I m a highschool senior. Despite being in my last year of school, I honestly dont like my school. Most people I have been with always excluded me and would make me feel like a complelte alien. I havent had long stable friends mainly because the people I would desperately try to hold on to simply never saw me as friends.
Now that I m a senior, I have some classmates that I consider friends. I like them all but I found out yesterday that not everyone feels the same. One of the girls I m close with at school told me that they didnt want me to feel bad so they didnt tell me that a month ago, but apparently one of the girls (M) was angry with my social media posts and they were sort of criticising me. This came off as a surprise because my ig stories arent meant to be taken seriously and I just never thought of them as people who'd judge me based on my stories.
This convo happened that day because at school, all of them sat together in one place and didnt leave out any space for me. I know sitting anywhere is fine. But they all specifically sat with their close friends and I didnt feel welcome at all. I had to sit far away and I was particularly sad too so I tried so hard to not cry. I have always felt lonely and leftout in school. I just didnt want to feel like this in my last year of school too. They got annoyed because I felt bad and started talking shit about me. 2 of the girls tried to change the convo but I could still hear the other 2 speak. I felt bad. I still do. M starts gaslighting me whenever I tell her I felt leftout because to her, I m overreacting and she wouldnt give a fuck if her close friend didnt keep a seat for her (that's a lie). yesterday, I just ended up spilling my thoughts to the 2 girls I m close with and they said they shouldnt have made me feel like that. M suddenly came in and started saying how it was long ago and I m still bothered about it.
M thinks I m too loud and dont listen to her. I also particularly am not fond of her anymore because I cant see her the same after she has justified fucked up things infront of me. I dont hate her however. But I find it so hard to accept that I m not liked by everyone. I dont want to interact with her that much anymore because she also genuinely doesnt care about me, along with her bestie. But yes, I m tired. How do I learn to not feel like an alien when I m alone at school. Please help