Men – Why do the men I date seem to turn into workaholics?

42 comments

1. Age is a factor, you could also be a source of motivation for them. But chances are you are dating people from your world, and environment you don’t realize it but the people you’re unconsciously meeting are most likely from a certain circle

2. Either you’re doing something that’s a turn off, or… They’re grinding at work to better their future.

3. If you’re dating men in an equal setting to you, then they’re probably not as career-chill as you think they are.

4. Like most women you probably are attracted to the traits of ambitious men, even if you don’t realize that’s why they have these traits initially.

5. You challenge them, they get better or think they have got to point where you’re not challenging anymore so to look for new challenge. They find someone who can challenge them more than you.

6. If everyone you date starts behaving a certain way, the common denominator is you, OP

7. What does this look like in practice? Long hours?

8. Nothing changed for them

9. You might consider asking both your current bf and your ex-bfs why they chose to do what they did. If you kept it kind then chances are you’ll get the valuable feedback you’re looking for which really can’t be found here in an online space.

10. Probably think you’ll ditch them if they don’t earn more money

11. You got the good men who work hard and you still complain?

12. Men want to build a life/family, my ex-wife didn’t work and I worked to save for a home. She cheated, lied, took the savings and the kids.

13. I think most men want to be able to provide, on first dates where women expect men to pay and men view this as presumptuous and entitled, those feelings aren’t because we don’t want to support the people we love/care about.

    I’d pay for my friend’s lunch without thinking about it, or dinner for my mom in a heartbeat. Once I, and maybe men as a whole, care about someone we’ll happily spend every penny we have. A first date is way too early to expect that kind of devotion/commitment.

    Applying this to your question. Dating is a wake up call. Sure you didn’t ask for someone else to shoulder the financial burden, but men do tend to view that as a badge of honor to be able to provide.

    The man’s version of baby fever maybe? I’ve talked with teachers and older men who told me when they first heard they were having a baby they immediately went and got three jobs.
    “Oh shit! I need to make a home for us. BUILDANESTBUILDANESTBUILDANEST!”

14. I’m 32 and have become a workaholic starting my own business and working for other people. I think it’s the time to do it while we are young and fit and will pay for itself in years to come.

    Spent my 20s a bit coasting around not knowing what I wanted. Had a lot of fun but need to sort some shit out now 🤣

15. Just looking at my personal situation. Also M30s.

    I made significantly more than average and worked part time when I met my gf. Not much responsibility and just chilling through life. Now we are 2 years into the relationship and I am pushing 60 hour weeks some weeks, but generally 40+ and I intend to keep that up for the next 2 years. The sole reason being that I want to set us up for a good future before responsibilities pile on.

    For example, now I want us to have a nicer house with room for kids to play comfortably. I want to make her wedding special and that she can take any job she wants when there are kids, so that she can focus her attention how she feels comfortable (she would like to continue to work in some way) and I want to set her and future kids up if something were to happen to me.

    So perhaps you’re making them want to start a family together😉

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17. I’ve always done it for myself. My career has never been a strict 9-5 but I’m okay with that.

18. I work at the hospital, so that stops when you’re a doctor or nurse. Find someone with a stable life and everything will work out.

19. well men are expected to provide, women tend to judge a man by how well and how much he can provide for her. Are you a high maintenance woman? if so that might be it, then again if not maybe your men see you as the kind of woman they want to give the moon to knowing you would never ask. men also think about things like retirement earlier. Women again tend to expect their husbands to take care of this or do not even think about it.

20. So like others have said, for “your” environment they don’t appear as career driven but then personally you may not know what foundations they have been building in the background, alternatively they see a future with you and have a reason a purpose to drive/build, reminded me of [this interview](https://fiamengofile.substack.com/p/feminism-and-female-psychopathology?utm_source=publication-search) how a psychologist found she lost her drive when she had their first kid but her husband’s went into overdrive.
    Likewise a friend has noticed since I’ve now got a son my drive has increased whilst he still has it he is questioning the “Why” as he doesn’t have a family to build for.

21. Men generally like to earn more than their partner since men feel pressure to be more of a provider. Also relationship tend to be more successful when this is the dynamic

22. 20s and early 30s are for learning and fun. Mid 30s to early 40s are for making moves and positioning yourself in your career, 40s into 50s you build on that base to set yourself up for upper management until retirement.

    In my 20s I was just a reckless technician, late 20s I began to plan for facility operations, mid 30s Ive calmed down and move into an assistant ops manager/tech role, and plan to take the ops position in 6 years when my boss retires. My responsibility and how engaged I am with work has increased a little bit every year.

    We can’t be young and fun forever and no one takes a 25 year old guy seriously. That leaves us with 1 decade in our prime to make the moves needed.

23. While it is about you, it’s not really about you, it’s how good men are wired.

    Any man worth a damn, when he starts dating a woman he sees a future with something activates within us and we want to step up to provide that future financially.

    Also, it’s not common for women to feel fully comfortable with/ respect a man she out earns financially.

    While it’s not a universal rule, it’s uncommon for a woman to truly be unbothered by it.

    A lot of women will say they don’t care, but they do care, they just know if they say it they’ll be called a gold digger or shallow so it’s easier for them to pretend not to care.

    And since men know that, we have to step it up when we meet somebody we can get serious with.

24. We need money and work pays.

25. Based on my own experience of working quite a bit and dating A LOT, there’s two additional considerations that may be at play here – both relating to how a relationship develops.

    For the first few dates, the guys will make time for you or only set up dates for when work allows. Once you’ve met a few times, there will both be an expectation of more frequent dates, or just hanging around at each other’s places, and a sense of security on the guy’s side that they can tell you that they need to work. I was able to keep work outside the relationship(s) for even a few weeks, but once you start seeing each other 3-6 times a week, especially if sleeping over, this gets very hard.

    Another phenomenon may be that they are simply downplaying how career driven they are. Particularly since you’re in the age where you may want kids, I would definitely have strived to give you an impression of who I want to (relaxed family man) rather than who I am (career driven and selfish). Of course you can’t really keep this up when theory starts being applied to practice and you have to cancel because there’s a work thing that came up.

26. The two biggest influences in how we select a mate are (not necessarily in this order)

    1. Our circumstances.
    2. The Template for love we were given as children.

27. In the same way that there is a lot of pressure on women to have kids, there is a lot of pressure on men to be providers. Being a provider for a woman who doesn’t work or doesn’t make much is easier because there’s not a lot of expectation necessarily on a lifestyle. Since you make a good living a lot of guys will feel pressure to make sure they provide you with the same lifestyle to which you are accustomed, whether you need them to or not. That’s going to make them work harder. It’s not your fault or theirs. It just is.

28. Go pick up a guy at McDonald. If they turn into a workaholic, then you have a gift. Don’t waste it.

29. You might be a natural complement to that type, bringing it out in men that have it more latent.

    I find I bring out or attract certain types of people as well.

    Think about what about you might encourage someone to want to do that. Maybe you inspire them?

30. YOU might not have that expectation for them, but unfortunately the majority of society still does.

31. Optimistically, you inspire them to do more with their lives.

    Cynically, the office is their opportunity to get a break from you.

32. Personal opinion, but I really like my job, and working helps me forget my loneliness. Dating always involves a bit of a gamble, and it can be disappointing to commit 100% right away.

33. “Ambition”=/=Automatically good partner

34. When you say they become workaholics what do you mean? Do they all of a sudden start spending more time in the office or away from you? Or do you just notice an increase in drive?

    Two things to consider, men are competitive. You might subconsciously drive them on as you could be successful or know your stuff.

    If its the office thing where you get less time with them, maybe reflect on how relaxing the post work time is for both of you. Is it intense, stressful or is there too much talking? People need to chill after work and not use their brains.

35. Since you’re talking about multiple men you’re dating while you’re in your 30s, you are either dating multiple men at once or your relationships or situationships don’t last very long. You don’t really tell us what happens during these relationships, only that the men choose their careers over spending time with you eventually. You also didn’t tell us who decided to end the relationships.

    The most common factor here seems to be you. You pick the men. You get them interested in you at first and you (partially) lose their interest after an unspecified period. Or worse, you’re driving them away. Are you the nagging, complaining, eternally dissatisfied type?

    The most common explanation for this pattern is that you pick men who are only interested in using you recreationally and you expect to keep them as long term partners. That doesn’t happen, because they’re just not interested in that. Eventually, reality asserts itself and you’re left wondering why reality doesn’t conform to your delusions.

36. Since I haven’t seen anyone else say it, it might not be the case, but it is possible that these guys are, through association with you, finding a path to success that they hadn’t seen before.

    Guys these days are bereft of guidance and encouragement. Success and betterment isn’t something they’re typically told to strive for, and, more often, they’re discouraged from it.

    Your boyfriends might be getting together with you and finding out about what opportunities there are around them, thus allowing them to start putting in the work in a viable direction to make something of themselves. Paths that they hadn’t seen before because no-one bothered, cared, or wanted to show them.

37. I think men get a lot of pressure to provide and it gets tied into self worth. Most men that I have known and I include myself in that, tend to reach a point where they realize what work is best for them at a speed they feel comfortable with and it stabilizes out by their forties.

    However I jumped out of a difficult career into a difficult to career, and was supported by my wife throughout. It was not an easy time but it has strengthened our bonds as a couple. Financially it’s been tough. She is the bread winner in this context and even paid for our wedding. Most men and women I have met would find that flip in power dynamic difficult to deal with.

    IMO we all make relationships on the ambitions you wish to fulfill. If you are dating men who are career driven and it sheds quality time with you as a result, try and date men where that’s less the case in their associated work or lifestyles.

    I guess it begs the question what goals do you have for your own relationships and what do you want to do to achieve them?

38. Work is a place where people seek men out for advice and decisions. They feel needed and respected at work much more than at home.

39. It’s definitely an age thing. 30s is when a lot of people really hit their stride in their careers. They’re becoming/are the experts and they’re starting to see the fruit of what they’ve been working towards for years

40. It’s called “having a type”

41. Might be that they prioritise you in the beginning and lay off their workaholic personality for a few months before resuming

42. You probably are unaware of how much emphasis YOU put on career and ambitious so the guys likely start to mirror you as the two of you get closer.