This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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31 comments
Forgot to respond on the last thread but hypothetically, if you match with someone, chat for a bit, then ask them on a date, and they say want to chat more before committing to a date…how would you respond to that? Would you immediately assume they aren’t interested?
The few matches I have gotten have all tried to ask me out on a date within the first 3 messages, and I pretend to be busy for the rest of the week to give me some extra time to get to know them through text. But I’m not liking having to lie. If saying directly is not considered rude, I would prefer to tell the truth.
Hit a wall after getting the “just a friends vibe” text yesterday, the morning following what felt like a really great second date. That’s the same text I send to people when I don’t feel chemistry. So I knew that was the reason. And I understand, I’ve been there. Sadly, I did feel chemistry, for the first time in a long time. I nuked my dating app. No pause. No delete the app off my phone temporarily. I completely removed my profile. I knew it wasn’t just disappointment about this one person not working out; instead, I was feeling the disappointment of 3 years of people and situations not working out. Many that I ended, many that were ended on me. I’m so fucking tired. This realization came crashing down on me that I’m not anyone’s first thought. Nobody in my life puts me first. I have such an amazing support system of friends and family, but they all have partners, or a friend who they are closer to than me. It’s just me – and damn, that’s a lonely realization. A lonely reality.
I have a good life. I have things going on. But my love life is an absolute mess, and always has been. I’m worried that I’m not built for relationships. How is it possible to crave one so badly, yet be completely terrified of it at the same time? I know in my heart that I’m not in a place where I could possibly attract the right person because of all the fear I feel. I don’t even know what I want so why would anyone trust me enough to stick with me? I just don’t know where, or how to begin. Thank you for reading and allowing me the vent my thoughts and sadness into the void today.
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Vent: I’m having a really hard time wrapping my head around the age old “if they wanted to they would”. I’ve always considered myself smarter than this, but he got me and I am REALLY struggling to get past it. He wasn’t ready for a relationship (with me), he had too much going on but didn’t want to end it between us. Like an idiot, I believed him when I knew better. I made excuses in my head for him. Then he cheated. That became a whole relationship real fast, with her and her kids. Now he has a whole ass family and I’m over here feeling all the things. I know better! If he wanted to he would, and he did! Just not with me. UGH, I am just so over feeling this way. I hope it’s ok to post this here. Thanks.
I just got into my first relationship at 30 two days ago. I started liking him and he asked me out. I said yes but want to take it slow.
But holy shit my anxiety is through the roof. I haven’t eaten in a day. I started to feel the anxiety the day before he asked me out, because his signs of liking me back skyrocketed that even thick-as-a-brick me noticed.
We chatted and I was upfront about my lack of experience and wanting to taking things slow. But I already feel it’s too fast. He wants to hang out all the time. All we do is cuddle and hug, but even that feels like we went from 0 to 100.
We were friends for years before he asked me out. But I’m terrified to ruin everything we had. I’m terrified to hurt him because I’m not sure if I can offer the same amount of reciprocal affection back (I’m not built for it).
Everything I’ve read online says this means he isn’t the one? But I had a previous “we might be interested in each other” and the moment it became real I shut it down.
I feel awful. I’ve wanted a relationship for so long and now that I’m in one I immediately feel like I will feel better if I dip out… Hell, I even really liked him and had fantasies about marrying and stuff. Then it became real and I’m scared of the change.
It’s weird to finally be dating at ~30, because some song lyrics hit differenly for the first time, including lyrics you’ve listened to since you were a teenager, that themself were written by a teenager.
I don’t mean love or anything big, but just the small emotions and warmth that comes from being in the same space with someone you like with the knowledge that there’s atleast some mutual interest. Like I’ve never built anything with anyone, so a lot of lyrics were just lyrics. And now they are expressing some feelings I relate to that I hadn’t even processed yet lol. Wild.
If I accept the match on hinge, am I the one expected to say something first? I’m getting a lot of likes with no comment but feel like they should throw out the opening line if they asked me to connect? Many guys just never say anything though
[update to this](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1n6oref/comment/nc3gobq/?context=3&utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) – this is a long one.
i broke it off yesterday and said that if our circumstances change down the line, i’d be open to reconnecting. we talked on the phone and he said that after i told him that i was only seeing him (i wanted to be exclusive) he thought that something was missing, but he couldn’t name what. it was intangible. he said it was after that conversation, but not because of it. he also said that our date this past weekend was just a lot of fun and some of the most fun he’d had, and i agreed, it really was a wonderful date.
he said that he had been feeling this way for a minute (we had that conversation at the beginning of august). he ended the phone call with “good luck with everything going forward.” the finality of those words gutted me… i guess i am sad that i am grieving the hope of a relationship, but also the hope of a potential reconnect in the future.
he then sent me a text late last night that said i’m amazing and wonderful and i deserve someone who can give me absolutely everything i want. and that his feelings aren’t a reflection of me. he’s sorry he can’t be that person. he wishes he felt differently, but he doesn’t. he hopes i find someone who deserves me and i’ll find happiness with.
i responded saying thank you for the kind words and that i’m happy this past saturday showed that he and i were getting really comfortable with each other and we genuinely had a lovely time with each other. it means a lot to me and that kind of intimacy doesn’t come around often.
and THAT final message made me even more sad. like he was just shutting the door on any future reconnection. i’m really sad. and i feel like i need to keep dating others and keep trying to find my person, but trying to do this while grieving is really hard.
and i guess i had this goal at the beginning of the year that i’d meet my person and by the holidays this year, we’d be introducing each other to our families, spending holidays, etc. and i’m sad that that’s not going to happen for me, too. my siblings and their partners are going out of town for NYE and i opted not to go, because i thought i’d be spending it with my love. well, that’s not happening. and i guess i’m sad that it’s not happening. and that now i’ll be going out of town and be surrounded by people and their partners.
just a lot of despair, woe is me, pity party.
Do you crave *romance* in your life? What does that look and feel like to you?
I think this is what I’m going to say to my partner, either tonight/tomorrow on the phone or in person friday. I want to get it over with sooner but I know doing it in person would be better.
“About seven years ago, while my first relationship was ending, I started seeing someone else before it was officially over, so I cheated at the end of that relationship. At the time, I was at the height of my addiction which had a huge impact on my judgment. The relationship itself was already unhealthy and dying, but none of that excuses what I did. It’s by far the worse thing I’ve done and the guilt from that experience was what pushed me to get clean and start making serious changes in my life. I’m not proud of my actions, but I’ve learned from them. It’s not something I’ve ever done again, and it never will be.”
His remarks a few days ago that once a cheater always a cheater and that only idiots marry cheaters have made me realize I need to tell him this. He has already said he loves me. I had filed it away in my brain as a painful part of my past that I resolved in getting clean. But I understand that doesn’t matter to a lot to people. I feel like this will forever change how he sees me regardless of who I am today. I guess I deserve that. I feel undeserving of love
I love knowing he gets his best sleep when he’s with me. But is it me or my bed? We might finally find out.
We’ve been seeing each other since last November and I’ve never been over to his place. His reasons were good enough but, reasonably, I’m a little bothered at this point.
He just moved somewhere he’ll be comfortable having me over, but there are cats. I’m allergic to cats. So I guess we’ll see if I ever try spending the night, and if it is me who is his magical sleep fairy✨ and not just my comfy bed.
Update on my crush, I don’t think he likes me, texted to say hi and he texted back hours later with no follow up question. I was about to confess my feels and now I feel like I’m reading the room and the room is… not interested.
I (34M) met a girl (34F) and after couple weeks, we decided to go exclusive.
We haven’t had sex but we did hold hands and lightly kissed.
To me, we are going a bit quickly and I worry that the relationship will get cold as quickly as it got hot.
What are some advices to keep a relationship firm and strong in such situations?
Im kinda shocked at the divorce thread. Like I do think you gotta ask them more questions, but I think alot of people have dead marriages and their current relationship is just logistics, so I tend to think most people going through a divorce are emotionally ready to date someone else and thus I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt
Guy I’ve been dating for two months is great in person but then can be hot and cold over text. We see each other around 1x a week. This past weekend he was really warm with texting and then today it’s off and one word answers. Should I be taking this personally? It makes me question things and I can get in my head but idk if I should ignore it or not.
I need to rant.. i sound like a spoiled child. After 5 years of no-dating I got into the dating apps again. Unfortunately a month later I had an unpleasant experience but nothing uncommon: texting with a guy, getting ghosted me not knowing what happened, whatever..
now I got asked out a few times again but i just can’t get excited because it feels too rushed. Like two texts and the third they ask me to meet them. On one side it makes sense: why “waste” time on texting when one can meet and see if how the vibes are. On the other hand I kinda dont wanna meet anyone where I get 0 excitement. I wish to have a tiny bit of conversation before I meet up for a date.. am I too oldschool? Is this how dating is today?
I’ve hung out with a guy friend a few times on our own. There’s some energy between us but there are also some possible incompatibilities. So far everything has just been easy going and slow paced so it seemed fine to me. He hit me with a “I really miss you” text the other night when it had only been 4 days since we saw each other. He then apologized if it was too much. I said it is a little much but can we talk about it? I asked him how he’s feeling. No reply for over 24 hours. I was on the fence of giving it a shot but not if it’s going to be like this.
3 months with my gf. It’s been great. Aside from some challenges like her kids father pestering her for little things. I don’t get involved, she just tells me about it. She’s also going through a rough path financially. She’s better with money for me but since her kid is enrolling in sports at school it’s kind of straining for her.
She hasn’t asked me to help or anything, I’d be willing to. But we’ll get there one day. She’s very independent, and it’s going to be an adjustment for her to allow someone else to help. We are very grounded though, as this situation doesn’t put our relationship into turmoil. I told her I’d support her through whatever be it emotionally or financially. All in all, it’s still great.
Is this a reasonable progression of goals?
Wanted LTR my whole life. Then was willing to accept FWB.
Now I think I’d be fine with platonic.
Posted here a few times over the last 3 months. Was talking to a girl but her living situation was making it so hard to meet (very complicated but I understand the issues, so I was patient with her). I was so up and down about whether or not she actually liked me. I’d try to flirt but she didn’t seem to engage. Her way of “flirting” was sending over 50 screenshots of our astrology compatibility haha (something she’s very into and I’m learning about)
Just last weekend I planned a concert for us, our 3rd date in 3 months. I still wasn’t even sure she’d be able to go.
But she did! We had an amazing time, she kept thanking me for taking her. And she was very smooth in asking for the first kiss (turned into a makeout, guess there was pent up energy haha). So that was a nice surprise and we held hands after the show.
Dropping her off at her place we made out for a long time in my car. There’s a tonnnnn of chemistry. We even hung out the next day, watching a documentary at her place and we made out again. She’s going to give me a massage this weekend (it’s her job). It seems she’s just not very direct when she’s texting but in person she’s anything but subtle. Couldn’t pick up on that since we’d only met 2 times before.
We have another concert planned for October, it’s her favorite artist and she’s never seen her live. I’m excited for that! I’ve already listened to the setlist multiple times. Glad to finally have a positive update, normally I’d be posting because I was anxious or needed advice
Would any of the ladies be willing to review my hinge profile via dm?
I’m struggling pretty bad today. I feel like my expectations aren’t that high when it comes to the men I date but each one seems to bring nothing but disappointment. I just want someone that wants to hang out with me. I don’t care about looks, height, salary, none of that. Just want a best friend and it feels impossible lately.
Been reconsidering my approach to physical intimacy. Realizing maybe I’ve veered too far in the cautious, guarded, wait-until-we’re-basically-in-a-relationship direction in recent years.
Definitely glad I moved towards that direction and away from college style hookup culture where most my relationships in early 20s started with jumping into sex, but now I’m seeing how maybe I’ve overcorrected a bit.
In late 20s and 30s, I had several relationships start where I took the approach of really getting to know a guy for weeks to months before having sex, and with those I see a pattern of me over prioritizing a few rare qualities I’m seeking but remaining at least a little uncertain about our overall compatibility maybe a small flag or two like a bit of a power dynamic vibe even before the sex question, still learning to fully trust myself and feel safe to trust others, some element of sunk-cost fallacy leading to well might as well see how the sex is. And ultimately continued power dynamic issues that the waiting to have sex thing added to.
So I’ve clearly swung from one side of the spectrum to the other, and after learning lessons from both sides, neither are where I want to be now.
I’m hopeful I can find a middle ground…I almost said approach but I think having “an approach” has been part of the problem. I just want to go with what feels right in the specific circumstance and trust myself to feel.
I’m curious if anyone else has changed their “approach” over time or can relate?
I developed a crush. Someone punch me in the face please.
I really wish I had someone to hold, to kiss, to cuddle with. But I can’t find anyone I’m compatible with long term, and I’m not hot enough to get any interest for anything short term or casual.
Reading through “Attached” has been pretty eye opening, to say the least. Any other book recs for a slightly anxious attached person like me? Not looking to obsess over this stuff, but I need some more tools for the tool belt and it feels good to be reading again.
Went out in my lifelong friend’s boat this weekend with him, his girlfriend, and a girl he’s been talking about getting me to meet for a couple years that happens to be one of his good friends and also his girlfriend’s best friend. We’re all 34 years old, all never married or had kids.
We were in the boat for about 3 hours just cruising around town, listening to music, chatting etc. For the first hour or so the girl seemed like she wasn’t all that interested, she sat on the other side of the boat, didn’t really talk directly to me etc. However after about an hour, she comes over, sits right next to me, starts talking a lot to me and rubbing my neck, back, arms etc. very touchy for basically nonstop 2 hours.
After we leave we my friend drives us all to a brewery and we go get dinner. She kept saying to me that she wanted to go to a different bar and wanted me to take her, but I said no we’re good here, if you want to go then go. She stays and we leave after like an hour, then my friend dropped me off home first. I said goodbye to everyone and left, this was around 10pm.
At 12am she texts me (my friend gave her my number, I didn’t). The following is our convo:
Her: Did you get home ok?
Me: You all dropped me off 😂.
Her: Suck a dick bro
Me: 😂 I’m just glad you’re alive after you almost drowned (she jumped off the boat and disappeared at one point for a minute causing a slight panic).
Her: I was alive
Her: rude
Her: You wouldn’t be laughing if you were drowning in this p****y
Me: Props, that’s a bar (we both like rap)
Her: yeah I set the bar high. That’s what that mouth do
Me: Prove it
Her: You ain’t here
Me: wya
Her: your friends house
Me: You want me to fall through?
Her: No you stay home
Me: Aight get some sleep. I’ll hyu later.
Her: Goodnight
Her: Okay
My friend told me the next day she was 100% dtf but didn’t think I would pick her up so said she was just going to go to bed.
Next day I text her at 4pm: Hi Amy, had a fun time yesterday and it was nice to see you after hearing so many (good!) things. Would love to grab something to eat later this week if you’re available.
My friend texted me a little later and asked if I had talked to her today and I told him what I sent and he was excited.
Wait a couple hours and still no response from her. Wait the whole next day and still no response. It’s now more than 48 hours and nothing.
I texted her one more time this afternoon a silly text about a song she had showed me on the boat, and she hasn’t responded to that either. I know, you shouldn’t double text but I waited two days and wanted to make sure she knew she wasn’t an afterthought to me because I hadn’t been as touchy as she was etc during the boat day.
I’m so confused. She was clearly into me and we have a mutual friend so I’m not some rando from online, so I’m pretty annoyed she hasn’t even had the decency to say “hey sorry, it’s not gonna work out” or whatever.
Am I cooked? Obviously I’m not going to text her again unless she texts me but I just don’t understand what went so bad that she ghosted me all of a sudden.
Have a first date with a guy with a kid tomorrow, which is new territory for me. I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the past few months and no longer think it’s a dealbreaker for me (and could actually be nice, as I do really like kids and used to nanny – just don’t want one of my own!) Of course, it has to be the right situation (financially stable, no baby mama drama, etc.)
What questions should I ask him about his child/parenting dynamic to get a better picture of whether our futures might be compatible? Obviously, it’s a first date so I don’t want to go too deep, but also don’t want to waste either of our time if it’s not a fit. What’s appropriate?
Work has been absolutely killer these past few weeks but I managed to get a date in for tomorrow, surprisingly! And right after my therapy appointment too. I don’t have high hopes we’ll go anywhere and also my skin is bad right now due to stress, but I am going to try to stay positive and keep things lighthearted.