I have a question for people with responsive sexual desire.
Do you really never experience "spontaneous" sexual desire?
How does that feel for you?
How long does it usually take you to respond?
Do you actually want your partner to be the one taking the initiative?
How does it work for you — like, once the other person starts initiating, do you then realize that you actually want it too? Or is it more that you just don’t feel like putting in the effort to initiate yourself?
And don’t you ever get random bursts of desire during the day?
For context: I have a pretty high sex drive, and at the beginning of my relationship it felt like my partner did too — sometimes I even felt like she was trying to seduce me. But after a year or two, that changed.
My partner, whom I truly love, has responsive desire. I try hard to understand it, but honestly it can be really tough. It’s exhausting to always be the one initiating. Even though I know this is how she works, I often end up feeling undesired, unattractive, and really sad. If I don’t initiate, months can go by without anything happening between us.
Sometimes it also feels like it takes her such a long time to respond, or that it requires so much effort from her, that I start to feel like I’m pressuring her — and that’s the last thing I want. In those moments, I end up feeling like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m some kind of creep, and it really hurts.
I love her deeply, but I’m struggling.
TL;DR: I (M30) have a high sex drive, my partner (F31) has responsive desire. At the start of the relationship she seemed more proactive, but after 1–2 years that faded. Now I always have to initiate, which leaves me feeling undesired, unattractive, and sometimes like I’m pressuring her — which I don’t want at all. Looking for insight from people who experience responsive desire.
Thanks for reading — I’d really love to hear your stories and any advice you might have.