Yes, this is a throwaway.
I(M30) have been with my gf for 3 months, and everything seems great so far, besides our sex life. Our relationship started out very passionate in the first 2-3 weeks but has slowed down significantly.
I’m a very giving partner, both in and out of the bedroom, I like to take care of my partner’s needs, love doing random acts of service, and absolutely love giving oral. In previous relationships, I’ve had intensely passionate, reciprocal and positive sexual connections.
Also outside of the bedroom, I love initiating flirting, romance, massages, flowers. I always cook elaborate meals for my partners and generally treat them like queens. Those things are not transactional for me, I believe reciprocation and love can be shown in many different ways.
In my current relationship I don’t feel the same way, she’s very happy receiving oral sex to completion every time we have sex, but never ever reciprocates. I get 20 seconds of unenthusiastic oral once in a blue moon. If she doesn’t like giving oral it’s ok with me, there’s many ways to reciprocate and show lust, but none of it ever happens. She says she likes it but never actually does it. She also doesn’t ever initiate sex, unless we haven’t had sex in days. Our sex frequency is also going down significantly since the beginning simply because I initiate less as time goes on as I don’t want to feel like I’m coercing my gf for sex constantly. She says she’s submissive and likes the man to initiate which is great because I’m dominant(had multiple kinky relationships before), but to me she just seems passive.
This dynamic exists outside of the bedroom as well, she won’t do anything nice for me without me asking. My needs seem like an afterthought. She does give lots of words of affirmation though, constantly tells me I’m sexy and amazing but it kinda feels empty without action, and without her constantly wanting to jump my bones. Specially this early in a relationship.
She also constantly brags about her past sex life such as giving random guys blowjobs and going home with strangers from bars multiple times a week, but when we come home from a night out together she’s always too tired for sex. I’m not a jealous guy but it definitely makes me wonder why I don’t get the same energy.
I take care of all of my gfs needs, I drive her, help her with chores, pick her outfits for work, clean her apartment while she’s gone and generally try to make her life as easy and stress free as possible simply because I love her. So it’s not like I’m a lazy inconsiderate bf expecting my gf to service my sexual needs.
To rule out some possible causes:
1. She claims to be happy with our sex life(also heard it from her friends)
2. I’m hygienic, fit, athletic and keep myself clean and trimmed.
I must say she’ll do pretty much anything I ask of her and she seems incredibly scared of losing me. I just don’t want to pester her to care for my needs.
I tried bringing this up but it always spirals into a conversation about sex frequency, which is definitely not the problem. While I do have a fairly high libido, I’ve dated partners with a much lower libido than mine and still felt desired.
The last thing I want to do is coerce her or pressure her to, but honestly I’m kind of bummed being in a relationship with someone who isn’t as eager to please me as I am to please her. I just miss the feeling of being lusted after.
What should I do?
25 comments
Time to break up, especially if she WAS the blow job queen and CURRENTLY brags about it
Honestly, break up with her. You’ve tried talking and it’s done nothing. She’s fine taking and not giving. Go find a partner who’s interested in being a PARTNER.
> She also constantly brags about her past sex life such as giving random guys blowjobs and going home with strangers from bars multiple times a week
I would break up just over that.
If she really is submissive then she’ll willingly suck you off when you want her to. She just seems lazy.
If things were just great for 2-3 weeks then it’s really not worth it. Things should be improving as time goes on. I do not believe in this “honeymoon period” where things are great in the beginning and you just need to accept that a relationship gets bland after a few months. In a happy healthy and loving relationship things just get better. You fall more in love with each other, you want to make the other person happy because you love them not to make yourself seem great, you improve yourself to be a better partner, etc. Sure within 3 months all that doesn’t necessarily happen, it’s a very short timespan for a relationship. But it should not get worse, anything that does get worse is basically just your partner dropping the act they played in the beginning and going back to their normal self. That is exactly why so many relationships end withing 3 months or so. You realise the person you are dating is not actually someone you want to spend your life with because they do not for your standards. You are fundamentally someone who puts a lot more effort into a relationship than your girlfriend. She is also fundamentally someone who is a liar, maybe not maliciously, but she can clearly not back up her words. If the situation was reverse people would tell your girlfriend en masse that you are just a lame unworthy dude profiting off off her and that she deserves better. Well the same is true for you. You deserve someone who gives you the same effort back, who wants you as much as you want them and also makes sure you feel that. You should not have to beg anyone to make you feel wanted and loved, let alone someone you’ve only been with 3 months.
Sounds like the relationship has run its course man.
Talking about blowing other guys would cause me to dump her quickly.
The question I would have is does she respect you as a partner? Like the vibe I get from your description is you’re turning into a service sub. I’d be way less concerned about the libido mismatch and more about the general dynamics you hare setting up here.
> She also constantly brags about her past sex life such as giving random guys blowjobs and going home with strangers from bars multiple times a week
That’s super trashy. Not the fact that she did it, but is bragging to her current partner about it.
There’s 2 main ways to view this: 1. She’s selfish 2. She wants you to initiate and thinks you are fine with that as you consider yourself “dominant” and that’s how she interprets that, doesn’t like giving BJs and only did it randomly which isn’t the same as a LTR, she compliments you which she considers enough for you to feel appreciated.
You COULD tell her the reasons you are unhappy very clearly so it doesn’t devolve into a conversation about sex frequency. “I would like BJs initiated by you consistently and to completion” “I would like acts of service similar to those I do for you, like…” “I am happy with how often we have sex but want you to initiate more so we split it more evenly”.
However, I don’t think you really like her. You are comparing her to your previous relationships and she’s bringing up past sexual interactions to turn you on/keep you interested/appear sexual. It’s not a good match, so move on. It’s only been 3 months.
If she’s selfish now that likely won’t get better with time. I’m in a marriage that came from a relationship just like you described. Giving people attract takers. Resentment builds quickly. Be very clear about YOUR needs and how them not being met impacts you. If she can’t work with, she likely won’t and you should find someone who will better match your energy, but if she dismisses it or you don’t genuinely see her trying, please don’t stay. Unhappiness and resentment are really hard to live with if you don’t have to. I’m sorry you’re in this position. Ypu sound like a great man. I hope things improve one way or another.
You’re sexually incompatible. Time to leave.
She says she’s submissive, but someone who is actually submissive would enjoy giving head just because it gives you pleasure. She’s just passive and doesn’t really seem interested in sex, at least with you.
time to end that relationship. You deserve more.
“I take care of all of my gfs needs, I drive her, help her with chores, pick her outfits for work, clean her apartment while she’s gone and generally try to make her life as easy and stress free as possible simply because I love her.”
She has a sugar daddy/maid, not a boyfriend.
You’ve been dating her for 3 months, you do not love her. You may be infatuated with her, but you don’t love her. If you’ve talked about all this with her (though this is reddit and most people prefer to talk to random people rather than their partner), and she either dismisses it or refuses to change, then you need to make a decision.
It’s a brand new relationship, why are you putting yourself through this for some girl you just met?
Your relationship seems to have advanced very quickly. You are talking about 3 month old relationship like you’ve been together 3 years. It sounds like this was a hookup, and now you’re expecting married compatibility after only 3 months which is unrealistic. It also sounds like there’s a huge power differential. You said you take care of all your woman’s needs. You drive her everywhere, you pick her outfits. Does she ask for these things? You may perceive this as “love,” but she might interpret these things as an attack on her personal autonomy and independence, the actions of somebody who is controlling and smothering her. She might be withdrawing sexually to create some space.
“She also constantly brags about her past sex life such as giving random guys blowjobs and going home with strangers from bars multiple times a week”
And you chose this voluntarily?
Bro…she’s just not that in to you.
You say that everything seems great so far, outside of the bedroom. Then proceed to tell us things are not great inside and outside of the bedroom. There’s no mention of anything she does/recipricates in return except to note that she gives hollow words of affirmation.
Love yourself and move on so you can find someone who appreciates being treated like a queen and who wants to treat her partner like a king.
Its been less than 90 days which is well within the return period
She’s not putting any effort into this, why are you?
Why are you doing so much for someone you’ve been dating for three months??? The relationship should be fun and light at this stage, you literally sound like my 60yr old dad complaining about my mother
Break up with her, she’s a dud and you’re a stud
I hate when women use the term submissive, but in reality, they are just starfishes. It gives real subs a bad rep.
Why do you want this girl who sounds selfish, lazy, and it’s all about her?! She brags about sex with strangers yet as her boyfriend you can’t get any?! I hate to say it but she does NOT want you just what you can do for her.
Breakup and move on. This is one way if: “I take care of all of my gfs needs, I drive her, help her with chores, pick her outfits for work, clean her apartment while she’s gone and generally try to make her life as easy and stress free as possible simply because I love her. “
Love & respect yourself. Move on. Don’t contact her. Cease all communication so you can find a genuinely loving girl who is compatible with you. 😊
90 days in and the blow jobs are already stopping, that happens a lot with married couples should not be happening to you right now. Blower off and get blown elsewhere
3 months and you’re bothering writing for advice??? End this relationship ASAP. The reason she’s not blowing you is she enjoyed the other guys better…. Move on!