I’m 36f husband is 44m. We have sex maybe every 4-5 months. We work opposite schedules. I do the inside chores and he does outside chores. I’ve talk to him multiple times about our sex life. The last time I spoke with him was Monday, today is Sunday. He said he’d do better so I thought Saturday night would be the night. Nope he just went to sleep. Saturday I wake up at 1 am so we can spend time together. I’m giving up. I don’t even want to have sex with other people but I am really missing the intimacy and feeling wanted. Idk how to handle this going forward
40 comments
Couples therapy
How is he doing mentally and physically? Is he overweight? Depressed? Stressed? Does he exercise? Is he masturbating?
Have you tried doing more chores?! /s
Initiate?
Has he been tested for low testosterone?
r/DeadBedrooms and r/deadbedroomsMD may be of some help.
This is a job for a therapist and or doctor not Reddit. Your husband not wanting intimacy is definitely hurting your relationship and you should talk to a couples therapist together, but there might also be undiagnosed illness there that is affecting his libido as well so he should see a doctor and get a full physical and lab panel done. He should be very specific with his doctor about his low sex drive as there could be many reasons for it.
Do not listen to rest of the advice you’ll get from this sub telling you to leave him, divorce, or cheat. Because i guarantee it’s coming.
At his age you should see a doctor, for him and for you both as a couple.
Have you let yourself go physically?
Male sexual attraction has absolutely nothing to do with chores and everything with your body
My wife went from 140lb to 170lb and I lost my desire to have sex with her. Amazing and loving woman in every way but I’m no longer attracted sexually.
Stop trying to have sex in the evenings. A lot of people simply have no sex drive if they’re the least bit tired. Me and my wife figured this out a few years ago, and I can’t remember the last time we had sex in the evening.
Also, not very romantic, but try scheduling sex. Then keep that schedule, even if one of you don’t feel like it; one of you can always pleasure the other one even if you don’t feel like intercourse. That way you still get the intimacy.
Are you two in shape? Have you let yourselves go?
What kind of physical shape are you in? Are you physically attractive or have you let yourself go? Be honest!
When did this start? Did it coincide with a life change?
I say this because my initial reaction is that it seems your husband may be working nights and he might not be handling it well. If he’s not sleeping well during the day, his hormones could just be tanking.
There are lots of things that could cause this change though, so that’s the first place I would look. If your sex life at one time was good, when did it change? What else changed during that period?
First place to start is talking to a doctor. Eliminate underlying medical causes (e.g. hormone levels, drug side effects, etc).
From what I’ve heard, 44 is around the time the plumbing down there starts acting funny. Could be ED or low testosterone, or a number of factors. Gotta have a firm conversation with him about what’s going on
Some of the responses in here are weird. When a dude posts the same problems about a lack of intimacy you tell him to move on, but when a woman does it she must have gained weight or let herself go 😂. Who hurt you guys?
How often were you having sex before this?
Sometimes it’s diet or health issues that can cause it to disappear. This sounds like he has an abnormally low libido.
Of course from my POV as a reader there is the possibility his libido is fine and he’s just spending that sexual energy elsewhere. You’d know better whether that could be the case or not.
If he genuinely has had no desire for sexual pleasure for months then I’d recommend he visit a doctor and get checked for low testosterone or a myriad of other potential issues that can cause loss of libido.
If it isn’t a health issue, then don’t make the mistake many others make, going try-hard mode for sex from him for a short period of time, then getting hurt when it doesn’t work. As much as people, including men, like to pretend their libido a switch, it really isn’t.
Sometimes a ‘serious discussion’ about how sex is a requirement for a happy relationship can help, but in some cases it’s like telling someone they need to eat more without doing anything to increase their appetite. Eating more is difficult when you aren’t hungry.
If there is no health issue regarding his libido, a discussion on how he thinks you could help it return might be useful.
My advice would be the following and is pretty gender neutral.
If you are relatively sexually aggressive, and keep his mind on fucking you more often, with flirtatious gestures, touching, texts, outfits, etc. without annoying him or seeming needy then you’ll improve your odds of getting him thinking about sex with you more. Over time that will become more normal for him again and may help his libido return.
Obviously doing the above without seeming needy can be a fine line to walk. Phrases like “I need you right now” are a no, and better replaced with phrases more like ‘I could so have you right now’, showing you you have desire, but you aren’t implying he’d be **failing** you by not fulfilling your **needs**. By making it a thing you describe as a want, not a need, you ease pressure on him and remove the reminder that this is actually a serious requirement for you.
i think maybe focus on activities that don’t need an erection.
Also, every time you have a serious conversation about anything expect it to remove some of his attraction to you. So do something to help it come recover.
How are his boners? If he’s got some erection problems, he might be embarrassed about that. Best thing to do is talk it out, and maybe there’s something he wants but doesn’t feel he can bring it up.
Everything gets boring after a while, even sex. Especially sex.
I lost my libido and most sexual function progressively into my 40s, then got hit with testicular cancer. Even without the cancer I was on track to be like your husband.
Loss of sexual function is inevitable for men as we age and sometimes it happens as early as our 30s or as late as our 70s. There’s a reason why viagra and other ED drugs are the best selling drugs in the world. There’s a reason why rhinoceroses are nearly extinct (their horns are a traditional remedy).
Women are used to the idea that sexual problems are things you talk to doctors about and get resolved. They’ve been going to their annuals, getting their paps, taking birth control, dealing with side effects, it’s pretty normalized in the female world that when you have sexual issues, you go to your doctor and get them resolved.
Men don’t have that, and sexual issues are steeped in shame and feelings of inadequacy. We don’t want to talk about it because our ability to have sex is linked to our sense of self-worth. Even trying to talk with him about it could make him shut down or get angry.
I know taking testosterone is kind of the cure-all fashion right now, but sometimes it’s really what is needed. But he needs blood tests to be sure it’s even the issue. Not all doctors take it seriously, and I personally had to change primaries to get proper treatment.
Other big factors can include bad sleep, sleep apnea (does he snore? Look at the long list of problems sleep apnea causes), obesity, lack of exercise, and so on.
Small acts of intimacy can go a long way, little touches and kisses, spending time together, and so on.
But honestly it’s not your problem to solve. He has to be willing to tackle the issue and take it seriously himself or it won’t get better.
He needs to talk to his doctor about this. For me, I went from wanting it every single day in my twenties, to about once or twice a week in my thirties, and now I’m more like your husband, not really caring much about it at all, and I’m perfectly fine only making something happen several times a year.
It’s not a thing for all men, but for a lot of us, when we hit our forties our libido plummets so low that we basically become what folks call “ace” and that’s a huge problem when partnered with somebody who still has an active sex drive. It’s a biochemical thing that we don’t really get a say in.
Of course, he could decide to do things for you to make you happy, which is basically an exact role reversal of how it typically plays out when the couple is in their twenties and thirties. That’s something that a couples counselor might be able to help with, especially if it’s the kind that will talk to you both individually as well as together.
Good luck. This is never an easy situation to solve. The meds that we have as a society have nasty, potentially life-ending side effects, so I personally won’t take them. I’d rather be alive with a low libido than to crave sex again while having my heart give out early.
Glancing over the other comments… it’s amazing to me how few people seem to have a clue how common this is, and how it’s usually a biochemistry thing and not a “you just need to think about it the right way” sort of thing…
Figure out why things happen or dont happen. Maybe he’s just tired or needs someone to get him going. Like everything has a reason, and it may not be as complicated as you think. Also, avoid emotional reasoning. Don’t take it personally . Like sex needs a mood and time , it’s a feeling and a drive. What’s making it so hes not getting in the mood?
Have you tried initiating?
Could it be the sex you are having isn’t fulfilling sex? Or your schedules are a barrier to connecting in a meaningful way? Do you actively talk about what you both like and don’t like? Sex is about intimacy and it doesn’t just happen when you decide to have intercourse. It’s in all the moments you take throughout the day that builds up to it. Do you routinely show affection throughout your day?
Have you tried initiating?
Why are you waking up at 1am for sex? I would be upset. Let me sleep.
Your man may be having issues with his little guy and is ashamed to admit it. Or a testosterone problem which is messing with his sex drive. It may not be a you issue but a him issue.
I’ve also seen it where the man is just bored with sex. Same position. Same place. Same style. Maybe try asking what his fantasy is? See if it’s something you’re willing to try.
Take a week vacation.
Relax, unwind, get close and connect again.
If no sex on vacay, its an issue.
If sex in vacay, then need to solve the stress/schedule issue at home when you get back
First things first, creating an environment and life for your marriage to be successful is where I’d review. Working opposite schedules and being two passing ships is not a way to do that. Can you guys work to adjust schedules or change jobs? Think longevity doing life together. Second, men don’t like to feel pressured to have sex but instead encouraged and believe it or not romanced. Creating opportunities for this would be a great place to start. Also, men love when women look and act sexy. If these types of things don’t heat things up, I’d follow the advice of checking testosterone and medication that could be negatively contributing.
IMO, “He said he’d do better” makes it sound like you’re nagging him into sex, which isn’t going to work long term on either gender. Making him apologize won’t make him feel attractive or attracted to you. I think it’s really about intimacy and feeling wanted for both genders. I bet you have frozen arguments and bad feelings towards each other. Try to have good quality time together that evolves into nonjudgmental deep conversations. And get sexual in those moments of course. There’s a reason people have makeup sex after arguments once they feel like they’re on the same page again.
He’s at the age when testosterone levels can become an issue. He needs to talk to a doctor. It can easily be something else but he should start with a doctor to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with him.
You guys should try and date again. Sex in the evening after work is not always the thing I guess. Spend a saturday afternoon together, a saturday evening dating..
Get his testosterone checked.
Have him ask doc to check his testosterone level. Mine dropped insanely low at 45 and I lost all interest.
A few weeks of injections and I was back to normal.
Have you tried connecting to him emotionally? Asking him how life’s going, generally listening and giving him a safe place to share? there is an under lying issue that needs to be addressed and just saying you want more sex is probably just adding to it because he feels like he is now failing at that too.
You’ve not responded to any of the comments regarding you physically. I can’t bring myself to hook up or get turned on by an overweight woman. Have you changed physically in a way that he may have lost attraction.
This acceptance / naïveté is the dumbest shit.
A lot of men in their twenties and 30s pushed for sex and after years of often rejection have given up and found peace.
Or ill suggest what the women usually to suggest, have you tried helping around the house?
Your responses indicate you don’t actually care about your husband. Do him a favor and leave him.
Before we can even talk about sexual intimacy… Miss you don’t even talk to your husband. Something has to give, because it sounds like if this marriage doesn’t change, it’s going to end.
You work opposite schedules. Change that. You never interact at chore time. Change that. You don’t talk for a full week even though you’re married and liev together. CHANGE THAT. There is a structural failure in your marriage. Maybe everything we are describing is a symptom. Maybe he set up his life to be away from you as possible for some other reason that we need to uncover so we can address.
As much as you could work this out together, I think ya’ll need couples therapy. Sit down together. Talk about what you’re feeling. What you want the rest of your lives to look like. If there is overlap, work to getting there. If there isn’t, reconsider everything.