I called his bluff and he actually cheated.

27 comments

1. Sorry that has happened to you. You deserve better.

2. Generally hate cheaters but if your fights over sexual incompatibility and frustration get to the point that you just tell him to fix the need elsewhere and he’s finally a good husband after that frustration is addressed.

   You’re not exactly clean here.

3. Ma’am I hate to tell you but it ended a long time ago.   It didn’t end because of this.  Your relationship hasn’t been healthy or worth it for a long long time.   Maybe see a counselor to talk thru what you can learn about this to make healthier decisions in the future. 

4. I’m really sorry. Not that it matters, but I’m just curious, if you’re willing to share… How often were you guys having sex on average when he was threatening to cheat on you?

5. This is a toxic relationship that needs to end. 

6. So you didn’t want sex with him, you told him to get it elsewhere. He did and he’s a nicer guy for it. Isn’t this what you wanted?

7. You called his bluff and told him he could, and you are mad that he did it? I don’t know what happens with your marriage, but you need to go and get yourself tested for STD’s.

8. Now, give yourself permission to find a better man, or live peacefully without someone else’s interference entirely.

9. This is an ugly can of worms. You never should have told him to “just do it.” Agruably he never should have threatened it.

   Sounds like a toxic marriage that finally burnt out. If you were that unhappy that you felt the need to say it you needed to just call it quits because the aftermath is the same.

   Get divorced, get therapy, and know that you both hold blame here.

10. He sounds like a dick. Seems like a good time to get out.

11. Seems like there was poor communication on both sides. Did you ever go to a therapist? Would you ever go see a therapist.

12. I have no idea why you’ve stayed in this toxic relationship for so long

13. You FA, you FO.

14. Get tested asap

15. You should have left him the first time he threatened to cheat. But better now than never. Now you are free to find someone better.

16. do we really know enough to offer advice? I bet his side of the story would provide fuller context

17. So I don’t know if it’s exactly calling his bluff…more like he called yours? You weren’t interested in a year and said to go ahead and do it. He told you about and was honest about it. Don’t say something that you would regret and that you aren’t serious about, this is partially on you.

    Do I agree with what he did? Hell no. Would I have done it? No. Did you open the door by shooting him down for an entire year and appear to give him an out? Yep you did. You even noticed the difference when he was getting it. He was absolutely truthful about it all and you weren’t. It doesn’t make him right but you aren’t blameless in this mess.

    I’d suggest therapy but you seem to want to be rid of him so congratulations! You got rid of him by him doing exactly what you told him to!

18. An agreement to open up the marriage would need to have serious discussions. What are the ground rules? And one would assume you are allowed to have sex with someone else as well.

    This is not what happened. From what you write, you are divorcing him?

19. Technically, he had the go ahead. Calling a bluff means being willing to live with the consequences of the bet—and you lost. If you want to stay in the marriage, you could try opening up intentionally—but if not, it’s okay to leave. You’re incompatible and it doesn’t have to be more or less than that.

20. This one is tough for me.

    Men don’t understand the extent of women’s needs and women don’t understand the extent of men’s.

21. I don’t think women understand the level to which sex is the basis of most relationships for men.

    If you take out sex most men would leave.

22. Sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you and your husband weren’t sexually compatible. For many people, sex is an important part of life, and going without it for a year in a marriage doesn’t make sense unless you’re asexual. If that’s the case, being upfront about how often you’re interested in sex would have been important, since it seems like not very often. Your husband should have communicated his needs differently, but based on your post, it doesn’t sound like you would have been very understanding. In the end, it seems there wasn’t enough in the relationship that he found valuable to continue being monogamous.

23. Sounds like you FAFO. Both of are probably real joys to deal with

24. If my wife had told me to get it somewhere else,I would not do it. I don’t think that I should be giving anyone else , seeing that my wife cheated on me for the last 5 years of our marriage,and I didn’t say she could go out and cheat. It was not because of sex, because I always wanted to have sex with my wife everyday if possible. I don’t know what I am trying to say other than the fact that you told him to go outside of the marriage to get what he wants,you should have never told him that and now he thinks that he has a free pass

25. The way he needs to earn intimacy with you is a one-way ticket to cheating/divorce. I’m not defending cheating, but you obviously wanted absolutely nothing to do with him sexually that he was even saying he would land up cheating on you (which were temptations he was clearly struggling with) and you still threw it back with ‘go do it then’ because you are fed up… you are not exactly wife of the year.

26. My heart hurts reading this and all the comments. There is so much pain and toxicity in this post.

    SEX is a part of a committed relationship. It’s normal and healthy. But said relationship needs to be healthy.

    Somewhere along the lines, you both lost sight that you love each other. Resentment built up … toxic thoughts like “if he loved me, he would know I want …..” or “if she loved me, she would want to have sex with me, ” but you both love each other. And men and women feel and see love differently.

    OP, please look into the 4 horseman of marriage. I’m not saying you should try to save your marriage, but just maybe to gain some perspective. Possibly read into the dead bed room, so how much pain the other party might be feeling. There are two sides to every story, and somewhere in the middle is reality.

    Yes, your husband did cheat. No, he does not deserve a second chance no one does. That choice is yours and yours alone. You have a long road of healing ahead of with either choice. Please take control of your healing and make sure you take care of yourself and any kiddos you may have.

27. Sounds like you dragged im into a dead bedroom for whatever reason, chose to withhold communication and used sex as a bargaining chip. Dismissed him and told him to seek it elsewhere. Then got all surprised pikachu face when he did.

    You FOFO. He was in the wrong for having tantrums and threatening to cheat if you continued to give him the cold shoulder. However you created this issue because you didn’t communicate, didnt approach the problem in a supportive manner. You made him an adversary instead of an ally and now you face the consequences.

    In your next relationship, hopefully you learn these lessons and not repeat those mistakes.