I (22F) moved to my boyfriend’s (21M) state about 4 months ago, leaving behind my family, friends, and job. We met online in September 2023 and have been together since October of 2023. For a while we did long distance, visiting each other and meeting halfway. At the beginning of 2025, we started talking about living together. He’s in the military reserves and told me he couldn’t transfer to a base near me, so the plan was for me to move in with him and his mom temporarily until we got our own place in 2–3 months.
Fast forward to now—he admitted he can’t afford to move out because of “college,” except he hasn’t actually been going to school and has been lying to his mom about it. He has a stellar car payment but puts his money towards video games (excessive amounts up to around $400 in a single day) and insists he doesn’t want to live paycheck to paycheck, which I understand.
His mom is extremely toxic and controlling. She yells at us, calls us lazy, and constantly belittles us, even though we mow the lawn twice a week, vacuum daily, and clean regularly. She made a chore chart, threatens to fine us $20 for chores she claims she had to do herself, and even got us a puppy. Every time the dog has an accident, she has a meltdown and says we’ll be responsible for replacing her entire floor (~$15k). She’s also wished her illness on her son, saying she hopes he gets it so he knows how bad she feels.
It gets worse—when she demanded his grades, he stalled because he was planning to fake them. Since she’s still joint on his bank account, she withdrew everything except $40 and told him it would stay that way until she saw proof.
Over Labor Day weekend, I went back home (an 8-hour drive) and had the most peaceful, stress-free time with my family. Coming back here made me realize just how bad things have been. Within less than 24 hrs later she started yelling again, slamming things, and treating us like kids. I had already told my boyfriend the night before that if she started up again, I’d be done.
So now, I’ve put in my two weeks at my job here, got my old job back at home, and am looking at moving trucks. My boyfriend didn’t argue—he just said he knew he couldn’t change my mind.
I’m honestly heartbroken. I moved here because I wanted to be with him every day, but I cannot live with his mother anymore. There’s no real hope of us moving out soon, and he doesn’t seem willing to follow me. He just tunes out her behavior while I can’t handle it anymore.
We’re staying together, but it means going back to long distance (8 hours apart). I’m devastated about not seeing him every day, but everyone in my life says it’s his turn to pursue me now. I have talked to him about multiple opportunities for him down where I am from, with my own parents being generous enough to offer to let him stay with us for as long as we needed to get our own place.
I am just heartbroken and don’t know how to feel.
TL;DR: Moved states for my bf in the military. His mom is toxic, controlling, and unbearable. I’m moving back home and we’re going long distance again, but I’m heartbroken he doesn’t seem to want to follow me back down, insisting he will “think about it.”