How have you handled situations where your partner frequently assumed you had bad intentions when you actually meant well?
September 2, 2025
How have you handled situations where your partner frequently assumed you had bad intentions when you actually meant well?
15 comments
Why would I date someone like that? I’d wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t trust me. I wouldn’t date someone who thought so little of me or who viewed me as a villain in their mind. I deserve better than that. I always give my partner the benefit of the doubt
At first, I’d try to explain myself calmly, but if it keeps happening, that’s not a “me” issue that’s a trust issue. At some point you realize you can’t convince someone who’s already built a courtroom in their head with you on trial.
It’s a them problem you can’t fix. But they could fix it if they wanted to. I dealt with this in my marriage. My ex always thought I judged him no matter what I said or how I said it (I tried to fix my part as much as possible and be careful with my tone, etc.). He also took any difference of opinion as a personal insult. We tried counseling but when the counselor would ask him questions about why he always thought I had bad intentions, instead of getting to the bottom of it, he got angry and walked out on counseling and refused to go. So he’s my ex now and he treats our kids the same way, unfortunately. I will never again be in a relationship with someone like that. Although it’s possible to change, very few actually do the work necessary.
first of all that’s a red flag so I will break up with that person
Communication, but if it’s frequent like you say you might not be compatible.
It sometimes comes up. With my wife I’ve learned it has a lot to do with her growing up in an angry household.
My household was calm and loving. I just usually look at her and give it a minute and say something like “you know that I did not mean that like you’re taking it” or “stop taking what I said and using it to hurt your own feelings.”
That’s usually the end of it.
Understanding that they also probably don’t have bad intentions in their reaction and it’s likely a trauma response to a stressful situation. “Frequently” means you need to have a conversation w them about it though to figure out what the root cause of this is bc it does not help
I simply would not date someone who doesnt give me the benefit of the doubt.
[removed]
We broke up. If this is happening to you, you should break up. When men make up their minds, that’s it. He’s decided that you have negative intentions, so you trying to make things better will also be taken negatively.
I’ve had a few situations where that happened, when my partner was in a high stress moment. If my intention was nuanced and could be taken the wrong way, I would explain myself after said situation calmed down. Usually something along the lines of “ I hope you know that I did/said _____ because of _____, not because I was mad at you.”
Sometimes they don’t believe me, and if their headspace is that negative, I just give them time to process it on their own. I can always talk about it later, but it’s not a problem I can fix.
Ideally, the best solution to the problem will be therapy. I know that these responses can sometimes come from a place of insecurity and anxiety, rather than the action itself. But if that’s not an option, talking things through with the partner, and continually reminding them/explaining your thought processes can be helpful.
He dumped me. After 5 years, I went through a lot of hardship in the last year. It drained my energy – I was still loving but I had 0 energy so didn’t have as much time for going out and seeing more of the world. He assumed I was tired because i couldn’t be bothered anymore. Wasn’t true, and I tried to make that clear. He left angrily, accusing me of “giving up”.
I just needed some support from the man I thought loved me.
Tell him that if he thinks that lowly of you, then he needs to find the door. He is either paranoid, or doesn’t know you at all and either way, you’re not interested in a relationship where you’re constantly having to prove your intentions when you’ve never done anything to deserve suspicion.
I ditched broski.
If this is your husband it would be wise to bring it to his attention that his perception of you has changed/ is wrong and it isnt offering any grace. If this for him is coming from a some conflicts you’ve had or some critiques you’ve made it also worth pointing out that he was probably hurt but then generalized it into a character trait and blew it up, and that it’s unloving and unfair to be constantly seen thru a villain lense.
15 comments
Why would I date someone like that? I’d wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t trust me. I wouldn’t date someone who thought so little of me or who viewed me as a villain in their mind. I deserve better than that. I always give my partner the benefit of the doubt
At first, I’d try to explain myself calmly, but if it keeps happening, that’s not a “me” issue that’s a trust issue. At some point you realize you can’t convince someone who’s already built a courtroom in their head with you on trial.
It’s a them problem you can’t fix. But they could fix it if they wanted to. I dealt with this in my marriage. My ex always thought I judged him no matter what I said or how I said it (I tried to fix my part as much as possible and be careful with my tone, etc.). He also took any difference of opinion as a personal insult. We tried counseling but when the counselor would ask him questions about why he always thought I had bad intentions, instead of getting to the bottom of it, he got angry and walked out on counseling and refused to go. So he’s my ex now and he treats our kids the same way, unfortunately. I will never again be in a relationship with someone like that. Although it’s possible to change, very few actually do the work necessary.
first of all that’s a red flag so I will break up with that person
Communication, but if it’s frequent like you say you might not be compatible.
It sometimes comes up. With my wife I’ve learned it has a lot to do with her growing up in an angry household.
My household was calm and loving. I just usually look at her and give it a minute and say something like “you know that I did not mean that like you’re taking it” or “stop taking what I said and using it to hurt your own feelings.”
That’s usually the end of it.
Understanding that they also probably don’t have bad intentions in their reaction and it’s likely a trauma response to a stressful situation. “Frequently” means you need to have a conversation w them about it though to figure out what the root cause of this is bc it does not help
I simply would not date someone who doesnt give me the benefit of the doubt.
[removed]
We broke up. If this is happening to you, you should break up. When men make up their minds, that’s it. He’s decided that you have negative intentions, so you trying to make things better will also be taken negatively.
I’ve had a few situations where that happened, when my partner was in a high stress moment. If my intention was nuanced and could be taken the wrong way, I would explain myself after said situation calmed down. Usually something along the lines of “ I hope you know that I did/said _____ because of _____, not because I was mad at you.”
Sometimes they don’t believe me, and if their headspace is that negative, I just give them time to process it on their own. I can always talk about it later, but it’s not a problem I can fix.
Ideally, the best solution to the problem will be therapy. I know that these responses can sometimes come from a place of insecurity and anxiety, rather than the action itself. But if that’s not an option, talking things through with the partner, and continually reminding them/explaining your thought processes can be helpful.
He dumped me. After 5 years, I went through a lot of hardship in the last year. It drained my energy – I was still loving but I had 0 energy so didn’t have as much time for going out and seeing more of the world. He assumed I was tired because i couldn’t be bothered anymore. Wasn’t true, and I tried to make that clear. He left angrily, accusing me of “giving up”.
I just needed some support from the man I thought loved me.
Tell him that if he thinks that lowly of you, then he needs to find the door. He is either paranoid, or doesn’t know you at all and either way, you’re not interested in a relationship where you’re constantly having to prove your intentions when you’ve never done anything to deserve suspicion.
I ditched broski.
If this is your husband it would be wise to bring it to his attention that his perception of you has changed/ is wrong and it isnt offering any grace. If this for him is coming from a some conflicts you’ve had or some critiques you’ve made it also worth pointing out that he was probably hurt but then generalized it into a character trait and blew it up, and that it’s unloving and unfair to be constantly seen thru a villain lense.