I'm 45F, still legally married but separated over a year. We don't live together and will NEVER be a couple again (too much trust lost, addiction, financial stuff). We have a young kid, so I need my corporate life insurance to cover him, so it's unlikely we'll get legally divorced soon.

I'm seeing this great guy now and am completely upfront about my situation and he seems cool, unthreatened by it. I want to keep it that way. Husband and I co-parent well so I have to see him often and he fixes stuff in the house.

Has anyone had a successful relationship while your partner was still legally married to someone else? Did anything make a difference to make you feel secure?

Or if you're relationship was not successful, could you share pitfalls I should be aware of, or why and what would have made a difference?

Just want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to be open and not inadvertently creating space for doubt.

(For context, 6 months ago I thought it would be trashy/ick , bad example for my kid, if I had a BF and a Husband. My therapist helped me see it differently.)


5 comments

  1. I don’t really have much advice to give as this isn’t territory I’m familiar with, but what’s with the husband coming over to fix stuff in the house? I suppose if I were the guy in this situation that part might make me a little uncomfortable. I dated a guy where he didn’t have children with his ex, but they were together six years and engaged before they split, and she would ask him to help her with stuff for her computer or money, and I found it inappropriate. Maybe having kids makes this a whole lot different but being married still and also having him do husband duties seems a little much to me personally. I guess if the guy hasn’t cared or said anything though, I could be entirely wrong here.

  2. I mean, just pay for a separate life insurance policy that covers him and finalize the divorce. It’s not illegal to do so in most places, but double check your local laws just in case. You can literally cover almost anyone with life insurance. And it doesn’t have to be any expensive type of whole life coverage. Just get a cheap term life policy and cover him until your kid turns 18, or whenever you feel secure about him not dying from whatever irrational decision he might make, and cancel it. Honestly, it’s a very responsible thing you’re doing, but it’s also leaving you open to a lot of liability by not divorcing him.

    You should probably confer with a lawyer, if I’m being honest. A paid consultation is probably worth the cost of admission – since free divorce consultation is disappearing little by little, if it isn’t already gone. I got divorced 18 years ago and was able to find free consultations, but my sister going through one now has had to pay for the several she had.

    But you know what they say about divorces being expensive…it’s because they’re worth it.

  3. You’re staying married due to corporate life insurance covering the husband you’re separated from? Does he not have an option to get life insurance either from his work or from a third party provider?

  4. I mean you’ve already found a man, which is the hard part. Me personally would avoid that situation as I’d have questions about how separated you really are if you’re still married. Beyond that I just think you need to stay open with communication and for them to as well

  5. Yeah honestly, I understand the co-parenting part, but it sounds like you and your ex husband might be a little to close still. If I was dating a divorced woman, I would definitely want some clear lines drawn between her and her ex.

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