want to bring up the past like this? I mean…that’s a thing if it’s a thing.
Yes, keep that to yourself! Your wife is in more pain than you will ever be in regards to this person. That was her mother, and your wife and her grief should be centered.
Pour out this particular feeling to a therapist or a trusted friend. Do not add a complicating layer to your wife’s feelings.
Just tell us. Don’t do this to her when her mom just died, please.
I’m sorry for your loss. Do not bring this up.
“Hey I know your mom just died but remember when you cheated on me?”
I don’t understand – why would you bring this up? You know it would only cause pain and guilt and it sounds like yall have moved on from the affair.
If you bring this up – that’s very selfish.
If you want to talk about it, talk about it with someone other than your wife.
Your darling wife just lost her one and only mother. Find something nice to say without potentially triggering your wife, or sounding bitter.
Why *would* you bring this up unless you’re trying to hurt your wife even more than she’s already hurting?
Did your marriage survive well despite the scars? Did your wife stay away from cheating after that? Is it something you talked through or was it rug swept?
All of these questions make a difference.
Don’t talk about the specific instance. Just say something like “I owe my life as it is today to her” and leave it at that
I am sorry for your loss.
Do you have no other endearing memories of your mother-in-law to share? You’ve known here for nearly 50 years (at least). If you must share anything with your wife at all, a simple “I appreciate how she always supported our marriage” is sufficient. No need to bring up specifics when your wife is dealing with the loss of her mother.
Please don’t bring this up.
What your wife did was wrong, but hear this from her side: “sorry your mom just died. She was great. Remember nearly 50 years ago when you cheated on me and she took my side?” Ouch. Let this one lie.
This is a weird post dude. In a sense, it can appear to be selfish for her to convince her daughter to stop cheating on her husband cuz it’s fucking embarrassing. Especially to that generation. It can be seen as self preserving to convince her daughter to avoid being left/divorced. I wouldn’t say shit.
Yes, keep it to yourself. It will only cause more pain. Not every thought needs to be spoken.
What would you hope to achieve?
I believe that honesty between husband and wife is the best.
Now is absolutely not the time. No way in hell.
One day months or years from now, you may want to talk about it to your wife if you feel like there are still unresolved issues. I say that because my grandma died a little over a year ago and my grandpa, to whom she was married for over 70 years, has just been fixated on a couple(?) affairs that she had many decades ago. He thought it was all in the past and no longer relevant, but it was never actually really talked about and now he longs for answers that he’ll never get. He had no idea he would feel this way, but now it eats at him. (Mostly he just blames himself. In truth they got married in their mid teens and shit was pretty fucked up for a long while, because of course it was. But he doesn’t look at it that way.)