Hey Everybody,
I joined this subreddit a month or two ago, at the time, I was on the back foot, a gal I had been talking to had ghosted me. I was REALLY into that girl at the time and was absolutely devastated, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still hoping things could work out, but I've been doing a lot of self-improvement, and whether or not I ever see her again isn't the world ending Ragnarök that I felt it was in the past. As I just mentioned, I've been through a ton of self-improvement recently, I've still got a ways to go, but I've crossed some hurdles recently and I wanted to share some stuff that might be of help to a lot of people on here. This is gonna be a bit of a read, so strap in if you're interested.
A lot of people in this subreddit, myself included for a time, get really bent out of shape when someone doesn't like us, or rejects us. I've seen a lot of people say things like, "I just love so deeply," or, "I'm just not cut out for this modern heartlessness." Everyone is different, so your background may be rooted in something different than mine, but usually, the pain of someone rejecting us tends to be rooted in insecurity, and not the claimed, "pain of a pure heart." In my case, I realized that I was a real control freak, and that control was an effort to protect my insecurities. I spent a great deal of my energy each day, trying to be what I thought would get people to like me, both day to day people I'd encounter, and love interests. If I met a girl I liked, I'd romance the hell out of her, I'd figure out what she liked and really try to conform to what I thought would get her to like me. This was exhausting and always failed, trying to be someone else has a shelf-life that lasts around as long as you have the strength to keep being someone you're not. When you try to control other people's perceptions of yourself, you end up controlling yourself as well. This is something that has been plaguing me my entire life, but I never broke through and figured it out until now.
I think too many people try too hard to be someone they're not in dating, too many people are afraid to let go of the control and be who they are, and that really hurts you in two ways. First off, you can't be you, you're stilted and uncomfortable, you don't get to show your best side to people, you come off generic. This also hurts your chances during that stage when your interest is shopping through multiple opportunities. Secondly, it gives life to relationships that should not be, if you aren't really the person you make yourself out to be, you'll pair up for a while with someone who isn't cut out for you. You'll end up having a fun time with someone who isn't going to work long term, and be devastated when things fall out in the end. If you'd have just been real, you both might realize you aren't meant to be, and you can both move on to people that work better. That last point may sound kind of dreary to some, but in my experience, hard conforming to try and make something work, is a sign that you don't really love and respect who you are. If you don't get that sorted, your life is going to suck. I'm working on fixing that now, from the small progress I've made in recent days, my life is so fulfilling and full of happiness that I usually found short lived in the past. This leads very nicely into the next point.
I see a lot of people in this subreddit, bemoaning the adage, "take some time off and learn to love yourself." If that line bothers you, then you need to do just that. I've had an immense amount of peace this week after these recent discoveries of my trying to control people's perceptions to cover my insecurities. I'm currently taking a break to recoup and rebuild after that little breakup. I want to and plan on continuing to date in the future, but I have hit a point recently of "self-love" that I haven't had before. I want someone in my life, I don't want to be alone, I want a life partner to share this journey with, but I also respect myself enough now, that I know that if I don't find someone who works with me, that I'm going to be okay. I've been going to therapy since this whole ordeal went down and I've really zeroed in on my need to be authentic, that journey has led me to appreciate who I am as a person. I realized that I judged myself, and others, so harshly in the past. We are all human beings, we all deserve happiness and meaning. Life isn't a horror movie, we don't need to just survive, its okay to go out and have fun for the sake of fun, life doesn't have to be so dreary. When you realize all of that, you suddenly respect yourself more, you take an interest in yourself more. I now have meaning in my life, born from within myself, and I don't need other people's approval for this. These realizations have given my life meaning, and while I want a companion, my freedom of self is so wonderful, that I'm willing to go solo if I don't find someone who works with me.
All of this really changes your view on life and dating. When you embrace yourself, when you realize that you are who you are and it doesn't matter, nor can you control, what others think of you. It takes you out of a desperate place of basically begging the dating scene for whatever it will toss to you. You can make demands and realize when someone probably isn't a great fit for you. This doesn't mean you're perfect, we are all flawed, but self-reflecting, and deciding to change something because you believe that change is good, is totally different from the desperation of a whipped dog, desperate for its master's praise. So yeah, take some time off and fix yourself, love yourself a little. I know this isn't easy, the last month or two have been a nightmare of anxiety and depression for me as I've waded through the chaos of rejection. I know my journey isn't over, I know I may slide back occasionally, but I'm breaking through to something new and I'm learning that things don't have to keep being the way they have been. You don't have to keep looping through the same pain, you don't have to keep playing this lousy game. There is hope.
That's gonna be it for now, if you got this far, thanks for your time, I hope this was helpful. The journey to true self-love and a meaningful life is definitely not easy. Like the title of this post, its a light in the dark, a light of hope, and a light that exposes your own pain that must be addressed in order to get to somewhere better. The beginning is always tough, especially if you're reeling from the pain of rejection. I have a mantra that has helped me through these times, "one foot in front of the other." If you need to go get something in your house, you walk to that thing. You may not want that thing, but if you just walk towards it, you'll get there. If you're standing in a shadowy place, and you see the light, walk towards it, even if you don't feel like it. If you seek self-improvement, you will not always feel like doing the work, but if you do what must be done each day, regardless of your feelings, you will continue to make forward progress. Its one foot in front of the other, how you feel doesn't cancel out what you know. Thanks for reading, I know this was a little personal, but I've seen such a change in my life recently and I wanted to share it. Hopefully this helps some of you on this journey and spreads some light on the way.