I (26F) have two friends, A (26F) and B (25F), that I’ve known since high school. We all live in different cities now, but for my birthday I usually plan a get-together so we can spend the weekend together.
For the last few years, my fiancé (29M) has usually joined us on these weekends. Since drinking is typically involved, he’d act as our chauffeur and drive us around. He’s mentioned before that it hurts him to see the way my friends talk to me, but I’ve always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, hoping maybe he was wrong. This year, though, he didn’t come with us — and it really opened my eyes to how draining the dynamic actually is.
For context, I’m engaged and getting married next year — something they both know. During my birthday weekend, though, I just found myself getting really annoyed with them. They kept making anti-marriage comments like “men are demons who steal women’s life forces” or “married women don’t live as long.” Both are children of divorce, so I tried to be understanding at first, but it went on and on. It felt dismissive and rude, especially when I’m about to get married.
What really got under my skin was that right after these spiels, they were asking me when my bachelorette would be. I didn’t feel like arguing on my birthday, but I was definitely annoyed.
On top of that, whenever I tried adding to conversations — if it wasn’t something they were into, the conversation just… died. It felt like I wasn’t really allowed to talk about my life updates or interests. Most of what we talked about was either rehashed high school stuff or whatever they cared about.
Logistics-wise, neither of them have cars, so this year I was the designated driver. Overall, I felt like I was just supposed to shut up and go along with everything. They’d pick what restaurants they wanted to go to without telling me, they wanted to go to a cat cafe and I was the one who had to pay. The cat cafe was $80+ for an hour and somehow I was the one who had to pay. They venomed me later but only because I directly asked them to.
It hit me that this has been a pattern since high school. Back then, they were more openly unkind — B used to make jokes about my chest size (I’m skinny/athletic while they’re plus-size, and I assumed it came from insecurity). A was more of a “pick me” girl but stopped making digs after we graduated. Still, during my birthday weekend, A basically co-signed everything B said, even though it was clear I was uncomfortable.
Because we’ve been friends so long, I don’t feel comfortable fully cutting them off. I’m very close with A’s mom and family. My plan is to just distance myself for now. But here’s where I’m stuck:
Would it be wrong if I didn’t invite them to my bachelorette party? I have other friends who have been much more supportive and excited for me, and I honestly don’t want that energy there.
TL/DR:
Been friends with A (26F) and B (25F) since high school, but they’ve always been a little unkind/negative toward me. For the last few years, my fiancé has usually joined our birthday weekends to chauffeur us around, and he’s told me it hurts him to see how they speak to me — but I kept hoping he was wrong. This year he didn’t come, and I really noticed how bad it was: they made nonstop anti-marriage comments even though I’m engaged, shut down conversations about my interests, and left me feeling like the group driver. I realized this dynamic has always been one-sided with me as the “glue.” I’m planning to distance myself but unsure if it’s wrong not to invite them to my bachelorette, since I’d rather celebrate with people who actually support me.