Of course, friendships require effort from both sides, but I don't think friendships should feel like hard work. I want to be a good friend, but I'm struggling with this because I feel like I'm both the friend who puts in too much effort and not enough effort.
For context, I'm 30f, and all of my close friends are long distance at this point. I see them in person about once per year on average (give or take depending on which friend). With some friends, the friendship feels easy. We chat when we feel like it, exchange regular texts, and generally keep up with each other. I have two friends, however, who I can never seem to find the right balance with.
My first friend – let's call her Sandra – has been one of my best friends since middle school. We were in each other's weddings, and I see her in person more regularly than most other friends because she lives a little closer. We both have busy lives, but I really make a point to reach out to her, see her in person when we are in the same area, and be there for her when she's going through things. This year, however, I've been having a really rough time due to a variety of personal circumstances and she just isn't there for me. She'll leave me on read for days or even weeks, and sometimes she never even acknowledges the things I try to talk with her about. On the other hand, I make a point to respond as quickly as possible when she reaches out to me with something she's struggling with because I want her to know I'm there for her. This dynamic has left me feeling dejected and a bit abandoned, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm being overbearing since I know she is also having a rough year.
My other friend – let's call her Martha – is a close friend from college who lives on the other side of the country. We have kept up over the years mostly through a group chat, but often I feel overwhelmed by her friendship. She likes to have long phone calls that she typically asks to schedule about one per month where we talk through what's going on in life. I generally dread scheduling them because I know it's going to take up my whole evening and leave me feeling socially drained. On the other hand, Martha has always been a good friend and when I think about it, having a monthly phone call where we catch up doesn't seem like that much to ask of someone who you care about.
Am I being overbearing to Sandra while being a bad friend to Martha? How do I know I'm putting enough effort into a friendship? Does anyone else struggle with this?