37M, have a great job, beautiful wife, 2 amazing kids, nice car, a nice house. Everything anyone could ever ask for. Its everything i worked so hard for in my 20s and early 30s.
Now im here, depressed, anxious, overweight and straight up out of motivation.
Was started on paroxetine 5 years ago which helped me keep up the appearance that i was doing fine. Some days, i even really was fine. Then it seemed to stop working and my mood dropped drastically. Putting more and more weight on, despite eating fairly clean and lifting weights 4 times a week.
Recently changed to zoloft as per my doctor about 3 weeks ago and my depression and anxiety is still in a hole. Extreme self loathing and no motivation for anything but the bare minimum.
Ive recently taken up an old hobby which i thought might help fill my cup a little, nothing seems to work.
I feel like im supposed to be enjoying these years after everything i did to get here, but im hating every single day. Wishing for the end.
Has anyone else been here?. How did you get out of this dark hole?.
Thanks for listening, sorry its long.
32 comments
Are you actually doing anything that you want to do? You said you *should* feel happy because you worked hard to get there, but you did not say “I wanted to be here and it’s surprising that I’m not enjoying it”
I’m guessing something in your life is rubbing you the wrong way and you aren’t admitting it to yourself. Either your job or the wife.
As far as the losing weight, just got to do fasting, easier said than done, but it’s super effective.
You have a family at 37! That’s amazing. I am 37 and don’t and prob never will. And it’s taken me a long time to accept that. But I hope you find peace brother.
Reduce workload, get into psychotherapy, find a psychiatrist to assess your medication and situation, he might change Zoloft for something with either a noradrenergic component like duloxetine (more energy and drive, concentration) or try a switch to a more dopaminergic substance like bupropion for less side effects on sexual function (as in Zoloft). Would also help with the weight gain. Good luck man! 👍🏻
I read your post and I want to give you huge props for a number of things. You have tried to take up new hobby’s. You’ve gone to the doctor for help and treatment. That is you beating depression. Keep trying every day because it will get better.
Second, please don’t feel any guilt about feeling this way despite the beautiful wife, kids, home, car etc. How you feel doesn’t reflect how you feel about them. Depression is brain chemistry gone awry and it’s going to put a dark blanket on the best of things.
You mentioned weight gain a couple of times. Despite exercising and watching your calories. Would you consider going to the doctor and getting checked out? Your thyroid levels may be off. Hypothyroidism can cause mental depression and weight gain. Not a guarantee but it’s important to check your blood chemistry.
Finally, I have been there. I suffered severe depression for close to 10 years and it still comes back to visit once in a while. I felt like it was never going to end. Everyday was painful to force myself through existence. I am actually impressed you’ve been able to do so much despite the dark dog behind you. Despite feeling this way, it got better. I did CBT and it lifted slowly over time. I think your confidence has been shot. I think it would do you the world of good to do things that build that back up. Maybe CBT around your weight would help. You’re more than your physical body. You’re obviously a great guy with a loving family like that.
Finally – I am still cycling through depression as I went through a recent life event. I have been down the antidepressant road. SSRI’s fucked me up. Made me grey. Never helped. However I’m much older now and I also have a background in medicine. I’m not advocating this, but I self diagnosed myself and went and tried Wellbutrin which acts on a completely different neuropathway, dopamine instead of serotonin. I can confidently say it has helped me tremendously. It might be worth asking your psychiatrist if they would consider trying Wellbutrin instead of an SSRI.
Anyway, looking at some of the messages here, you’re loved, and supported. This is not forever, it will disappear just as it arrived. There is a whole future of happiness there waiting. Good luck brother.
Zoloft for your depression?
Wellbutrine + and an SSRI is what ended up helping me get out of the whole. No longer need either.
Edit: oh and counseling, very important
You fell into the trap of “grow up, get a job, get a spouse, have kids, buy a home, spend a third of your life working until your body gives out, and sap away all your life’s work clinging to life at the end” and now you’re having that mid-life crisis where you’re realizing things are quite right.
You really have to ask yourself, what is it that YOU want. Not what was prescribed for you. Took me way too long to make the changes I wanted in my life, and now I’m happier for it and I’m certainly more content on a daily basis. Nothings perfect, but it beats the hell out of what I used to have 6+ years ago.
And then there’s hobbies…. things that are done for the sake of doing them because they bring you joy or peace or satisfaction or some combination. They’re typically creative outlets, they typically offer you a chance to do something different that is all yours, where you set your own expectations rather that fulfilling the demands of others.
I strongly encourage people to get a hobby. Try new things, see what sticks. It’s YOUR mid-life crisis, you have to figure it out! Maybe learn to brew beer, or take up woodworking, or going camping…. Just try!
As for the old hobby….. You’re a different person than you were when you did that hobby, so don’t be discouraged that it doesn’t click.
I’d recommend avoiding the pitfall of turning your hobby into a hustle because then it’s a second job. There’s a saying: “If you work with your mind rest with your hands, and if you work with your hands rest with your mind.”
Maybe this is an existential crisis? Tell me, do you understand what you live for?
Go for walks. Every day. No matter the weather. Preferably under trees.
That’s a start, but you’re doing great already, don’t be harsh on yourself.
A big hug, because I’m a hugger, and everyone needs a hug.
Go get your hormone levels checked. Start there.
I dealt with something similar the last few years. Things that’d formerly brought me joy weren’t even moving the needle. If you’re not experiencing happiness from anything you’re dealing with anhedonia, a symptom of deepening depression. I’d seek referrals to a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a dietician since you’re also struggling with weight problems.
Surprisingly, my dietician helped me a lot with my depression, too. I was drowning my feelings in food instead of processing them. Now I eat when I’m hungry and work through what I feel.
Try to keep in mind you’ve got a good life and you’ve got a lot of wins under your belt. Practice gratitude for that. It’s really fuckin hard to feel it when you’re really depressed but it’ll help you weather the worst of it while you get your feet back under you. You’ve got this, man, you just need some expert backup.
Maybe low testosterone
Mounjaro if you want to lose weight.
Go start working out. Getting fat will make anyone depressed. Start eating healthier and work out. This changed my entire life. The mood boost you get from working out is better than any shitty prescription drug. Eating right fueling your body with the nutrients it needs will also help chsnge your mood. Wallowing in self pity, eating garbage, then doing nothing to change it will only fuel your depression, anxiety, and overall shitty feelings. We humans are not meant to sit on our ass and stuff our faces.
Smoke some weed homie
I’m feeling your post, man. Going through a similar thing rn. Know that what you’re feeling is perfectly valid and you’re not alone.
Thanks everyone for the great comments. It’s nice to feel supported by so many people i’ve never met.
A few people have mentioned hormones. I had some bloods done 3 weeks ago.
My fasting insulin came back 27mU/L which is high. I suspect insulin resistance is one of the things plaguing me regarding fat loss. I’m going to try intermittent fasting, I’m a creature of habit and not being able to have breakfast and a coffee (I can’t do black coffee) is something that scares me a bit. Thankfully for now, A1C is 5.2% so i’m not diabetic. Yet.
Another one was my Testosterone, its 8nmol/L which is low. I suppose this too is impacting my mental health.
Perhaps trying to fix these markers and some counselling will help.
Thanks again, i read all of your replies and am super grateful.
Stop taking drugs and start walking outside every day
You’ve tried meds, but you’ve now found their limits when it comes to depression and burnout. You have to combine meds with the inner self work and build the habits that actually get you in a direction of feeling emotionally fulfilled. That takes therapy. Keep up the meds (if you are having a particularly bad time of it than it may be worth talking to your doctor about your dosage, as well) and find yourself a counsellor as soon as possible. It may take a few tries to get one you really vibe with but, once you do, I think you will find it very beneficial.
Have you gone to a psychologist?
Not a psychiatrist or someone who gives you meds. A psychologist?
Yeah as some said seems like you don’t tell full picture. Something is bringing you down – either work or wife – those are most common. Beautiful wife doesn’t mean happiness. So you gotta get into yourself and ask yourself – what is that that makes me unhappy? Vast majority of people actually have answer to that.
In my mid 30s I hit that lull. Started intently working on myself. The things that helped me were regular talk therapy sessions, ketamine therapy, and testosterone replacement therapy. . . Much happier now.
Tell your wife you gotta go to a rave and go do a munch of mdma and mushrooms
It might be the reset your Brain needs go have a good time !
I’m a 38M, I’ve been in the exact same situation as you where from the past 3years . Everything is great but I didn’t feel that contentment or satisfaction . The thing which turned the tables for me was my hobby of reading books it deviated my mind a lot from my current trauma I was dealing. Slowly I started Journaling then that’s where Everything came in line , I’m thankful that I benefited a lot from those two and I’d suggest for you to try them.
Self doubt ,self abuse,self deprecating talks are common when we are facing depression and trust me Journaling helps a lot . It helped me reach the root cause of my self sabotage behaviour and made me aware that it was because of the trauma I faced as a child,my father’s attitude towards me and me getting bullied at school that had shaped my personality and it isnt a good thing to shape your personality with . So please try Journaling once and let me know how you feel.
I know I will sound like an ahole but is it the lack of Novelty of not meeting with new girls anymore? Asking it because a lot of men experiencing what you experience and this is might be the reason
I ditched caffeine, porn, alcohol and gambling. I did hard things in the gym most days and started a new hobby.
New man 10/10 would recommend.
Do you live in a city?
I would suggest a weekend camping trip out to the countryside, as far away from city lights as you can go, with a big view of the sky. And just spend a couple nights looking up at the stars, maybe having a campfire.
Modern life is so anxiety-inducing; you’re definitely not alone in that. But spending just a couple nights in nature, in quiet, can really help to reset perspective. Can help you better appreciate all those things and people you’ve worked so hard for. You are a beautiful being, in this vast universe.
Namaste, my friend.
Someone has already mentioned a psychologist but I’ll just reiterate that. You say you have a great job, wife, kids, house, car but that is just what society says should make you happy. A therapist can help you deep dive and find out what you’re missing. Sometimes we lie to ourselves about what we value, what gives us meaning and purpose. The lie has been going on for so long you don’t even remember who you are. I don’t really believe the whole “it’s just chemical imbalance” thing. I do however believe a life that is not meeting your emotional needs, values, meaning, purpose will cause your brain to respond by causing a chemical imbalance as an indicator it’s not ok with what’s going on. Burnout is a real thing, depending on your job, work/life balance etc. can cause a lot of the symptoms you’re describing.
Do you go to your family doctor or a therapist?
You have an “old self?” Must be nice. 😂
Lambast me, if you want. Get yourself some 🍄. I wish I would’ve found it before i lost what little mind i was holding on to. It’s not a cure for depression, but it helped really put things in perspective.
Listen to old music that you remember and old films and old TV programs and trying to restart old habits that were good at the time
You are where you “should” be, but are you where you “want” to be?
I’ve had my bouts of depression, hopelessness, self loathing and worse, so I can relate. The guilt from having “everything” without being happy about it.
When was the last time you traveled or had a vacation longer than a week? A change of scenery can be very helpful.