I’m financially responsible and disciplined, but I’m wondering if it’s even worth dating someone who’s the complete opposite- bad with money, impulsive, not a saver. Has anyone made this work, or is it just asking for long term stress?
*we’ve been dating for just under 6months… everything is going well but this has been on my mind a lot.. I’m in my early 30s, own my home, and could pay it off within a year, no other debts. He’s older, has a bigger mortgage, and other debts and isn’t very good with money
43 comments
No
It’s a trap. Don’t do it no matter how sweet the pie or lollipop is.
No. It is profoundly demotivating if you don’t share the same financial values.
It can be difficult. You need a complete separation of money, never combine any accounts. Even so, expect to possibly feel like you need to help if there’s an emergency.
I am bipolar and can be VERY irresponsible with money. When I’m not manic, things are pretty okay, but when I am yikes. I prefer to date men who are more financially responsible bc it will influence me to be financially responsible. Money management can be taught, but you are not responsible for doing the teaching. If you think s/he is mature enough to want to become financially literate AND they have all the other qualities that you’re looking for, have a conversation about it and see what happens. I would not write someone off in the beginning for this. Don’t go out and buy a home together or add him/her to your bank account/credit card.
No
This really depends on how much their financial habits affect your day-to-day life and whether they are willing to improve. Six months in, it might be worth having an open and calm conversation about your different approaches to money. Sometimes opposite styles can balance each other out if both people are willing to compromise, but if one person keeps spending impulsively and has no interest in changing, it can become a big source of stress down the line.
It might help to focus less on their current habits and more on whether they share similar long-term goals. If you both want the same future and can talk honestly about budgeting, saving, and priorities, there is a better chance of making it work. If they avoid the topic completely or dismiss your concerns, that is usually a sign of bigger problems later.
End it
I married someone like this. I went from a modest but slightly positive cash flow to a negative one that left me in debt for 23 years until the age of 51. (guess what? Your spouse can run up debt on their own and half of it belongs to you when you divorce).
Near the beginning, we were able to purchase a house. We lost it. I will probably never own one again.
The hardest part of all is seeing how this affected my child. He could’ve grown up with a different life. He would probably be in a different place today had he experienced something else growing up.
I should add, my ex-wife sounds worse than your dating partner . She declared bankruptcy twice after we split up, and if she was still able to get credit, I imagine it would’ve happened a third time.
Nope
How is this even a question? What do you think will happen? Why would ANYONE date someone who is a financial mess, and take the risk of getting into a relationship with them?
Long term stress most likely. People can be powerfully resistant to change.
Yes but I understand that it’s a risk and I might need to help them out sometimes. I’d keep finances separate. Prenup
Unless it’s gambling. No to gambling.
My ex is financially irresponsible, we made it work by keeping finances completely separate, her paying for her own stuff. I did bail her out of a pickle but she never paid me back, but the alternative would have been her not having a car anymore, way bigger headache than being out some money. I did give her some money here and there for gas but that was maybe $60 over the whole year we were together.
But that’s dating, not marriage, I’d never marry someone financially irresponsible. I’m also not trying to get married ever again.
People can change, so figure out if he is able and willing to do so. Don’t spend forever doing that though.
Talk to him about the possibility of a future together, if you want it. And the role money plays in making it happen. Encourage him when he does well. Expect minor setbacks and imperfection, but don’t tolerate bullshit excuses.
Explain he doesn’t have to change his behavior, but that the relationship likely will not go any further if you don’t have a shared vision for money
Yes. But I wouldn’t think long term. I’d also make sure to avoid being used as an ATM.
If they are willing to change and learn to be financially responsible then yes you can be with them, but you need to find out if they changed their behaviour before you get married
No. Relationships can workout with many differences, but differing financial opinions is not one of those differences.
One of the biggest causes of divorce. No
I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply and share their experiences and advice. Hearing all your perspectives has been extremely helpful
I just dumped my ex over this. So no. I didn’t realize he was so irresponsible until after we started dating (long distance). I’m over here working off paying my debts including my own home, got my priorities straight, etc. and I realized this man was over there living with his parents, saying he was going to move out in the next month but his actions were spending thousands on reptiles, crystals, and then the real “oh yeah, his actions aren’t matching what he says he’s gonna do” was him signing up for a 5k international trip in just a few months. I’m alllll about travel, I do it frequently myself but you need to have your priorities and be decently stable beforehand. Doing all that when you’re still living at mom’s house at 30 years old is crazy.
If you have your shit together, getting with a financially irresponsible man is only going to hurt your future. Recognize it now and end it.
Nope.
Don’t do it –
Did you have talks with him about this? You need to ask him if budgets and savings are something he would consider as it is important to you. You would like to see him being more responsible when it comes to money.
I married one and divorced him. My ex didnt believe in budgets at all and it ate me alive. I tried to be responsible but it was so hard when the other person wasnt on the same page. Resentment let to everything else that destroyed our marriage. Im single now but doing much much better financially then when i was with him. I would never agree to be with someone irresponsible again.
The problem is i knew he wasn’t on the same page and i still agreed to marry him…believing he would change. It didnt work with him. He was very stubborn. But this doesnt mean that your guy would be like mine. I didnt have proper boundaries when i started living with him.
I only wonder now what my life would have looked like today had i paid more attention to those things that bothered me with him from the beginning and be strong enough to end things with him back then.
Ok my ex-husband was a spender.
He would announce ‘I’ve organised to get the pond fixed, I won’t be able to pay my share of the mortgage for the next two months’ like the day before that month’s mortgage was due.
There was no discussion about how much he was spending on the pond (too much), the timing of it and whether it would be more sensible to save, then spend the money on the pond (not really a high priority).
It was stressful.
He did this with lots of things ‘oh I got a great deal …’.
It depends what you want to compromise on.
It’s a dealbreaker for me! I’m an older woman. I was married to a man who was irresponsible and it was very stressful. Been divorced for years and feel so much better. My nest egg and retirement are secure and I can sleep at night. Having a partner with compatible goals is important!
No, when I was younger I was financially irresponsible because I grew up with a parent who was an impulse shopper and bad with money. When I moved out on my own I started out with those habits and took on a lot of debt. It took a long time to break myself of those habits but I’m finally debt free and if I had a partner who was bad with money it would drive me nuts. I just want a stable partner.
I did that and never again. Nope. Have your finances in order.
Hell no
I could care less what my SO does with their money until things devolve into asking me for money all the time
I’m not dating a gal for her wallet, she shouldn’t be dating me for mine
But I’m also not going to link up with someone that’s got crazy debts and living paycheck to paycheck asking me to help them out
No, never. Financial problems are one of the bigger reasons for a relationship’s failure.
Whatever debt he incurred prior to meeting you are his. Best to get him financially responsible before getting serious.
I wouldn’t, because I know it’s going to end over money, particularly *my* money. XD
Seriously though, keep all your finances separate and hopefully you aren’t living together in a state/country where common law marriage is a thing. If all that is good, then I guess enjoy the ride while you can? Otherwise you’re both just wasting each others’ time.
Opposites attract…some are good at making money and others are good at spending it…it’s ideal when both types get together…it won’t matter the richer you are. .if you’re broke shouldn’t be dating…
If they are in 100k in debt, not from student loans then no
Nooo definitely not. The reason being using usually the financially irresponsibility behaviour is a reflection of something underlying and they haven’t resolved it or sorted it out within themselves.
Also these sort of people have the use your cliché phrases and mantras they quote to justify their irresponsible behaviour which will eventually grind you down if they getting themselves into avoidance situations and problems.
A little bit of debt that they were working on wouldn’t be the end of things (Say less than $10,000), but anything more would be an issue. Financial compatibility does matter, even if you’re not pooling all your money together. Personally, as someone debt free (no loans), I would be too irritated by wasteful/irresponsible spending.
Use your brain. Just use common sense. Its not hard
Just asking for misery.
I did. Huge mistake. It wasn’t a sustainable relationship. I was the financially responsible one and he wasn’t. He also had a mortgage that he couldn’t afford, tons of debt and zero savings, but would always brag that he was a homeowner. I was a renter, but had a huge savings and investments and zero debt.
Run before you become more emotionally invested. I didnt and now im too attached to let him go. I tried to help him be responsible and pay down his debt and in return he just spent more money and with his improved credit he financed a newer more expensive truck. It doesn’t get better
Absolutely not
Nope. Simple.
Fuck no, even with a prenup or seperate finances or whatever, they aren’t in the same stage of life as you and will pull you down with them.