sorry this is going to be a bit of a book.
met a guy earlier this year from the apps and he had a demanding job and he was too busy to find a time to meet with me but we were getting along really well through text and I'm not really a texter, especially with people I meet from the apps because I fear that the in person connection won't be the same but it just flowed with him. after a while though, like three weeks I thought it was too much and I said we should meet because I don't want to text forever. we did and it was great, I felt really happy and good with him and the conversation flowed just as easily. I finally felt interested in a guy after not meeting anyone I liked in more than 2 years. he walked me home and he looked me in the eyes for like 5 full seconds before he walked away. and he continued texting me all the time even though he was still busy with his job
over the course of the next 2 months we continue like this – texting all the time, him not really able to meet because his job is so demanding but I wanted to see him so I invite him over to my house to watch tv after a long shift. I knew we both felt so good in these moments. no sex but lots of kissing and laughing. and I even asked him on the second date what he was looking for, he said he wanted to be in a relationship and I made it very clear that's what I want to. he said he's not just here for the sex.
we finally have sex after 2 months and I'm really scared before because it seems this is the point where guys always lose interest in me and I considered not even doing it but I was so attracted to him and cared about him and felt absolutely certain that he had the same feelings as I did. Absolutely certain. but 2 days later I took a trip and I noticed his texting was slowing quite a bit and it made me feel so anxious. like absolute shit. maybe he was just busy so I just gave him the benefit of the doubt but eventually I thought it was enough to address it so I said, hey if you're not into me anymore just tell me now because I would rather hear it directly than just dragging it out please. he said he's still interested in me but he's not feeling so good in his life and he's "numb to emotions" sometimes and a little overwhelmed by my affection but he still wanted to date me.
we see each other like 2 more times after this and I felt like was there physically but not in spirit. the way he touched me and kissed me was so sincere but I felt like he was so far away. and a week later we hadn't seen each other and he was really pulling back on communication so I addressed AGAIN – hey are you into me still or not because I just want to know now instead of just taking a hint. He said the same thing – he's really overwhelmed with his job, can't see me a lot right now, but *still* wants to date me and he is not ending things with me, and he's thankful for my patience and wants me to wait for him to have more free time. 4 weeks go by like this without seeing each other but he's still texting me regularly and one time I even left a box of cookies I made myself and an origami flower outside of his work to make him feel better. after a little more time I bring it up a final time – it's been 4 weeks since we have seen each other and I honestly don't know if we are dating still or not. please just tell me the truth right now. he sent a long text saying "I care about you a lot and don't want to hurt you but I can't give you what you need right now, you're such a great girl, I'm so sorry, I'm sure I'll regret this" yada yada yada. I was absolutely devastated because I felt like I had just been lied to and wasted 4 whole weeks waiting for him. I ask him if he can meet up to talk in person and we do and the story completely changes – "I am busy with my job and my life but I'm not sure I actually even have feelings for you at all. It's better to end it now than to push back the inevitable" but I talk him out of it because I really felt like he was sabotaging a good thing and he admits he's a mess right now, and that we can continue.
A week later I text him and he doesn't respond and he's never done that before, so I texted again because I was worried, I felt like something had happened, and sure enough he said his dad just died and he won't be able to bring himself to date for a long time and that I shouldn't be waiting for him anymore. I felt like I had just got shot, to hear that someone I care about just lost his dad AND he doesn't want me to be there for them in the same fucking text message? I lost my mind and told him I wanted to be there and he just would not budge and said no over and over
weeks go by and I'm so fucking worried about him also while missing him so much. I have it in my mind that he doesn't want to be with me because he isn't handling the grief well and doesn't want to bring me down with it but he's so unresponsive to my attempts to talk to him. I know I probably should have let it go at this point but I had already gotten attached and cared about him so much and was so worried about his mental state and his family and everything and I was being blocked out of his life from all of it! I wanted to know how he was feeling, who was doing the funeral, if he was crying, how is family was handling it all, if he was working again, all of it. but I knew absolutely nothing. the few times we did talk it was completely all business – "I don't want to be with anyone. I need to be alone. I prefer to be alone. I don't want to date anyone at all possibly even ever again. This is just how it is. You can't change my mind. I tried to have feelings for you but it didn't work." (even though the way he was with me and the things he said to me are NOT things you say and do with people you don't have feelings for! I felt so mislead and lied to)
it's been 3 months since his dad died and 4 weeks since we had any contact at all but I still felt so attached and so much love and care for him that I texted him to tell him how I was feeling and how much I cared and if we could meet up, and he blocked me. it absolutely shattered me. that night I got on the app we met just to look around because I was so upset, I don't know what I wanted from it. and within 2 minutes I see his profile pop up. and my heart drops – I felt like I was lied to again. this whole "I don't want to date anyone, I have too much pain in my heart, I want to be alone" was all bullshit.
I feel like I was completely played. I truly thought he was a good guy – and I still do but I have this awful feeling that he is a good guy that just treated ME badly. all 3 guys that I've been in love with in the past 6 years did this exact situation to me – making me feel like I'm special, and that they don't date often but they chose me, that things were actually going somewhere, to just have the rug pulled out from under me with the "no feelings" claim. I truly felt all 3 of them were good boys. I don't know what I did wrong. why I'm not enough to be loved.