I’m personally looking for something long-term and I’m not into short-term relationships at all. But I’ve noticed something interesting while using dating apps, and I wanted to hear if anyone else relates.
People who don’t make “long-term only” their top priority on dating apps usually turn out to be more genuine and enjoyable to talk to. They live in the present, focus on the connection, and if things naturally grow into something serious, that’s great. If not, you still part on good terms.
Meanwhile, the people who loudly push “serious relationship only” from the very beginning often:
- Feel like you have to “win them over” as if they’re a prize.
- Carry a lot of emotional baggage from past relationships.
- Come off as overly cautious, guarded, or even a little transactional.
Ironically, the vibe often feels heavier and forced with the “long-term only” people, while the more chill ones sometimes end up being actual long-term potential.
22 comments
Totally accurate, you summarized a lot of the same thoughts I’ve had. I’ve been grilled on a first date a number of times, and it’s such an unnatural way for a romantic connection to develop
Yeah, a lot of people who prefer long-term on dating apps come off as very negative. As in, you hardly see people talk about their ideas for such long term arrangements, they just talk down on more casual or short term situations
I think I can weigh in on that last point, I think at least. From my own experience, I am cautious and guarded because previous connections had to be cut off due to either being overly pushy or because they pulled away when there seemed to be a click. Any kind of advances are going to be paired with worries of being hurt, being used for cheap thrills and not ending up with anything serious.
Basically what the words “serious” and “casual” mean.
Actually all my serious long-term relationships started casual. I couldn’t do serious right from the beginning.
Well, to be honest, it doesn’t feel forced because it comes down to repetitions. If I’m keeping things short, that means I might be on more dates, getting more experience, open to new ideas and etc. which means, I don’t have to force anything because I might have a back up plan or working on a backup plan, so I have the bandwidth to keep things light, and fun.
I personally believe the folks that’s looking for long term has forgotten how to have fun to some extent because you’re only trying to find that one thing. Instead of letting things happen naturally and develop to a Long term relationship.
Honestly agree I only went out with someone who had that in their bio once and it was so hard to relax and have natural conversations with him because it just felt like he was interviewing me for the ‘job’ of being his future wife the whole time and it was super weird and uncomfortable
I always assumed that ‘short term fun’ meant that a woman was after casual sex without commitment. Personally I put something like friends first, relationship if compatible
Well, on the contrary, I have noticed that there are way too many spammers on these dating apps, especially in India. So when you do not explicitly mention long-term in your profile, you end up being approached by too many fake profiles. I’m trying to lure you in with some short-term benefits, etc… which I am not even looking for in the first place.
I had to actually update my profile and clearly mention that I am not looking for any short-term benefit sort of relationship to keep these kinds of profiles away or at least limit such connections.
That’s interesting. I think that people that want long term are probably already burnt out from previous relationships and they’re more cautious and less trusting and more serious but that’s just my guess.
I agree, and it’s so weird
Definitely agree on the emotional baggage. I see a lot of hints of the baggage in the bio on their profiles
Honestly, people should first figure out if there’s an actual connection. This whole “long term relationship only” trend feels like a façade.
If the relationship can’t even make it past the honeymoon phase, which is usually where most couples break then talking about “long term” from day one doesn’t mean anything.
I agree, especially as you get older, the dudes who are “looking for a life partner” skeeve me out. It feels like they’re just trying to slot in any warm body. I had a guy tell me on date two he was looking for someone to split rent with (I guess better than the dudes whose whole hinge profiles say that, but I digress). Totally not compatible.
Now there’s a fine line, like I had a dude really feed me the line “I’m one of those 30 something men who doesn’t know what he wants”. Bullshit, you want a human fleshlight. Which is fine, just say that.
I’m 34F, I don’t answer “what are you looking for” questions, never have at any age. I haven’t lost anything to look for it. Not every person you go on a date with will be a 2nd date, not every 2nd date will be a 3rd and so on. Just go on the date and have fun, if you like each other then figure out what you want from each other but going in looking for “long term” or “short term” or a “life partner” is putting the cart before the horse, to me.
I think it’s based on being “not being attached to an outcome” just looking for connection and seeing what sticks along the way.
That’s the approach I’ve been trying to use and it does take the pressure off of “every connection or date has to turn into something”.
I’d rather someone NOT “live in the present,” tbh, because easy come easy go. If I couldn’t get started past point 2, I wouldn’t be disappointed when we seem to be going through point 3 but she doesn’t want to reach point 4.
If each side puts something like “figuring out dating”,
odds are that one person has sex as soon as possible as a priority and the other has a relationship as a priority.
This is such a cultural phenomenon. For me the serious people are usually the better dates because we were able to talk about dealbreakers in a future partner within the first few dates and really assess if we wanted to proceed. Sometimes a connection felt like it was there but the dealbreaker was too big. Got out before we got attached. But I personally am okay with that. The ones that are like a job interview definitely feel weird, but usually it’s because those people are bad conversationalist and don’t know how to weave casual lighthearted conversations with more serious ones OR there really wasn’t a genuine connection/attraction so it didn’t matter what they did or how they said it lol.
It’s been a similar experience for me. As much as a lot of us want/aim for long term commitment, it sometimes feels like we’re just checking off boxes of what values/qualities we want and we forget that basic level chemistry/attraction is what separates a friendship from a romantic relationship.
Before online dating, most people DID go through them otions of short term dating, chemistry and attraction to lead to long term partnership so that makes sense.
Usually when all someone care, is to get someone for a long time relationship/serious relationship, they forget to focus on enjoying the time spent together, knowing eachother, be relaxed and focus more on expectations.
Many times a casual relationship becomes a serious one due to people being themselves.
Interesting observations. I’m open to all simply because it really depends on the person. What if I specify short-term only and then meet my ‘soulmate’? For sure I would have a different view. I feel like you never know until you meet a person. And I’d like to think that the people you describe as more genuine fit me closer than someone with a specific type of agenda or checklist to which someone must adhere.
No wonder women end up played and used if the only type you’re interested in is guys who go with the flow. Those guys actually usually most of the time try to avoid commitment while actively seeking for as many hookups as they can while saying “let’s see where things go” which might sound promising but when he says that line to every woman, nope.
I feel like just because the end goal might be a long term relationship on someone’s profile doesn’t mean he’s thinking every woman he talks to might fit into that category. Yes they are more serious but at least you won’t be lied to by the man who doesn’t know what he wants.
I’m a bit confused.. so if you’re looking for a long term relationship only and don’t want casual short term relationships are you supposed to lie so you don’t come off as “too serious”?
I haven’t used a dating app in years so I might just not know what the culture with it is but wouldn’t it make more sense to just say what you want plainly? Why does wanting a long term relationship make you not relationship material?
This is very accurate and makes sense. It’s a lot easier to act aloof when you don’t have anything at stake. When you don’t care, you’ll be the chillest person ever.